The Winner

Who's Afraid Of Little Old Me

"JAMES!!" I cry out but it's too late. The mistake has been made. 

"James please, wait!"

Both  Paul and Jonah swivel their heads to see what the commotion is all about.

James says nothing. He hits the button and the elevator opens right away. He turns around.

"It's fine, Julia. I get it." He shakes his head at me while the elevator doors close. Seeing the disappointment in his eyes was unbearable.

And that's when I lost it.

"FUCK!!" I pick up a vase on the small table in the hall and throw it at the elevator doors. It falls and shatters all over the hallway. Colorful shards of the beautiful, most likely expensive, mosaic looking vase now scattered on the floor.

"Julia!" I hear someone call out but I'm too busy to respond, in a fit of rage. Tears streaming down my cheeks at the awful mistake I just made. Without thinking further, I take the round table the vase was on, lift it, and throw that at the elevator door as well. It doesn't break like I need it to, so I kick it hard instead while screaming.

"Hey!" Jonah runs over in a panic. "Stop!"

Paul is now standing as well, unsure whether he should step in or let the nurse take care of the situation.

I look up at the nurse, full of rage and pain, now breathing hard from lifting the heavy table while I cry.

"Don't come near me." I warn while clenching my jaw tight. The voice that came out of my mouth didn't even sound like mine. It was low and harsh and that of a crazy person, exactly what I am.

I push Jonah aside and storm across the main living area into the guest bathroom, throwing my hands out to purposely knock over and break the end table lamp as I go. Paul rushes to me now after seeing my destructive ways but I get to the bathroom before he can catch up. I slam and lock the door, breathing heavy like an animal practically foaming at the mouth.

I frantically pace the bathroom. I continue back and forth, shaking my already shaky hands, totally distraught. 

What the hell did I just do? I sob hysterically while pacing the luxury guest bathroom and swipe my whole arm across the counter. The fancy black matching ceramic soap and lotion dispensers and expensive red vase crash and shatter into pieces on the floor. I just walk right over them to continue my stride.

"Julia! Open the door!! Julia, NOW!!" Jonah demands and bangs hard but I pay no attention and have no plans on unlocking the bathroom door for him.

Instead, I pace and let my emotions take over all my actions.

I fucking messed everything up again.

 I can't believe I hurt James. He's had enough hurt in his life. There's no way to fix this. God, what the hell did I do?!

I stop and hold on to the counter and look at myself in the mirror. Look at me. Look at this mess. I keep fucking up every good thing that comes my way. I just hurt my best friend. The person I love. Who loves me. What a fucking disaster I am. What a fucking disaster! I repeat it in my head over and over again. The words consume me. It's all I can hear. What a fucking disaster I am.

I scream at my reflection and clench my fists, throwing my arms up over my head with all the force I have in me and smashing my arms and fists into the mirror, making it crack into a million pieces right where my reflection is. The pain is excruciating, just the way I need it to be. 

I drop down to my knees hard on the glass and sob uncontrollably. The sharp shards I kneel on are painfully tearing up my skin. My white jeans start bleeding red. I'm shaking and crying and screaming like the fucking psycho I am.