the best strypes imagines ever

Soy Milk

A MOOVING TALE

u r over ur angsty best friend Evan's house. it is dark. he throws a blanket over yall and turns on a flashlight and shines it beneath his face and tells u he is going to tell u a story of how his life was changed forever.

u were preparing for a story like that he encountered a demon when he was 5 and now the demon follows him constantly and he sees dead people on his ceiling. but he collected his breath and began,

"when i was a young boy my father Nail took me into the soy cow farm to see the soy cows get milked. he said son when you grow up will you be the savior of the soy cows, the beaten and the damned? he said will you defeat them, the slaughterhouses and all the non-believers, the plans that they have made? because one day i'll leave you, a phantom to lead you in the summer, to join the Soy Milk Parade"

and you were like what the fuck

so he said, "let me explain. when i was 4 yrs old i got put in the hospital cuz i had an allergic reaction to almond milk. and i went to sleep in the hospital that night and i had a dream that i was in a big field. and in the dream a cow came to me. it was the Soy Cow God. And I did fall on my knees in terror and hide my eyes lest the fierceness of his face strike me dead! he told me all that has since happened; he said "the almonds have taken your life because the worship of them was never upon you. So take you their life! And spill their peanut butter like water upon the earth! but let not the peanut butter pollute the Soy milk." And the Soy cow did say, "they will send slaughterhouses amongst the soy cows. and these slaughterhouses will be un-believers and profaners of the Soy Milk. and the slaughterhouses will sorely test you, for they have great power."

evan had to catch his breath after reciting Isaac Chroner from Children of the Corn's entire speech remixed with soy milk instead of corn. and then he continued.

so basically he was released from the hospital and then went to the Soy Cow Farm because the Soy Cow God commanded him too and he got to milk the cows and he was so emotionally moved and he started crying because he saw the Soy Cow God in the faces of all the cows there. and he petted them and told them that he would make sure none of them when to the slaughterhouses.

then next Christmas Nail bought him his own Soy Cow and Evan named it Wilko Johnson and he used to ride his Soy Cow to school and the kids would make fun of him but he said fuck you and everyone who made fun of him mysteriously died because the Soy Cow God was doing the devil's work because the Soy Cow God liked Evan.

then Evan became friends with Pyromaniac Pete and Evan told Pyromanic Pete about his relationship with Soy Cows and how he was afraid that his cow friends would get slaughtered. so Pyromaniac Pete had an idea and said "tell me where the slaughterhouses are" so they found all the slaughterhouses and Pyromaniac Pete secretly burned them down in the night.

the Soy Cow God was so pleased that he granted Evan three wishes and Evan wished for

1. to rule the world

2. to have unlimited soy milk

3. to do the bang bang on his drums with Dr. Feelgood

so the Soy Cow God made Evan the bitchy sun boy because the sun basically rules the world since it does weather and shit idk

and the Soy Cow God made Wilko Johnson the Soy Cow immortal so Evan could always have soy milk

and the Soy Cow God said that he would be able to perform with Dr. Feelgood when he got older which did happen and he was trying not to cry the entire time

so real talk u and Evan were still under the blanket and then he finished his story and he was wiping tears.

then 5 years later u married him and u rode away together on his immortal soy cow Wilko Johnson after the wedding and it was really beautiful

the end

authors note i know soy cows arent real and soy milk comes from soybeans just shut up and let Evan have his soy milk you heartless fuck