StarChaser// Jegulus||✔️

Regulus

TW: retelling of a death, mention of drowning, brief mention of vomit, depictions of smoking
I don't go to Gryffindor Tower like James says I can.
Because whilst I didn't want to join in The Order Meeting to begin with, I knew I needed to attend so that I had a chance to see Dumbledore and get a word with him while the information was all still fresh in my mind.
I need to tell him about what happened in that cave.
Instead, I go to Dumbledore.
"Sir, I need to talk to you" I say bluntly
"Now?" Asks Dumbledore
"Yes, it's important" I reply
"Very well" Dumbledore states indifferent, gesturing for me to follow him out of the Room of Requirement and we head to his office.
"Sit" He gestures to the chair opposite his desk, so I take a seat, placing my hands in my lap and staring at them, not wanting to look at Dumbledore right now.
"Arlo Reins is dead" I say
"I know" Dumbledore replies
"You do?" I ask
"Lord Voldemort sent me a note telling me to 'get better spies' I assume someone put the idea that Arlo was a spy for the Order in his head, and considering the lessons I have been providing you, I can only assume you were the one who gave him that idea" Dumbledore replies.
I clench my jaw "Yes, Arlo is dead because of me, it's my fault" I state coldly
"Not at all" Dumbledore rebuts, causing me to actually lift my head and look at him "Arlo is dead because Lord Voldemort killed him, and he would have killed you too if he also believed you to be a spy" Dumbledore continues
"Regardless, I have important information from that night, it may help your side of the war effort" I say, steering the conversation in a different direction
"Oh?"
"The Dark Lord took us to a cave in which he had installed protections, the first was a blood sacrifice, he cut Arlo's hand and when he waved it over the boulder, it moved to reveal the rest of the cave which had a small island surrounded by water. We got a boat over, the next protection was in the water though, in the water is inferi. Once we got to the island there was a pillar with silvery liquid in the top and a clam shell. I had to make Arlo drink the liquid and he started to shake and cry and shout out what I think was a very bad memory"
"The potion of despair" Dumbledore mutters quietly which makes me falter. Arlo was reliving his worst memories in his last moments. The thought sickens me. I swallow thickly and continue nonetheless.
"Yes, well, after Arlo had finished, the Dark Lord pulled out a Locket which he called a prototype and replaced the Locket with an identical one that he called the real one. Arlo then turned to throw up and that's when the inferi caught hold of him and began to drag him in, the Dark Lord held me in place and wouldn't let me save him. Arlo drowned."
Dumbledore processes this for a few moments "Do you have the prototype of the Locket?" Asks Dumbledore
"No, Sir, it was destroyed" I lie, deciding that the Locket is safer with me.
"Very well, and you have no idea what it's supposed to be?" Asks Dumbledore
"Not a clue, Sir" I reply
"Very well, is that all?" Asks Dumbledore
"Yes, Sir" I reply
"Right, thank you, Regulus" Dumbledore states, standing from his seat to lead me to the door. I nod my head and leave the office. I head down to the dungeons instead of Gryffindor Tower, deciding I should check on Barty.
Barty doesn't say much anymore, he doesn't do much anymore. He's a shell of who he used to be and it kills me to see him slowly deteriorate, being wholly consumed by the grief he suffers everyday.
When I get to our dorm room Barty is out of bed, sat on the windowsill, legs dangling outside, cigarette in hand.
I've smoked with Barty a few times, it's not something I crave often, but sometimes the inhale and exhale of smoke just helps ease my mind slightly.
"Hey, stranger" I say, sitting next to him, dangling my feet out of the window the same way as him.
"Want a smoke?" Asks Barty, offering me one. I take it from him
"Thanks" I reply, leaning into his hand as he lights it for me.
I take a soft but long inhale and the nicotine rush spreads through my veins, relaxing me in an instant.
"Arlo died" I say
"Evan died" Barty adds
"This fucking sucks" I say
"Mhm"
"You're out of bed"
"Needed a shower"
"You did stink"
"Don't lie, I'm always perfect"
There it is, a flicker of who he used to be, a ghost of a smile on his lips, but just as quickly as it came, it disappears and he's back to the shell he's become.
"I miss him" Barty sighs
"Me too, Bart" I reply
"I loved him"
"I know"
"Do you think he knew?"
"He one hundred percent knew, he was crazy about you, you know. I mean for fucks sake he'd go sour with me if I looked at you for longer than five seconds. You were the one for him"
Barty looks like he might cry, he takes another drag of his cigarette and turns to face me "you think so?" He asks
"I know so" I reply softly.
He reaches out and cups my face with his hand "Thank you" He whispers.
He leans in and he kisses me.
For a second, just a second I let him, but that's all I allow is a second before I pull away.
"Barty" I warn
"Please, you're all I have left of him" Barty begs
"I'm not him" I reply
"You're as good as, just, please, let me pretend for a while. Please" He begs.
He leans in again and kisses me, and I let him, I let him pretend I'm Evan. I do this for Evan.
And selfishly, I do this for me, because before James it was Barty.
When I was twelve I was in love with Barty and when I was thirteen Evan told me he fancied Barty, a few weeks later, Barty confessed to fancying Evan too.
Part of me died then.
But I found James, and life went on.
But right now, in this moment, I'm allowing my twelve year old self to finally kiss my crush.
It's awful.
It's beautiful.
I'm at war with myself.
I shouldn't be doing this, Evan would kill me if he knew.
But he won't know.
Evan is dead.
Evan is dead and Barty can't accept that so right now, Barty is kissing me, except he isn't, because in Barty's mind, he's trying so so hard to pretend I'm Evan, to pretend I'm someone I can never be.
He shifts closer "Barty, you're going to fall" I say inbetween kisses
"Then come to bed with me" Barty replies
"That's not what you want" I say quietly
"Please, I need to feel something to know I'm still human, to know I'm still alive so the grief can kill me all over again" Barty begs, his voice cracking as he says it.
"Okay, okay" I say softly, getting off the windowsill as he does.
He walks me over to his bed and kisses me as he lays me down. He kisses me so lovingly, so tentatively, as though I may slip away at any moment.
I wouldn't go anywhere, not when he needs me.
Because right now I remember why I fell in love with him all those years ago.
He's so handsome, from this close I can count his freckles, the ones he says he hates. From this close I can see how his hair curls at the end and touches his eyebrows. From this close I can see the ghost of his dimples that are so prominent when he smiles.
And as he kisses me I remember how loving how really is, how his cold demeanour is an act, how his humour is to hide his kindness.
Barty slides himself between my legs and kisses down my neck, he presses himself into me.
He lifts his head to stare into my eyes and his face crumbles as he begins to cry.
"Barty, you don't need to do this" I say softly, swiping his hair out of his face and caressing his face with the side of my hand.
"I can't do it, because he's not here" Barty cries
"I know, and I'm not him, no one could ever be him" I say softly
"I know. But do you know what the worst part is, Reg? I want to. I want to do this with you so badly, and I don't know whether it's because you were his best friend, whether you're just here, or whether I actually want to" Barty admits
"Maybe it's a bit of all three" I reply
"Fuck, isn't that awful?" Asks Barty
"Not at all. You're allowed to feel, to exist, to live, to want things. You don't have to die with him, he wouldn't have wanted that. He would have wanted you to carry on" I assure him, cupping his face in my hands because he's still between my legs, looming over me.
"I love you, Reg. Not in the way I loved him, I could never love anyone like that, never again, but I do love you, maybe part of me does love you romantically, maybe part of me always has, but I love you anyway"
I feel my heart shatter slightly, my heart breaks for him and his grief, my heart breaks for the broken man in front of me, my heart breaks for a life that could have been, my heart breaks with the knowledge that Barty loved me the way I loved him once.
"I love you too, Bart" I reply.
He dips his head and kisses me again, and I let him. As he kisses me I let a stray tear fall down my cheek that I know I can play off as one of his to show for how much my heart has broken these past few months.
I let him kiss me, I let him press himself into me. I want more from him, I want him to keep himself between my legs because for once I want to give myself what I wanted all those years ago. I want to experience it at least once.
I let him kiss down my neck and I let him take my clothes off, he lets me take off his too.
I pull him closer to me when he enters me and I keep him close as he thrusts in and out of me. He lets me dig my nails into his back as waves of pleasure crash over me.
I let myself feel euphoric in that moment, I let myself want it, I let myself enjoy it because what if I don't see the other side of this war? I don't want to die, but I certainly don't want to die with regrets. So I let myself have this, I let myself want this and I let myself enjoy it.
Barty allows himself to enjoy it too as his heavy breathing evolves into moans and he buries his head in the crook of my neck and places kisses all over me.
We both allow ourselves to experience what could have been.
Deep down I know I wanted this more than he ever did, and deep down I know he's wishing I was Evan instead of myself.
But I don't care right now.
Right now I let myself pretend that we both want this, and we want this with each other.
When we both finish, neither of us move, neither of us separate.
For the rest of the night, Barty and I stay in his bed, tangled up in one another as we both eventually drift off to sleep.

