"sleeping on the black top" Yellowstone fanfiction

45 "a widows guilt"

I woke up in my bed groggy. My head was pounding and my body hurt. What didn't help was being woken up by hooping and hollering coming from outside. Before I got up to investigate I reached in my bedside table for another good size amount of pills from the bottle labeled John Dutton. I was near the end. That was unfortunate because I really started to like these tiny little suckers. Once I downed my candy I hopped into some jeans and a Tshirt, I tucked the tshirt in then made my way to my front porch where I sipped
My coffee. I had decided to stay here instead of going back to camp. I found out Monica had made her way down there so I thought staying here would've been the best idea. From afar I watched multiple strangers on horses galloping in the arena. From here i couldn't tell what was going on. Once my pills smacked my ass I was wondering over. I kept my sunglasses up as the daylight sparkled. "Looky here. A straggler" Lloyd snickered. I looked around at multiple people unloading their horses while
Lining up. "What's goin on here?" I questioned. "Job fair. Shouldn't you be At camp?" Rip looked me up and down as he dusted his gloves off.m to fuck into his back pocket "Shouldn't you be at the 12:00 glory hole meeeting at the bar?" I climbed the fence that Lloyd and rip leaned their weight on. "You better watch it young lady" rip threatened. "Oh yes sir father sir" I gave him the finger. "Now tell me. What's this"

"Since our friend walker is gone, John figured we find someone new. Someone good. Someone who can take his place better than he could do" rip scanned the people around us slowly like some robot finding its enemy. "I don't know. Walker was pretty good" I said. "In bed or at roping?" Rip glanced at me with a smirk "oh fuck you" I say. "Man. I love the sound of you two bickering again. It's the best sound I've heard in a long time" Lloyd smiled with his elbows on the fence underneath me. "I don't" rip leaned over the fence as he watched a thin woman whom dressed like a teenage boy rope a calf like butter on a biscuit. "Woooo weee" Lloyd whistled "what's your name!?" Rip shouted to her as she rode her horse closer to us. She spoke loud but with unrecognizable speech. "Peter?" Lloyd questioned. I understood her accent. Wherever she was from I knew it. "Do I look like a fuckin man?! Do I look like a mother fuckin Peter you scrotum licking son of a whore!" She shouted loudly to the both of them. My jaw dropped at her behavior. "Teeter. Her names teeter" I said as I watched her with lust in my eyes "Thank you sugar!" Teeter nodded to me as she watched Lloyd and rip with a bothersome expression. Lloyd and rip glanced at each other for any further thoughts. "Oh baby you're hired" I was obsessed with her. She was mean as shit. "Fuckin serious?" Teeter smiled a half smile while the rest of her smile held dip in her lip. "Fancy. We didn't agree-"

"Shut the fuck up rip. I love her. She's hired" I smirked devilishly. "She's gonna make them boys life a living hell. I love her!"

After a couple hours the boys returned home. I held my feet up on the table as I leaned my chair back to watch them unpacked their things so they could begin to wine down. That until a half naked woman with short blonde and pink dyed hair stepped out from the bathroom. I could hear their jaws drop to the floor. I crossed my arms waiting with excitement but of course with no expression. Lloyd sat beside me chuckling to himself. "Fuck y'all lookin a?!"  Teeter snarled with her heavy draw. "Looking? Huh?" Colby began shocked as she didn't act the way she looked. "A! T! A! do you not know the English fuckin language? That's okay baby. I'll teach ya" teeter flirtatiously smacked his chest as he waltz to her bed with only a towel around her. I held back my evil smile. "Y'all keep staring at me is turn in me on!!" She hollered as she spat her dip spit across the room. The men, completely turned off looked back at me knowing damn well I hired her. I nodded my head as I clapped. "Boys! Meet your new roomie teeter! Teeter! my baby, do as you please with them! But please.. do remember you're mine sugar!" I stood up smacking Ryan on his shoulders before shaking them gleefully as I gave them the big news. "Don't worry baby girl. You'll still be my one and only" she spoke following a wink. "The fuck did she just say?" Ryan looked back at me puzzled "God. Don't you just love her?" I whispered over Ryan's shoulders. "No.. no not at all" Ryan shook his head as he stared at the not very lady like lady whom teased Colby from her bunk. She blew kisses like bubbles.  I gagged. "Enjoy darlin. Enjoy" I patted his jeans before finding the door. "I'll start with you you milk chocolate man! C'mere!" I heard her say before Colby cringed in his boots "I would rather choke on my vomit honestly!" I shut the door behind me as I shuffled my aching boots against the gravel. My pills were wearing down. I was getting tired. My body was slowing down. I glanced behind me at jimmy coming from the bunkhouse doors. "Hey. Jimmy. I got a question for you" I called out. Jimmy was quick to come closer "what's up?" He crossed his arms to listen closley. "I know you ain't inro that life anymore but.. by any change you know anyone who sells pills? Like pain killers. I don't know anything about pills. I just know my body is fuckin killing Me. I can't go to a doctor to get any" I hugged my skinny arms around my thin body. Jimmy nodded softly "I know of some old friends. You just can't tell anyone I told you about them. Nor that I got you some" jimmy said as he watched me with a very concerned look. He seemed worried for my health. "Thank you jimmy. It would mean a lot to me" I patted his arms "pills are not cheap though fancy. They're pricey"

