believe

19. fear

"Bec, the doctor said they're fine. Please stop worrying about them." I said, rubbing her back as she cried on the bed. "I'm scared, Chloe. I'm terrified of losing them."

I hugged her and smiled softly. "I know. I get it, you already went through it once." I kissed her forehead gently. "But I promise you, it won't happen again." I muttered. Beca smiled sadly and looked up at me. "I wish I could think that."

She continued sobbing, this time into my shoulder with her arms around my chest.

"Babe, it's okay. You'll be okay, the twins will be okay, and everything will be okay in the end. Just relax and try to think about the best things in life and how happy you'll be when you get to meet them." I said. She nodded slowly. "Okay."

Beca stood up and walked around the room. "Do you wanna take Charlie for a walk or something? It might help to clear your mind."

She shook her head. "No. I don't know what I wanna do, Chloe."

"We can watch a movie?"

"You know I don't like movies. I only watch them because you like them."

"Why don't we watch a musical then?"

"You only ever watch The Last Five Years and Hairspray."

"Erm..we can do some baking?"

"Chloe. Let's be honest here."

"You're right. There's literally nothing you like doing."

"Well..there is one thing."

"We aren't having sex."

"No! I wasn't gonna say that."

"Really?"

"Really, I was gonna suggest cuddling because I like being close to you and you're a really clingy person."

"Oh, okay! Come on then." I smiled. I moved back and leaned against the headboard while Beca shuffled back and inbetween my legs. She lay back ontop of me and got comfy before I wrapped my arms around her.

A couple minutes passed and Beca went quiet. I looked down and she was peacefully sleeping. I smiled to myself before shutting my eyes and going to sleep.

------

I woke up, screaming and shaking. Beca had already moved and was next to me, but she looked panicked. "Babe, are you alright?" She asked worriedly. I nodded and took a deep breath. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine."

"Did you have a nightmare?" She asked. I nodded and bit my lip. "Yeah. I'm fine though."

She raised her eyebrows like she didn't believe me. "Are you sure?" She said. I squeezed her hand gently and nodded. "Yes, honestly."

"Can you tell me what it was about?" Beca asked.

I slowly nodded. "Uhm..yeah. It was about that guy. I don't know his name or anything but he apparently knows my brother. But I was just reliving the party."

Beca kissed my cheek gently and took my hand. "You don't have to be scared of him anymore. Stacie got pictures of him. Good job he didn't have a car, or he'd be locked up by now."

"That won't stop me dreading him coming back. I never thought my life would come to this. I thought I'd be happily married to the man of my dreams when I was five. Now I'm stuck like this."

Beca raised her eyebrows again and folded her arms. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that I'm terrified of being assaulted again, I haven't had sex with you for months now because I can't take it again, and I've tried to end my life twice. I almost succeeded in those attempts too, and sometimes maybe I wish I had been successful."

Beca wiped her eyes angrily and looked away from me. "I'm glad you weren't successful because then we wouldn't be where we are. But from the way it sounds, you don't even wanna be with me."

"What?"

"You said you thought you'd be with the man of your dreams and now you're stuck like this. So you'd rather be straight?"

"No, obviously I'm happy with you! I'm even happier that I didn't suppress my feelings about being gay. I-"

"But it would be easier if I were a guy, right?"

"Beca! I'm perfectly fine with you being a girl. I like girls. It's just when you're five, you don't even think about dating the same sex."

"That still sounds like you wish I were a man."

"Beca. I love you for who you are and I wouldn't change anything about you for the world. You make my life better and make me want to kill myself less and less everyday. And without you I'd probably be like my parents, a stuck up bitch that can't accept people's differences. If I were straight, I'd be dead by now. Because no one else can make me feel better about myself like you can. So don't you dare think for a second that you're not perfect for me."

"But I'm not-"

"You're perfect to me. That's enough."