Chronicles of a Teenage Christian

4. I'm Not Perfect, But My Sin Won't Define Me

There’s something that I’m beginning to feel a bit convicted about. Sometimes I feel like on social media I may portray myself to be this perfect Christian girl trying to get right with the Lord but often I don’t share my struggle. I feel it’s just as important to share the amazing things God has done in my life, but when people only see the good, they tend to think that getting closer to God is an easy ride. So when they attempt it too and the going gets tough, they second guess their decision to love the Lord or they think they’re doing something wrong.

Up until now, sin is an aspect of my life I struggle with. Tears just welled in my eyes as I wrote that because of how true it is. The only thing keeping me sane is the fact that God almighty told me in Ephesians 2:8 that ‘God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can't take credit for this; it is a gift from God’

I’ve been envious of other people because they have something I don’t. I’ve lied multiple times and I’ve spoken horribly about people behind their backs. I’ve lusted after good looking men and those that appear sexually attractive to me. I’ve stolen. I’ve cursed and used profane language. I’ve hated and resented people, wished death on some. That’s just to name a few because it’s impossible to list every bad deed I’ve done.

Yes, all of my sin is a thing of the past but I thank God that I’ve recognised the error in my ways. That’s one of the first signs of salvation, God shows you your heart and it is when you recognise this that you can focus on changing that. However, once you’ve asked for forgiveness and repented of it, it should be forgotten. In Hebrews 8:12 ‘God says And I will forgive their wickedness, and I will never again remember their sins’

If God almighty, the King of Kings and the author and creator of love can forget my sin, then who am I to hold it against myself? I tell myself, Jennifer, the next time the devil tells you that you are not worthy of God’s love because of your sin tell him he is a LIAR. Satan is jealous that I love the Lord and not him, he is angry that I’m not part of his army and working towards the destruction of the earth so he will do anything to make me feel like God doesn’t love me back.

There have been days the devil has literally told me “You are a dirty and bad person. Why do you keep going back to God when you know you’ll sin again? You can’t ever understand the bible, you’re too stupid to understand it. You’re not special enough for God to use you. You’ve sinned too much and God is fed up of you constantly sinning and going to ask for forgiveness. Just accept that you’ll never be able to get over compulsive sinning, you love it and you can’t leave what you love behind. You love the gratification you get from saying swear words and you love to gossip about people and their lives because you find it interesting. You love the glares you get from men when your voluptuous cleavage is on show and your derrière is looking good in those jeans. You love when men call you sexy and tell you every physical attribute they lust about you. That person that hurt you in the past? God isn’t revenging them so do it yourself, spread lies about them and destroy them when you get the chance. Laugh at their struggle because they laughed at yours. If God forgave you of your sin then why do you still feel bad about it? Clearly he hasn’t forgiven you and you know why? You’ve asked for forgiveness too many times, your chances are up. Enjoy the satisfaction you get from fulfilling your fleshy desires, you only live once. You’ve sinned before and you didn’t die, nothing bad happened to you so why not do it again? Are you sure that when you get in a relationship you won’t have sex? Look at your friends, they look cute in their relationships and they have sex so what would make it different in your case? Clearly, I care about you more because I give you what you want the minute you ask.”

Does this voice sound familiar?

The devil attacks me with these types of thoughts on a daily basis but the stronger my relationship with the Lord gets, the less it affects me. The more I know about the Lord and His word (The Bible), the more I’m able to laugh at the lies the devil tries to feed me.

“I’m dirty and bad you say? I’m aware and that’s why I came to the Lord in the first place, being dirty and bad is now a thing of my PAST and not my present or my future. My God tells me that the moment I came to Him with faith and a sincere heart asking for forgiveness in the name of His son Jesus Christ then I am pure in His eyes and my sin has been washed away.

I keep going back to my Lord because that is my spiritual right, you CAN NOT stop me from claiming the gift of grace that my creator has given me. I’m too stupid to understand the bible? That may have been so when I was blind but all glory be to God now I can see. My Lord will teach me and the more I study my word and listen to the Lord, the wiser I will become.

I’m not special enough for the Lord to use me? But God told me in Romans 12:6 that we have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. I don’t see why he would give me gifts and talents if I wasn’t special enough to use them according to His Will? He also tells me I have my own individual purpose in this world set apart from the billions of people on this earth, if that doesn’t make me special then I don’t know what does.

Yes I loved the gratification I got from men hollering at me from the sidewalk or the satisfaction I’d get from swearing. However, my love for those things has been replaced with God’s love. I now know what is better and that I’m better than that. I’m more than my flesh and now my love for God won’t let me feel good when a man who isn’t my husband tells me I’m sexy. I deserve my very own Ephesians 5 man because I am God’s princess.

That person that hurt me in the past? The Lord will put forgiveness in my heart even if I haven’t got it yet. Holding onto that person’s bad deed towards me won’t let me move on to enjoy the good things my God has in store for me and I won’t let that blind me. If I see them struggling, my flesh may not want me to help them but I believe that the person God is forming me to become will.

I have the right to go back to my Lord and ask for forgiveness as many times as I want, what you want Satan is for me to keep thinking the same way I do until I receive my last days Grace. The moment my Spirit departs from my body and my chance of redemption is over you want to be able to rejoice victory over my soul. This is so you can ‘prove’ to the Lord that His people love you more than Him. I refuse to be one of your statistics and I will take as many of my brothers and sisters away from you in the process. You’re weak to me and can’t touch me for as long as I live. You can attack me as long as I remain steadfast in the Lord you will never win. You can’t rob me of my Fathers love, sorry not sorry.”

My sin will not define me and I have faith in my spiritual potential. The old Jennifer is dead and I have a brand new chance through God’s love because he gave his only begotten Son for me. Even though my works mean I don’t deserve it, He still loves me and my human brain would never be able to fathom how much He does but as long as I know He loves me, nothing can tell me He doesn’t.

If I have all these gifts from God, then you do too. Yes you, reading this. God thinks you’re special and wants to talk to you and He wants to heal your broken heart. He wants to wipe away your tears and help you break free from addiction, pornography, masturbation, that abusive or sexual relationship, those suicidal thoughts, those feelings of worthlessness. He loves you and you can still come to Him and He will take it away from you as He wrote in Matthew 11:30.

I want to make it clear that I wasn’t always like this, God has brought me far and I still have a long way to go. My testimony so far is bright and it will get even brighter, I am aware that I will go through some dark moments but I’m also aware that my Lord will bring me out stronger and higher than I was before. It’s all part of spiritual maturation.

I don’t have much else on my heart to say now but I hope this helped somebody, thank you for reading and I give thanks to God Almighty for this. It’s all him.