StarChaser// Jegulus||✔️

Regulus

TW: Depictions of death/murder, depictions of war, strong/detailed depictions of grief
It's common sense to know that everyone suffers loss in war.
Some suffer more than others.
Some don't really suffer loss at all, but grieve for others on behalf of others.
Those are the lucky ones in war.
It's common sense to know that everyone suffers loss in war.
Except, you never think it's going to be you.
It's common sense to know that everyone suffers loss in war.
Except, it's not, because if it's common sense to know that, then surely you would expect it to happen. You would prepare yourself for what is surely the inevitable.
It is common sense to know that there is immense loss in war.
The real kicker is that you assume it'll never happen to you.
Until it does.
It happens in slow motion
Barty sends a killing curse at Dirk Perryman and we all think Emmeline Vance will get her revenge on Barty.
Oh how wrong we were.
One minute Evan is right next to me, his breath hitching in his throat as he watches his boyfriend put himself in active danger, and the next his lifeless body falls to the ground like a sack of potatoes.
My whole world stops and I stare down at one of my best friends.
Dead.
He's dead.
Evan is dead.
He wasn't a minute ago. He is now.
Everything seems to move so slowly, it all seems so distant.
I hear Barty scream, his guttural cry of grief but it's dull as it rings through my ears because my brain is too occupied trying to make sense of the fact that Evan is dead to be able to register anything else.
Evan is dead.
It happened in slow motion.
Evan is dead.
He wasn't before. He was alive yesterday. He was alive five minutes ago. Now his body lays at my feet and I'm stood next to him waiting for him to wake up.
He won't.
His eyes remain closed and his lips slightly parted.
He looks like he's sleeping,
He's not, he won't wake up.
There's a pain that builds in my chest. The pain of grief, of sorrow, of loss. The pain of losing your best friend.
Barty has gone on a rampage,  a killing spree, he's on the verge of watching the world burn, I should stop him, but I can't move, I can't leave Evan, not here, not like this.
Evan needs me here.
Evan isn't going to wake up.
A sob escapes me that makes my chest heave because the full force of the loss has hit me like a ten ton truck.
Evan isn't coming back with us, Evan will never eat in the Great Hall with us again, will never make jokes in transfiguration again, will never stay up late to talk with me again. Evan isn't here anymore and I can't handle that.
He's gone and I can't accept it which is silly because I'm looking at the body of my best friend and I'm hoping, willing, needing, begging for me to have seen things wrong. I'm hoping, praying, begging that the curse will wear off and he'll wake up any minute now.
Of course, he doesn't wake up.
So I'm stood here staring at my best friends body, knowing I should do something about Barty, but being completely unable to move.
It's not until the Order retreats that I finally stop looking at Evan and I look up to see Barty beating someone who is well and truly dead.
I walk over to Barty who is crying and shouting senseless words as he throws punch after punch, his knuckles bloodied and bruised.
He's a mess.
"Barty" I say tentatively.
Barty stops and lets the dead body he was abusing fall to the floor as he looks at me with his tear stained, bloody face "He's dead, Reg" Barty croaks
"I know. I'm so sorry" I reply
"I love him" Barty says defeatedly
"I know" I reply softly "Let's go back to Hogwarts and get you cleaned up" I add
"Evan" Barty says
"We'll bring his body back, we won't leave him here, we can't leave him here"
Barty nods and slowly walks with me back over to Evan's body.
He whimpers and shakes slightly as he looks down at Evan.
He kneels down and brushes the hair out of Evan's face, placing a kiss on his forehead and cradling his cheek.
"I'll make them pay, baby, I promise you, I won't stop until I've set the world on fire. Anything for you. I'll give you everything and more, I'll never forget you, I'll never let anyone forget you. I love you, baby. Come back to me, please, I'm not done loving you, I've barely had time to love you, please come back, it's not your time" Barty pleads desperately
"Barty" I warn
"No, he has to come back, Reg, he has to. Please don't let him go, please, I need him. You don't understand, Reg, he's all I have. I need him. He can't go. I need him to live, I need him to be here" Barty interrupts
"Barty" I warn again
Barty tilts his head to the sky "take me instead, bring him back and take me, please, I'll do anything please" Barty begs, begging the universe to change things, to turn back time and change the word of the fates as he's sobbing over Evan's body.
"Barty, we need to go. We'll bring Evan back with us, we'll give him a proper memorial I promise. I know it's hard, but you're the only one of us who can apparate safely, so I need you to focus for a minute for me, can you do that?" I ask softly
Barty sniffs before he nods and grabs a hold of my arm whilst also holding on to Evan.
Barty isn't the only one here who can apparate, but he is the only one here alive between us that can safely apparate. Barty passed his apparition test last month, one month after Evan. Evan will never apparate again.
We disappear and end up on the outside of the Hogwarts grounds.
Barty carries Evan's body all the way up to the front doors, cradling him so gently, placing kisses to the side of his head, crying against him and muttering pleas under his breath for Evan to come back.
Of course, Evan won't come back.
Because Evan is dead.
I feel, numb. Empty, even. It's like part of me is missing.
Part of me is missing.
Evan is the first friend I ever made at Hogwarts.
He got sorted after me, came and sat right next to me, he said it was because I was quiet and looked as though I wasn't going to give him any hassle. He told me his name, asked me mine and declared us friends there and then, and we stayed friends, best. friends, all the way up until his last breath, and he will continue to be my best friend until my last breath. Just because someone's gone doesn't mean they stop being who they were to you when they were breathing. Evan will never not be my best friend.
