counting the stars and scars

~chapter 13~

*Kellin's POV*

He stared at me with those icy eyes, the coldness that bites into your skin on a February morning. He could paralyze me with fear without even being close to me. He had that power, and now that he is here, I am not strong anymore. I am weak and I feel like a little kid, forever waiting for his mama to come save him. Not even God could help me now, and he knew it. He also knew I'd have to go with him, and that I didn't want to die.
"Excuse me, who are you?" Vic's mother was the first to speak. She smelled like perfume and warmth.
"I'm Kellin's father. He misunderstood that I told him he could come over, but I truly said next week". He didn't look away from me. He stared straight into my blurry eyes constantly, never looking away except for a moment when I thought I was safe.
"Vic said he has a concussion, and it really seems like it. Kellin should go to the hospital..." I fucking love Vic's mom. She's amazing.
"Oh, I can take him. I am his father". He said it in such a happy voice, so convincing... So very convincing...
She looked at Vic, whose eyes were big and full of fear, pleading, and tears. She said something in Spanish that started with an L and Vic collapsed into a sobbing mess of tears. I want to go comfort him but my legs won't move. Wait.... My legs won't move!
"My... My legs... Vic... I can't... Vic". And that's when I blacked out.

**Some Hours Later**
I wake up to the sound of beeping, so loud it hurts my pulsating head. I try to open my eyes but I can't, and all I see is darkness when I do. Am I blind?? No, I'm not blind. I can't be. Ok, here we go.
I force my eyes to open and the first thing I see is... Darkness?
I sit up, very slowly, and notice my desk, my posters, my little nightlight. No. I'm back at home. I can't be back home. I can't be. Surely. This is all just a dream. I close my eyes again and focus, trying to wake up for real. I feel like I've done it and open them again, seeing the same darkness and brightness emanating from my little light. No, no, no. I do it seven more times, eight, nine, ten. Each time is more hopeless, and the dreaded fact that I am home with my father and not with Vic or Vic's warm mother or the hospital with doctors that are paid to keep you alive. NO. I burst into painful, endless tears. Each sob hurts my head more and more until I can't keep going. I feel so weak. I can't be at home, God, why? Why? Why do you hate me so much? What did I do to deserve this? Please, please don't be true. I can't be home. I can't be home...
I cry and mumble to myself "I can't be home" for what seems like hours, until I finally pass out from exhaustion.

*Vic's POV*

"Vic..." I hear my name and look up from my breakdown, just in time to see Kellin's eyes roll back and close.
"Mom." She looks at him and her eyes get wider, knowing what has just happened. Kellin's dad knows too.
"Oh shit, no Kells! I'm taking him to the hospital right now." He rushes over and picks his son up, running towards the door.
"Should we come with you?" My mom is trying so hard right now... She knows but she can't do anything.
"No, you've done enough. It's fine. He should have his family taking care of him anyway. Now, bye, and thank you." He closed the door and that was it. I cry harder and it echoes through the whole house, alerting my dad and Mike to come into the living room.
"What the fuck happened?" Mike said, as soon as he came down from upstairs to see my mental stability splattered and broken on the floor. At this I just cry harder, now in shame and disgust of myself but still in fear and love for Kellin. Mom explains what happened, leaving out the part where I told her I loved Kellin. Not that Mike would mind it, but our relationship would totally change. But I can't think about that now. It'll make me cry even harder...
"What happened here?" My dad came in, right as Mom finished telling Mike the story.
"Mom, I can't hear it again... I'm going to my room." I stood up on shaky legs and ran past my brother to get upstairs, collapsing on the bed. There I let myself go completely, the reason, in hindsight, not clear. But at that moment I felt like my world was collapsing, as some people do when something bad happens. I cried and screamed and ask God why this was happening to such a special person.
After a couple of hours, I had no more tears left. I was just numb and hurting for my Kellin. I can help. An evil voice whispered into my ear, beckoning me to reach into my little backpack pouch and pull out my old friend called Blade. I comply, although knowing it's wrong, needing release is so imminent. I hold the cold piece of metal in my fingertips, softly tracing the outside of my wrist with the tip of it. It feels comforting, even nice to think of feeling the high that will follow this.
One for the family.
Two for the lover.
Three for the emotions.
Four for the brother.
Five for the years I've felt this way.
Six for doing this again.
Seven for good luck.
Eight for myself.
Nine for my selfishness.
Ten because I don't want to live anymore.
I finish and watch the blood pop up in little marbles, smiling in spite of the fact that I'm losing the battle.
.
I was v s as writing this...