counting the stars and scars

~chapter 5~

*Vic's POV*
I walk into the empty house, admiring how quiet it is. This is the first time I've been completely alone since school started a week ago, and it's so nice. My parents are out on a "date" which means they won't be back until tomorrow afternoon, and Mike went to spend the night getting high with his friends Austin and Alan. I figure I could call Kellin over, but decide against it and walk up to my room and turn on my laptop. It doesn't take long and I decide to finally look at my Facebook. There are 17 new friend requests, 2 messages, and 36 notifications. I choose to look at the messages first, both from sweet little Kellin and the context makes me blush. Next are my friend requests. They are all from people I've met at the new school and I accept them all without a second thought. Finally, I check my notifications and stumble open one telling me that 6 different people have written on my wall. I check my wall, and displayed on it are the nightmares of my past. Fag. Slut. Man-whore. Bitch. Pussy. Homo. Worthless. Nothing. I should go kill myself. The world would be better without me. Almost immediately my eyes fill with tears and I start shaking. I can't even delete the posts I'm shaking so badly. The only thought running through my mind is what if Kellin sees? What if all the people I just added see this? Why is this happening? I cry loudly for the next half an hour, my sobs filling the empty house. God please take me away. All I want to do in this moment is crawl into a hole and die there. Then I remember, my little piece of metal bliss is still hidden in my bookcase.
I walk over and uncover the little pencil sharpener from its hiding place. It feels cold and hard and sharp on my fingertips and I smile. I've missed this. I've missed this so much. I sit down on my desk chair and hold my left arm out in front of me. My cuts have healed to scars from a week ago and I decide it's time to revise my beautiful artwork. One, two, three, four. God! I'm flying! The numbness washes over me and I feel nothing but ecstasy. Fuck yeah! Five, six seven, eight. Oh God, yes! Blood is beginning to slide a little down my arm but I couldn't care less. Right now I'm in a place so high I wouldn't care if a million more insults were thrown at me. Then I realize I haven't cut one cut for every insult. I bring the blade back up to my arm but my hands are shaking too much and I'm so numb right now that I feel I don't need to cut again.
After awhile, the pain starts to come back. Tears start flowing again. The numbness is gone, and I desperately want it back. Nine, ten. Fuck yeah, there it is! While I'm lost in my high I put the blood-stained razor back into concealment. I have no idea how much time passes before suddenly it's 4:30am, not 5pm. What the fuck? I look around for my phone and find it lying down lazily on the bed. I have 4 messages from Kellin, asking me to come over. I feel guilty that I just seemed to ignore them and get lost in self-inflicted bliss. I suddenly feel like crying, but just the thought of that fucking high calms me down. I reply to him that I'm sorry I ignored him, I just got busy. It isn't really that big of a lie- I was busy- but I regret it anyway. To me, relationships of any kind are sacred, and should be treated as such. That means complete honesty and respect. I just violated both those rules.
Fuck. I might need that high again soon.
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I enjoy writting this as I hope you enjoy reading it