Chronicles of a Teenage Christian

12. I Don't Fear God

First of all I want to apologise for my absence from this platform. I've been battling with myself in my relationship with God and to be honest with you I just didn't feel like writing. On top of that I didn't want to write anything that wasn't spirit led. I realise now that all these past months have been part of my journey and I should've been documenting it but that has all passed now and I feel led to write this.

Some time ago I was praying and I told God how I felt, I was brutally honest about what I thought was wrong with me. I told Him that I don't fear Him. I remember a time when I had that fear and it made me wonder what must've happened... there must be a reason I lost this fear and let me be honest, till this day I still don't know what triggered this loss of fear, but I may have an idea.

Some of you must be wondering why should you be afraid of God? Or you may have heard the phrase 'fear the Lord' and just followed it even though you didn't truly understand the meaning. Some even contest this phrase by quoting 2 Timothy 1:7 'for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.' If God does not give a spirit of fear then why should I fear Him? In some ways that makes sense and it made me question too but then I looked at it from another perspective.

To fear the Lord does not mean to be afraid of Him but to be fearful of His wrath. God's wrath is real, it's just as real as His love. People are often afraid to touch on that subject but it's clear in His word the hatred He has for sin. If we dwell in sin and he hates sin, we are subject to His wrath which in my mind is to be open to the hands of Satan and also share the punishment God has set apart for him.

Think of it this way. Your parents/guardians are your first love, probably your best friend in some ways, but because of the respect you have for them, you think twice before you disobey them. Coming from an African household, there's a certain fear that my mum instilled in me not so that I'd be afraid of her but so that I'd think twice before I did something I knew she wouldn't want me doing.

For example, my mum wouldn't like me to lie to her about my whereabouts when I say I'm going out so say for instance I want to go to a concert half way across the country, there's no way I'd say I'm sleeping over at my cousins for 2 nights. Even though I'm 80% confident I could get away with it, the fact that I know she could find out or that I know I would be lying to her is enough to stop me from doing that. Even if I decided to lie, knowing the way I respect my Mother, while I live that lie for 2 days there's no way I'd be able to enjoy myself because I'd be thinking about how I betrayed her and there'd also be the fear of her finding out. But one thing I would never doubt or be afraid of while I betray my Mother's trust is the love she has for me; that I would never question.

This is the same fear that I don't have of God anymore. If I had that same fear then I would take all the precautions possible before I even think of sinning against Him.

I had a dream last night that has been pondering on my mind all day; it's even what led me to write this. In this dream, I and a group of friends were approaching 10 Downing Street where Ed Miliband was giving a speech then all of a sudden a woman appeared with a gun. Out of everyone, I was the only one that got shot and it was like she wanted to check if I was dead.

The next thing I knew I was lying down in an operating theatre and there was a female surgeon about to operate on me. She was about to give me anaesthesia when I stopped her and asked to pray first. I don't remember much of what I said but I do remember saying 'Lord if I didn't fear you before, I fear you now'. That really stuck out to me... I thought to myself wow, so does it mean that I have to be at the point of death before I am fearful of the wrath I could face as a result of my sins? I don't ever want it to get to the point of death before I realise what is really at stake here. This is my eternity and the eternity of those around me, my friends, family, colleagues, acquaintances.

I need that fear back and I think the more I grow to love and respect God by getting to know Him, the more I'll have a healthy fear of Him, does that make sense? As I've said in the past, the word is the key to everything. The more I read the word, the more real God and the things of Him will appear to me. It's just about doing what I know I need to be doing.

Thanks for reading x