"Oh. Well here" I pulled out some cash from my pocket "is this enough?" I asked. Jimmy laughed softly "damn. How many pills do you need?" He thought I was joking. I wasn't. "How many it takes to fix me" I said. "Fancy.. pills are temporary relief. They don't fix you" he reassured me. I shook my head "I beg to differ" I patted his arm once more before heading back up the my house "thank you Jim"

...

Alone I sat on the porch. I could see from my porch the Duttons window. I could see them enjoying dinner like a family. I was jealous. Jealous of their family. I was jealous of any family that existed. I truly wish I had one. I watched them with sadness in my eyes as I looked back at all the mistakes I've made in my entire life. I hated my life. I had no goals, no values, no love, nothing. I knew I would
Be alone for the rest of my life. I knew I never wanted to have sex ever again after that horrific night. I knew I would never be comfortable with men. Although I would never show it. I was raised to be too strong headed and mean for that wimpy pussy shit. I picked at my finger nails as I tiredly watched the hallmark movie. I curled up on my porch swing listening to the crickets chirp but then I heard footsteps. I was quick to perk up into defense mode. It was Ryan. Walking up to my porch steps. "What are you doing up?" I questioned. "I should be Asking you the same thing" he climbed my steps to stand at the top one. He leaned his back on the railing. "I don't sleep much anymore" I say. "No?" He was curious. I just left him with a nod instead of spewing my built up feelings. "Why not?" He questioned again. "Watcha want Ryan? Why are you here?"

"I just came to see you. Is that so wrong?"

"How come you're around all of a sudden? What's going on in that head of yours?" I was confused with his behavior switch. Ever since my little event he has been worried about me and my well being. "I care about you" he sat down beside me on the porch swing as I listened to him speak. "You feel guilt?" I asked. Ryan shook his head "no. I just care about you"
"You feel guilty because you're the one who found me. You're the one to promise my husband to protect me and didn't. This isn't your fight to fight Ryan"

"There is more to it than that" he said. "I don't wanna know.." I leaned my head back tiredly. "Then I won't tell you" I nodded. "That's fine. I prefer it" I turned my head to face him with tired batting eyes. He smiled softly at my face. His eyes shifted in a way that was observing my features. "Why don't you sleep?" Ryan said sweetly and also gently. I closed my eyes as I shook my head "I keep seeing things. I can go an hour before waking up in a full panic. I see faces of men. I can still feel the pain that I felt.."

Ryan leaned back next to me and listened with no complains, no judgment, just open ears. "Have you tried sleeping pills or anything?" He comfortably put his legs up on the railing Infront of us. "I've been taking some pills Dutton gave me. Sure I can fall asleep but it's the staying asleep that kills me" I sighed following a long rub of my thigh as I hated to think about anything I dealt with. "What do you see?" He asked again. I looked down at the wood of the front porch. "Them.. the men... when I close my eyes I see them taking out my stupid useless eye... I can feel the pain in my dream still. I can feel their stupid tiny fuckin dic-" I covered my face. I wanted to cry. I was so embarrassed. Not just for my tears but the way Ryan had found me that night. I seem weak and spineless. Less of a man. Ryan was quick to pull me into him. He yanked me closer to him holding my head on his chest. I myself was quick to grip his shirt in a needy way. I let out a long heartfelt sob into his chest. My legs tucked into my body as I curled up against him to sob like a baby. He pulled me even closer against him just to rub my back as I balled. "You're safe here darling. More than you know.."

"I know that" I hid my face against him like a lost child. I shut my eyes to hid from my shame. "I know you can't unsee them things.. that's okay. You don't have to forget. You'll probably never forget. But what you need to know is it'll never happened again" his leg laid along the swinging bench as he held me curled up on him. He yanked an old beaten blanket down from the back of the bench to drape over my curled up body. I didn't reply to Ryan. If I spoke I would ball even more. I hated crying. I hated sympathy. But something about this man brought me emotions. "You're exhausted... you've beaten yourself up... I think you might need-" I was out like a light. I was no longer listening to him. I was passed out. The moment my head hit that man's chest I was gone. And guess what? I slept for hours under his arms. Longer than I had slept in a long time. It was as if I felt... safe... I felt protected.. as if I felt loved...

.