The Winner

Recovery

It's well after two in the morning. 

I lay here awake. Two full Ativan pills in with no relief. The prescription is starting to lose its effect now.  I don't know my options if this doesn't work for me.

I'm  overly anxious and overthinking my decision to come back to L.A. I don't know what's in store for me or  where to start.

I toss and turn and finally give in, getting dressed and heading to the lobby.

"I knew you wouldn't last long up there."

James flashes a smile while swiveling his chair. This all seems surreal to me that I'm even here.

I say nothing and sit in my designated chair next to him, like I  never left. Like I never traveled across the country.

"What's going on in the little head of yours?" He asks.

"I think I have more of a problem than I thought." I feel my anxious heart beating faster. I fidget with the rings on my fingers like always. On the plane, I told myself I'm going to be honest with both Nate and James.  No more lies.  I obviously have a benzodiazepine addiction, and  I've built up a tolerance to the Ativan.

"I've taken so many pills for so long that they aren't working anymore." I can't make eye contact while I admit this. I look away, embarrassed at my addiction to fricken panic attacks meds, of all things.

He doesn't judge me. James nods sympathetically and puts a hand on my knee.

"We're gonna get you through this, ok?"

I nod, but he can tell I'm skeptical.

"I'm just so tired. I'm so fricken tired."

"I know, babe. But you gotta stop taking that shit. You're too dependent, and now look, the pills aren't doing what they used to. How many refills do you have left?"

"That's just it. I have no more refills, and I'm getting low. I'm scared of what's gonna happen. I've been taking them for a while. More and more every day to get through." I'm brutally honest.

"I know, sweetie. You're gonna have to go through some sort of detox."

"It scares the shit out of me." I admit, feeling the heat rise to my tired face.

"It's not gonna be fun. But you won't be alone." He nods, trying to comfort me.

"I just need sleep." I lean over and cross my arms on the table next to the computer and rest my head on my arms. James rubs my back in a soothing manner.

"Why don't you close your eyes while you're down here with me? Maybe you'll get a little rest? I'll wake you up if someone comes." He continues to rub my back.

"Mmmm, maybe." I stare ahead, grateful for his touch. No one has ever soothed me to sleep before.  Especially behind the Marriott lobby counter. My eyes finally get so heavy that I can't keep them open, and I give in to sleep.

*****
What feels like minutes were actually hours. I hear James's voice but don't want to open my eyes.

"Hey, sleeping beauty. C'mon. Let's get you up to your room."

"Mmmm. No. I'm too tired." I whine and don't lift my head. "One more minute."

"No, really, Julia. The morning shift lady just pulled in. You can't be behind the front desk. C'mon, babe. We gotta go." He pulls me up and grabs his coat and phone. I finally decide to cooperate and lift my head.

"Walk to the elevator. I'll be there right after I clock out." James walks me away from behind the front desk, just in time. The doors open, and the morning receptionist comes in.