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Hello there my lovelies!!

Okay so first to get this out of the way before I get into the bulk of this chapter: no, Regulus does not trust Dumbledore which is why he didn't show him the Locket.
Now into the rest of it, idk how you'll feel about Regulus and Barty but I want you to know the whole thing was indeed consensual for both of them I would never ever write a non-consensual sexual scene because that is extremely triggering and most times unnecessary in fiction.
However, this is a way some people deal with grief. Barty has spent a lot of time to himself and has time to reflect on his unresolved feelings and he's acknowledging that he has had feelings for others as well as Evan, one of them being Regulus and he's now trying to navigate these feelings to see if he can move past Evan and love someone else or whether he just wants something casual, he's on a journey of self growth as well as a healing journey and he shouldn't be ashamed of his feelings, his desire or his actions.
Regulus also has unresolved feelings for Barty and he's allowing himself to experience something that could have been, maybe not in their universe, but maybe in another one. He's letting himself do what he wants to do and he's not holding himself back which is also growth for him and that is so important, especially since he's fully realising his mortality and the fact that no one is guaranteed survival in war.
Obviously it's heartbreaking that Regulus is aware that Barty would prefer him to be Evan, but this doesn't mean he's angry at Barty and it does not mean Barty didn't want to sleep with Regulus and vice versa it's just the truth, he's still grieving regardless of what's going on and he is only human so he's naturally going to think thoughts like that.
Anyway, this is probably one of my favourite chapters honestly I'm so proud of how it's written. Also in two days this baby will be one whole year old how crazy is that??? And we've come so far thank you all so much for your love and support I adore you all.
I'll stop yapping now, I hope you all enjoyed this one! I'll catch you in the next one! Until then, have a great day my loves!

All my everlasting love,
Blue<3