dear alex

the epiphany

Over the mid semester break, I took the time to think things over: how I could plaster my friend group together, how I could go to class and not feel sad, how I could accept what happened. I bargained with the universe that if I could be on good terms with everyone, I'd be good enough.

I'd be loved.
I'd be safe.
I'd be happy.

Instead, daily routines turned into chores. I'm pushed away by the people I love. The feeling of loneliness swells over me to a point that I can't tell if it's suffocating me from the outside or growing from the inside.

Eventually, I've come to realise how draining it was for me to try and fix this mess. My friends had cut each other off and moved on with their lives. But they left me to stay neutral. It made me confused, and I fell into another depressive spiral. I cried for uncountable weeks and I became wary of who I was.

I was nice with everyone, of course. But there was a weird sensation in me which caused me to be careful, cautious and attentive. I was scared that I would create another misunderstanding which would worsen my condition. Soon, I couldn't recognise myself. And I guess my classmates had noticed it too when they started asking me if I was okay, why I wasn't as open as I used to be and why my eyes were red and swollen every morning.

Alex had deactivated his bookstagram randomly one day. He stopped his library streak and just disappeared from thin air. I had written him a short note on how I wish things are going well for him in the anonymous confession group. Man, how was I going to see him now?

___________________________________

Alex,

I recently had an epiphany on how my friends have been mistreating me. They've left me to fend for myself and clean up the mess they've made - a mess that had nothing to do with me until they decided to speculate my involvement, which wasn't even true to begin with. I'm genuinely hurt and maybe a bit angry but that's okay. I'm a fool for them so I'll be the better person and not cut them off, the way they left me: clueless, hopeless, stuck. I feel like I've been through the five stages of grief while mourning this unfixable friendship. I don't feel like my old self. It's like I've built a wall around me, scared that if I say or do the wrong thing, another petty misunderstanding would erupt. Don't get me wrong, I love them but it doesn't change the fact that they've ruined me. I'll keep my boundaries with everyone and keep to myself more. I may not be the same person I used to be but I hope I will grow into a better, healthier one.

Life must be rough for you too, huh? Did you read my confession in our university's anonymous confession group? I hope it reached you. The day you deactivated your bookstagram, I prayed to Allah to at least let me see you the next morning if you are the one for me. And I did see you. You walked behind me to class again. Did you notice me this time? I hope you did. I hope you are at ease, wherever you are and may good things come your way.

Signed.