My heart aches for Barty, and selfishly, I think of the fact that I also lost part of Barty today. I lost both my best friends in different ways, because Barty isn't Barty anymore.
The moment Barty watched Evan's body hit the floor is the moment Barty lost his sanity, and himself. Evan was and is the love of his life, he told me so and he meant it.
He wanted to marry Evan one day.
He wanted them to run away together after seventh year.
They can't do that now.
When we walk through the front doors Professor Dumbledore is waiting for us both
"Headmaster, please, you have to help, you have to bring him back, he's not- he can't be gone. I can't let him be gone, please do something" Barty begs the moment he lays eyes on Professor Dumbledore.
Dumbledore looks taken aback at this and simply stares at Barty for a moment.
"Why don't we go to the hospital wing, Mr Crouch. Mr Black, Mr Potter is looking for you in the Great Hall" Dumbledore replies softly.
"The hospital wing" Barty repeats quietly "yes, yes Madam Pomfrey can heal him, she can heal anyone" Barty continues as he walks with Dumbledore to the hospital wing.
I trudge over to the Great Hall, feeling so drained, so exhausted, so done with everything.
"Regulus" James says, crashing into me as he engulfs me in a hug. I don't have the energy to hug him back
"Evan died" I say, my voice cracking as I say it.
And then it all hits me at once. My face crumples and I bury my face into James' chest, sobbing so hard that my chest aches. I sob so hard I feel sick. I sob so hard that my body shakes with each sob.
I cry and cry and cry for the best friend I lost, for the part of Barty I lost, for the things Evan will never get to experience, for the things I will never get to do with Evan again, for the fact that I will never see Evan again, never hear his voice, never hear his laugh.
I miss him.
He's been dead thirty minutes and I miss him like he's been dead for thirty years.
An hour ago Evan was alive.
An hour ago Evan was talking.
An hour ago Evan thought he would come back to Hogwarts with Barty and I after the battle and sit at the Slytherin table with us as we have dinner.
An hour later and Evan is dead.
An hour later and Evan can't talk.
An hour later and we're back at Hogwarts in the Great Hall with no Evan, because Evan is dead.
I manage to slow my sobs and look up at James
"I soaked your shirt, I'm sorry" I say absent mindedly
"Hey, baby, it's okay, look, come with me we'll get you cleaned up and into bed, I can stay or go, whatever makes you feel better" James says softly, placing a kiss to my temple.
It almost makes me want to cry all over again, but right now I have no more tears left to give. I sniff and simply nod.
I hope Barty stays in the hospital wing for the night, he shouldn't be alone, he should be near Madam Pomfrey just in case.
My level of care for Barty right now would make Evan jealous. I wish Evan had the opportunity to be jealous. I remember the time that Evan was mad at me for about a week when I kissed Barty because he was jealous. At the time I found it mildly infuriating, later I found it funny, now my heart clenches at the memory, now I yearn for that back, because even though Evan barely spoke to me that week, at least he was alive.
He isn't anymore.
Everything James does for me is so distant, so muted, so dull, because my mind is so consumed by grief.
I barely register the fact that James runs the shower and coaxes me into it, I barely register James washing my body, I barely register James' hands in my hair as he lathers it with shampoo, I barely register James drying me off, I barely register James dressing me in my pyjamas, I barely register James laying me down in bed, and his voice is so quiet and distant when he does eventually speak to me.
"Do you want me to go?" Asks James, I shake my head.
"Stay, but can you also get Sirius?" I ask
James nods and kisses my head before leaving. He returns about twenty minutes later with Sirius who looks beyond worried.
"Evan died" I say sadly, a stray tear escaping my eye.
"I know. I'm so sorry, Reggie" Sirius replies softly.
He kneels down and runs his hands through my hair as I begin to cry again, and then he starts to sing.
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine"
I start to feel a warmth spread through my chest, knowing I'm safe here with Sirius as he continues to sing
"You make me happy, when skies are grey"
As he continues to brush through my hair with his fingers, I feel my eyelids growing heavy. Grief is so tiring. War is so tiring. I'm so tired
"Please don't leave me, my only sunshine"
The world begins to blur as my eyelids lower and I drift off to sleep
"Please don't take my sunshine away"
Sirius continues to sing, but I can no longer hear the melody as I drift off into a heavy sleep that I have no doubt will contain dreams and memories of Evan.

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Hello there my lovelies!

This was supposed to be published yesterday but I got called into work, so instead of writing fanfiction I was forced to cosplay as a working gal.
Anyway, this chapter was HEAVY especially on the grief. I don't pretend to know what it's like to watch someone die in front of my eyes, but I couldn't have that happen and make out like Reggie and Barty were unaffected because of course they were, that was extremely traumatic for them, especially Barty who's struggling with his Mum being ill and he doesn't get on with his Dad, Evan was the only person he really had, he had Reggie obviously, but Evan was his person, the only thing that mattered most to him in the world so he was absolutely broken by that. Also Regulus remembering the day he and Evan met is such a sweet memory for him to recall at a time like this. He's not doing too hot right now tbh (I know I wrote it, I'm not happy with myself either tbh). This fic will become more heavy as we reach the end, because we are, in fact, reaching the end, so just prepare yourselves for that, but yeah I had to have a chapter basically dedicated to Regulus' experience of grief before I could move on in the fic, and also I needed to do Evan justice, I couldn't just move past his death casually that wouldn't have been kind.
Anyway, I'll stop yapping now, I hope you enjoyed this one! I'll catch you in the next one! Until then, have a great day my loves!

Stay wonderful!

All my everlasting love,
Blue<3