meraki

tragedy

If I was a kid, I wouldn't have realised yet
That me and her, we're so different
Can't even say what I feel it'd kill me to
Can't ever get through to you

If I was a kid, I would eat whatever she gave me
Now I've got to change all those habits
And she gets angry at me
When the effects of what I learnt as a child
Start to show,
And my change is going too slow

If I was a kid, I'd never worry about my body
And eating too much would be fine
But now I'm old and grown I'm too big
To be able to run and hide
From my own insecurities and secrets
When exactly did I learn to lie
My way through life?

If a was a kid, I would tell her everything,
But now she knows nothing about me
I'm a shell of her child, all hugs and smiles,
But ask her what my fears and dreams are
She wouldn't know,
Time moves so slow

And I know
God is testing me,
To see if I go back to Him,
But I never go.
And I wonder when exactly
Did my life start to move so slow,
The things I want to do,
The things I need to do,
They sit gathering dust in my head,
Rotten-minded I can't get out of bed

And then, I realise something terrible,
I'm not me anymore, I've lost her
And the thought is heavy, it weighs me down,
I'm not me anymore, where do I go now?

When you leave your confidence to crumble,
Your dreams to die,
Your relationships to wither
Your faith to wave goodbye,
And you have nothing left,
What do you do except fossilise in your room
Becoming an artefact of the past?

The future's ghosts loom
Above my head,
Haunting what hasn't happened yet,
But with no hand to hold
I let the ghosts
Feel at home
In me and my everlasting sadness
That never goes away,
Reminding me everyday
That this wild goose chase,
This pursuit for happiness and meaning
Will end in nothing but a quiet death screaming
Curses no-one will hear or care about,
Except God, disappointed you killed what could've been,
In dreams, in holograms you swear you saw,
In illusions, in prayers, in books and more,
He believed in you all the time, with every step back,
He believed you'd return, head in your hands,
Crying it all out, in the one comfort that's guaranteed,
But you're the one who never believed.
"Destined to die a lonely death", you'd think,
But nothing was destined until you accepted that you'd sink
To the bottom of your despair,
And that He would leave you there
And that no one would save you,
And you looked in all the wrong places in your pursuit,
And wondered why you still felt the same.
And God stayed the whole time, waiting for you.
But you never came.