When asked, "What is your why? Why are you going to SNHU?" I begin to search for who or what motivates me to pursue my major, why SNHU, and what it all means for my future. It's a loaded question, but I find the answer is simple. I do it because of my past, my present, and my future. I do it for the kid and teen I was, for myself now, and for the person I will become.
I've always been interested in what's inside of my head rather than what is outside of it. I can remember myself as a child, always on the playground by myself simply because I was uninterested in my peers. My rich inner world was far more entertaining. I would write songs of my own tune, or sing ones that I heard on the radio. I would write poetry that had to rhyme, and read books that had to have pictures. I would collect bugs and rocks, and tear up grass like weeds, swinging like I thought I could fly away if I went high enough. I do it for him because he was creative, kind, and brave. I am still these things, but I am no longer in the exact same situation he was in.
As a teen, I was not without troubles, but due to seeing a pattern in my circumstances, I was able to make a home without a roof. This home with no belongings was not impoverished, rather, it protected me from the rain. I found a home in my mind, in my friends, and in my foster siblings and the staff who took care of us each day and night at the shelter. I found safety in emotionally healthy relationships and interactions for the first time in my life.
When I was 16, I got my hair cut at a salon. Before it had been long, brown curls down my back, and after, it was maybe a few inches on top, and faded on the sides and back. My first haircut that short, and I remember being so excited to see myself for the first time in the mirror. I hadn't fully accepted it then, but soon I would know there was no turning back. After I returned home to my guardians, they told me to get out, that they were leaving my things outside, and to not come back. That day I realized that I must be brave, and in the words of my friend, "[It wasn't] too late." I was from then on free to present more masculinely. Boxers and joggers, striped shirts and short hair. I was not the girl I had been trying to be for my whole life up until that point.
I was brave because I faced homelessness, addiction, transphobia, and homophobia. That is all obvious, but I was even more brave for reaching out for help. I called a friend who picked me up and let me stay with them for a few weeks. Afterwards, I called an old therapist who took me to the shelter. My first night there I can remember staying up late in thought, scared and overjoyed at once to have found a place where the adults are kind and I was with kids like me.
I do it for my present self. Since turning 18, I've been diagnosed with complex PTSD, bipolar disorder, and ADHD. My mind is beginning to heal as I take care of my mental health. Doing this helps me take better care of my physical health. When I'm medicated and in therapy, I sleep and eat better without having to try as hard to keep up with it.
I now live with my boyfriend of nearly 2 years, who is the most supportive person in my life I have ever met. He is kind, dependable, and knows when to give me grace. I also made it into a college where I can work from home and focus on both my mental health and my personal life.
I have enjoyed SNHU from the beginning because they have treated me with kindness and respect, from the admissions office, to the advising office, financial aid office, tutoring center, and career center. I can call or text the advising office during the day, night, and weekends. My advisor, Ms. X, periodically calls to check up on me. She encourages me when I am doing well, and asks how she can support me when I am not. She and other advising staff have been with me every step of the way helping me succeed, and helping me change my major a few times. I am thankful to the tutoring center for being there 24/7 or on appointment, providing not only tutoring, but academic coaching as well. I am thankful as well to the career center for helping me figure out that I want to earn my associate's degree in accounting. I give special thanks to Ms. Y for listening to my questions about what degree I should choose, and how choosing something I am passionate about is not an option that I have to immediately decline. In that conversation, I began to feel that I could do something I love without having to be afraid that I won't succeed in it.
When you begin to have your basic needs met, you are able to focus on healing and taking care of yourself. After you take the steps to grow, it feels like the rest falls into place.
I do it for the person I will become. I see every version of myself in him, though wearing a body different from my current form. He will blossom even more than I can imagine now. I see my boyfriend becoming my husband. I see my firstborn in my arms. I see a life I made intentionally. Not in spite of my past, but because of it. A life without disregard for the importance of this moment.
After hearing about my story, you may wonder how I chose accounting. To be transparent, I originally began wanting to be a therapist, but because of the challenges of my mental illnesses and neurodivergence, I decided to go with a pathway that allowed me to do something repetitive and simple, something where I could work at a desk, something I could eventually do from home. I enjoy crunching numbers even though I'm not good at math. Accounting also provides job security, something I value highly after my unstable past, which all made it seem like a perfect fit.
Accounting is a marketable skill I want to earn in order to start working as soon as possible as an entry level bookkeeper so I can save up to get my bachelor's degree in psychology. Conversely, if I find accounting is right for me, I may pursue my Certified Public Accountant certification. My dream is to become a published author, which I plan to work towards after I obtain my bachelor's degree. My dream job would be to either work at home as an accountant, to be a librarian, or to be a telehealth therapist. I find meaning in helping people, whether that be by working for a nonprofit as a bookkeeper or clerk, helping spread knowledge and the freedom that comes with it to my community, or by helping people in a more direct sense by guiding them on how to take care of their mental health. I feel I have so much potential for growth and self discovery, I know no matter what I do, I will be content as long as I have my boyfriend, my friends, and my community.
I think I'm figuring out my why every day, in my passions, in my education, and in my chosen family. My past, present, and future are my main reasons for who I am, for why I am. From the kid who read the dictionary for fun, to the teen in mismatched converse hiding behind a dumpster, to myself now, thriving and growing more than ever before. To the person I see with the tortoiseshell glasses and yellow knit sweater who runs the local bookstore. He is old, but not worn. He is the parent and husband I dream of being.
To those who can relate to my story, I hope this serves as a reminder that things can get better. I used to believe I wasn't meant to live for a long time, but I find that there is a newfound hope in me, a joy in living that feels so unlike my old self, sometimes I question whether or not it is me.
In writing this, I realize there is a whole world out there of possibilities. In every interaction, in every moment of compassion, in every choice I have yet to make. There is so much love in this home I have made in my mind and in the people who love me. This home without a roof.
