Eunoia 2 [{V.H}]

33

Kitty

I told myself that I'd be normal, fake it until I made it and that's what I'm gonna do.

I got up before Vinnie, who was out like a light, and took Finch out. I stood on the porch, letting the crisp air blow through my hair until he was ready to come inside.

It felt good to just take a moment to breathe and not think about anything, until I went back into the house and I had to look at the bullet hole in the kitchen ceiling.

But I pushed it aside and got to work. Dime sized Pancakes, bacon, tea, and eggs, then when I was done with that, I put together a pan of banana bread.

I wonder if the boys would like banana bread. When they get back I'll have to ask them. What am I thinking? Of course they'll like it. They'll eat anything I make them.

Alex will probably jump on the idea, same with Bryce and Kio.

Maybe I'll go into town today and pick up some banana so they're ready in time for them to be home. I should probably get the rest of the things for my family too. They'll be here in a short while.

I wonder what they're all doing right now.

I close my eyes for a moment, pushing those thought to the side and counting all my fingers and toes in whisper, trying to ground myself. When I open my eyes again, I let them wander around our front yard, taking in the view. The snow started to melt yesterday, and now it's all gone, only a few piles of snow on the ground. It's still chilly outside, and from what the radar said, the temperature will be in the 50s all week. But it feels better than the chill that came with the snow.

The wind blows, moving my hair into my face and near the cup of tea in my hands so I shuffle, readjusting myself when the front door gently opens. I look over my shoulder to Vinnie, as he leans against the open foot frame with his eyes scanning me quickly.

"Sorry," I sit up slightly, pulling my hand away from my cup to wrap the blanket around my shoulders a little tighter. "I didn't mean to scare you."

"It's okay, I just didn't know where you were." He explains, still eyeing me. "You okay?"

"Yea." I softly nod my head and give him a smile, "It's not as cold."

His lips turn up, his eyes finally leaving me to look around the yard. "Didn't like the snow huh?"

"I didn't say that." I look away from him to the yard again. Another breeze floats through the air, knocking some of the orange and red leaves off the trees, just for them to float to the ground. "I just didn't like how cold it was."

He chuckles at that, and I laugh softly too while I stand up. Vinnie holds the door open for me while I step inside, around our pets, and then he follows me to the kitchen once he's closed the door.

Once I've sat my things down, I gather up some plates and the two of us eat together in silence, sitting at the counter with Finch and Hera laying at our feet. The silence only breaks when he clears his throat.

I look up at him with a mouthful, my eyebrows raised and when he doesn't laugh at the face I'm making, I swallow quickly, my body straightening up.

He refuses to look at me, his fork in his hand playing with his food. "So Umm... you remember how I wanted to talk to you about something? I mentioned it last night."

I eye him carefully, and since he's not looking at me directly I respond, "Yes."

He licks his lips, and shrugs his shoulders, "The quack said I should talk to you about it... and there's no simple way to say it but I'm..."

When he goes quiet, I sit there for a moment before setting down my fork and turning my stool toward him. I very gently rest my hand on his arm and rub my fingers along his arm.

Vinnie closes his eyes and then nods his head, hyping himself up to telling me whatever is on his mind. "You know I'm... hyper right?"

I don't say anything at first, trying to decipher what he's getting at but he corrects himself.

"Sexual."

I blink, and finally speak what's on my mind. "What?"

Vinnie glances at me, with nothing other than fear in his eyes before he goes to shoot up out of his seat but I pull him back down.

"That's not what i meant honey, I'm just trying to understand-"

"No forget it." He shakes his head quickly, but i jump up and wrap my arms around him.

"Stop." I shush him, pulling his head to my chest, clutching him hard against me, "don't run from me, just talk to me."

He doesn't hold me back at first, but then he grabs my hips lightly to hold onto me. "I just... I feel gross." He admits, "I can't fucking get ahold of myself. I can't even touch you without wanting to take things too far. I know you're not ready, and I don't blame you Cherry. I really don't, I just want you to know that Im not avoiding you on purpose. I just can't control myself around you-" he cuts himself off suddenly, and his hands squeeze me, his head shaking against me. "Im working through it, I'm getting it together and I want you to know that okay? I just don't want you to feel obligated to do anything with me."

I know he has more to say, but he goes quiet, and I know that what he said was all over the place but I understand him, I really do. I know all of this is tearing him up inside.

I run my fingers through his hair and lean forward to kiss the top of his head. "I hear you. I'll try a little more too okay?"

He shakes his head Wildly, "That's not what I'm-"

I tug on his hair gently, shutting him up and I push him from me so I can see his face. His eyes are glassy and he won't look me in the eyes so I take his chin between my fingers and make him look at me.

"I love you." I whisper quietly, "and I know you're struggling with this all. We've got to cope better- together."

He presses his lips into a line, so I let go of his face to hug him.

After a while we go back to trying to eat, but it really doesn't feel right so we get up, clean up, and end up on the couch, watching tv for a while. We sit next to each other, our thighs touching but not much more until I lean my head on his shoulder.

My mind drifts away from the anime we're watching, and to ways that I could fix this. Any part of it. I don't want him to feel scared to approach me, I don't want him to feel like I'm judging him. So what can I do?

I think for a little moments longer before it comes to me and I turn my head to look at him. Vinnie tears his eyes from the screen and looks at me sideways so I sit up.

"I'm gonna go to the store."

He frowns at that, and sits up with me.

"By yourself?"

I'm stupid.

I very quickly tell him, "No, please I want you to come but I've got to pick up a few things."

He eyes me for a moment before slowly nodding, so we get up.

I know it's not a long term solution, but if it helps right now, hell I'll try it.