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The Real Housewives of County Cavan (Ep. 1)

The Real Housewives of County Cavan: episode 1 / introduction

(((((((authors note!!!! i started watching the real housewives and i thought it would be a fun idea 2 do THIS!!!!!!!!!! ALSO THERE IS NO SPECIFIC GENDER 4 THE READER IN ANY OF THESE EXCEPT FOR JOSH'S BECAUSE JOSH IS SUCH A MANLY HETERO)))))))

****EVAN****

You: I'm (((your name))) I'm originally from (((some shithole town))) but I moved 2 Cavan becuz of its luxurious working class lifestyle. i luv looking down on everybody from the balcony of my 6 story house from the big ass hill me n my hubby Evan live on lol. I met him wen i was 22 and we r very happy 2tgether. *sips some cheap ass wine out of a plastic Target wine glass*

*cameras go to Evan* "i wish i was dead" he says while smiling

You: he was a full-time drummer but now he is only part-time drummer n part-time dad lol. becuz now we have a family and 3 kids that ruined our lives. their names are Fuckhead, Moon Unit, and Wilko Johnson the second. Fuckhead is the oldest, she's sixteen years old. Moon Unit is a ten year old girl and Wilko Johnson is three.

*cameras go to Fuckhead* "My dad named me and my mom says that it's Gaelic for "Gift from God" :)"

Fuckhead: 2day i am getting my first car. If I don't get a Bugatti i will literally kill my parents lol :)

*yall go to the car place*

Fuckhead: im gonna take this 1 for a test drive :)

evan: hey.....hey......b careful......dont....dont hit the pedestrian......god......no......no come on.....why did u do that....fuc...... *buys her the car anyways while sighing the entire time*

Fuckhead: omg thanks dad!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *pushes the window down button* OH MY GOD I BROKE THE CAR! I! B!ROKE! THE! FU!CKI!N!G CAR! I BROKE IT I NEED A NEW ONE

****JOSH****

You: I'm (((your name))) i live in Cavan and i run my own ebay business while Josh go out do the guitar shit fuck lol idk how that shit works lol. i might b old but Josh said i should go get some work done so i went from a 34B to a 34DD n i need em especially bc i just keep bein pregnant!!!!!!! we have 8 kids rn. We have a set of triplet boys named Ed Edd n Eddy, identical twin brothers named Dick and Balls, and two twin girls named Mary Kate and Hashbrown. and im preggo....again!!!! this time only with one kid tho. me n josh r thinkin about calling TLC and getting our own reality tv show like john and kate + 8 cuz that shit flopped.

Josh: i worked hard 2 get here. our house has 20 bedrooms and 16 bathrooms and ive taken a dump in all 16 of them....... *cameras zoom into the background where five year old Dick and Balls are drawing with marker all over his white pants* ARE YOU FUCKING FOR REAL *punts his kids across the room like soccer balls* RONALDO

You: haha lmao he gets cranky sometimes *screaming continues in the background* anyways i have to take my two 11 year olds Mary Kate and Hashbrown to their beauty pageant today. if they dont win then im disowning them:) they better get chugging this go-go juice, made of completely pure mineral water mixed with handpicked goji berries and papaya piss with Super B Complex tablets.

*****Pete*****

You: some ppl might say my life is shady...but i dont. it's part of who i am now. u see this big ass mansion behind me? well it's all thanks 2 my hubby pete, who sells professional hitmen for hire on the deep web.. we used 2 live in a shack but now were sittin on stacks of fuckin CA$H in our Faux Chateau in a premium neighborhood in Cavan only the elites live here!! life culdnt get any better lol!!!!!!

Pete: i have no idea what theyre talking about *blocks Tor browser on computer screen with hands* fuck lol

*cameras show u playing outside with ur Dorder, who is named Dorder specifically because she is your dorder while Pete is inside browsing the black market*

Pete: wanna see some shit? *cameras follow him into a guest bedroom and he pushes a hidden door in the wall and theres a big ass room full of illegal weapons* since i cant jus make money off hitmen (cuz i gotta pay them too lol) i also import and sell illegal weapsons. i think when my dorder turns 12 i will make her a fake ID too. she's only 7 rite now so shes only allowed to have a G19 g4 9mm n she has to keep the safety on at all times. when she gets older i will give her this m4. there is absolutely no reason 4 her to need these becuz we live in a cute little gated suburban community but she doesnt need to go to college, when i die she can inherit my occupation and keep the market economy healthy. also if the government comes for me fuck lol. o shit are u recording? wat the fuck!!!!!!! *his ugly flip phone he uses for gun trafficking starts ringing* FUK OFF!!!!!

*a few mins later* Pete: babe i have to cancel our date tomorrow something came up

(pete has 2 meet up with someone to make an illegal sale)

you: oh i'm just small potatoes. i'm not that importance.

pete: -_-

*******Ross*******

You: i never had twilight phase so i def didnt think i wood be married 2 an emo vampire. we have 2 emo vampire hybrid children and their names are Ebony D'arkness Dementia Raven Way-Farrelly and Vampire Potter-Farrelly

*cameras film yall sitting at the dinner table*

*Vampire Potter-Farrelly sneezes*

you: god bless you. im just kidding

*Ross takes a bottle of soy sauce and instead of soy sauce inside it there's blood and he pours that on his chicken* children would you like some sauce *childrens take sauce*

*cameras show u and ross sitting and he is reading you poetry*

ross: let me be ur ride AND DIE. get killed defending u

you: my hbubby is so romancsick :)

*cameras show yall in ur big ass goffick mansion and ross' room where he sleeps in his coffin with hot pink lining*

you: i luv living on the edge knowing that my kids and hubby could die if they forget to put on their shades and sunscreen before walking outside. we also have a local rival family the McCloreys because they r normies and preps and they wear J.Crew and Sperrys

*Ross drives a black flying Mercedes Benz with a 666 license plate with Vampire Potter and Enoby in the passenger seats past the McClorey's house and they got their middle fingers up because they dont give a fuck*

*****THIS IS THE END OF EPISODE 1 BUT I WILL WRITE EPISODE 2 SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!******