dear alex

the hypothetical

If Hayden did not ask us out for dinner, I probably wouldn't have eaten that night.

I was lying flat and dead across my bed after returning from a half day field trip for a course I was taking. I've already went the week before but upon my class representative's request for a media edit and heavy convincing, I ended up going. I hadn't bought dinner and was bed rotting for 5 hours when he texted me and some of our friends to have dinner nearby our campus.

We were probably the loudest group at the outdoor foodcourt. We talked and laughed and screamed about our friends, our friend's friend, our friend's brother's dog's mother and our respective love life.

Well, at least theirs.

It felt like everybody's falling in love and I was falling behind. They had progress, stories and spice. And then there was me! It's not like they didn't know I had an undeniably huge crush on Alex. They knew I was single. They knew I was waiting on someone. And yet, the conversations made me think of him and all our potential "What Ifs."

I started doubting if my feelings for him were valid or just delusions. I mean, I've always been self aware that most of my feelings for him were rooted in the idea of him, not the reality of him. I wasn't sure if I should keep clinging onto this thin string of hope and risk hurting myself in the process.

___________________________________

Alex,

Truth? I have no reason to write to you tonight. I just felt like it and beyond all doubts and certainty, I'm afraid. You're joining ISCAR, right? Would it bother you if I went to watch? I mean, I have other friends who are also in Track and Field but I can't think of them right now. It's only you I think about. As embarrassing as it is to admit, I think about you far more often than I should. It's humiliating and pathetic or me.

I've been playing out a lot of hypotheticals in my head. I've been daydreaming a life of "What Ifs" should I just tell you how I feel. But how would you react? Or worse, how would I react if you said no? It's scary to me because in all honesty, I don't expect you to like me. That is what would make most sense. But what if, just what if, I could be someone you like? What if, just what if, you could fall in love with me too? Would you be willing to try? I kinda think I am. The possibility of you is far better than the reality of someone else.

Fight or flight tells me to stop trying but I doubt my heart is ready to let these hypotheticals go just yet.

Signed.