Crush

Back home

After four days in France, a few arguments with Gen, a win against Italy and one more unnecessary and stupid hookup with Beck my time in France is over. Finally. I was waiting for this day. Now I can finally go back home to Leah. I missed her again. I don't know why I slept with Beck again. I keep doing it and normally it was always fine but now I feel like I regret it straight after. Actually I regret it while doing it. I feel bad for lying to Leah about it. I think this isn't how I should treat a friend. I should tell her about this but it just feels wrong. Like she isn't the person I should tell this to.

I flew back to London and arrive there in the early afternoon. I'm sure Leah is already home. I hope she is home. I want to see her so bad. We called every evening and I want to thank her for that. These calls were the only thing that got me through this. I always had something to look forward to. Even now I look forward to seeing her.

I come home and see Leah's shoes already by the door which means she is here. I put my bag down and take off my shoes and jacket. Then I go inside and look for Leah. She just comes from the kitchen.

"Hi." She says as she sees me. I don't answer her. I just step up to her and hug her without a word. I never hug people but Leah deserves this hug. She did a lot for me the past days. She seems surprised but hugs me back. As my arms are around her neck, I can smell her scent. She smells amazing as always.

"Thank you for always calling me." I say. I slowly let go even tho I don't want to but this hug has already been too long.

"No problem. I liked our calls and I know how much they helped you." She says. She just gets me. It feels good to have someone who gets me. I give her a smile again. In this moment I think about telling her that I missed her. I don't do it. I can't say it. I don't miss people. I don't need people. I try to convince myself of that.

We settle in again and I sit on the couch. I open Instagram just to see so many of my teammates posting photos from international break. They are all happy. Happy without me. I'm never in these pictures. I also don't really post much myself. The official team's instagram account posts pictures tho. I see their post about this camp and scroll through the pictures. There are a few with me in it. I look horrible. Why am I looking like this? Is this what I look like? Why is my hair that messy and my face looks like I'm sick. My eyes look tired and I look bored. If this is what I look like, no wonder no one likes me. I don't want to be seen like that. I hate the way I look there.

"Oh god." I sigh. In this moment Leah comes into the room. I think she saw my reaction.

"What's going on?" She asks. At least she can tell me if that is really what I look like.

"I just saw pictures from me in camp."

"So?" She comes and sits next to me.

"Look at this. I look horrible. Is this what I look like?" I show her the pictures. She looks at them and then at me with a confused face.

"What is the problem? That's what you look like." She says. So I look horrible. She said it.

"I look so ugly in these pictures. Look at my hair and my face. I hate the way I look." I say. I always thought that at least my look would be something good about me but apparently not even that is in my favour anymore. Leah still seems very irritated. What is her problem?

"You don't look ugly."

"Yes, I do. People in the comments also said it." I look down. I know that a lot of the french fans don't like me. Just like everyone else.

"It doesn't matter what they say. They are wrong. There is nothing ugly about you. Your hair is perfect, your body is perfect, your face is perfect. Everything of you is perfect. You are beautiful. I don't think I ever saw someone so beautiful. You shouldn't let them talk that down. Nothing could make you look ugly. You're perfect." Leah says with so much confidence that it almost blows me away. I just look at her. She said that like it came straight from her heart.