Divergent: Four's POV

Chapter 21

I wake the next morning feeling happier than I have ever been. Even though nothing can appear to have changed between me and Tris, I know I will see her again soon. I'm already thinking of a way that we can meet and steal some time alone somewhere, maybe the chasm again, or maybe my apartment.

I decide to go to get my hair cut before breakfast. I get it cut very short, Abnegation short.

I make my way to the cafeteria for breakfast. I walk in and go straight to my normal table without looking around. I know she is here, the same way as I know when she is looking at me, but I wait until I walk to the counter to get my food before I look over in her direction. She looks kind of sad, but perks up a bit when she sees me steal a glance in her direction. We really didn't talk about what would happen now, but I hope she understands that we cannot let anyone know about us yet. If we did people would think her ranking was because of me, and the leaders would punish me in some way for dating an initiate.

I come back to the table and begin eating my breakfast. I'm lost in thought when suddenly Shauna starts asking me questions.

"Okay, what is up with you this morning? Hair cut, pleasant mood, smile on your face..." She hesitates for a moment then says quietly but loud enough for Zeke and Lauren to hear her, "Oh my God, you kissed her, didn't you?"

Zeke looks up from his food and stares at me waiting for my response or to look and see what Shauna has seen. Lauren just smiles at me expectantly.

I just keep eating and don't answer. My non-response is answer enough.

"You did! What happened, when?" Lauren asks.

I am not a girl; I am not going to sit here and get all giddy and give away details. But I am going to have to give them something or they won't let up.

"Last night after work, I was headed back to my room and I saw her in the Pit. She was near the chasm with her friends and I walked by. We started to talk and her friends decided to go back to the dorms. Just before she went back, I kissed her."

I know it is a total fabrication, but I'm not telling them everything about last night. They will never understand. They look at me and seem to believe my story; at least they don't push for too many more details.

"So what is going to happen now?" Shauna asks.

"I don't know," I say. "She is still an initiate and initiation is not over. I have to behave accordingly, at least until tomorrow night after the final ranks are announced. Then we will see."

"Looks like you have given this quite a bit of thought," Zeke says.

"He had to," responds Lauren. "He knows what is at stake for both of them if someone finds out and decides to retaliate."

She is more right than she can possibly know. I find myself smiling again. Thinking about last night and realizing that my friends understand me more than I thought.

"Well Four," says Lauren. "We have to go, it is fear landscape day!"

We stand and walk up to the fear landscape room. The initiates will be here soon.

XXX

"Two years ago," Lauren says, "I was afraid of spiders, suffocation, walls that inch slowly inward and trap you between them, getting thrown out of Dauntless, uncontrollable bleeding, getting run over by a train, my father's death, public humiliation, and kidnapping by men without faces." She puts her hands into her pockets. "Most of you will have anywhere from ten to fifteen fears in your fear landscapes. That is the average number," she says.

"What's the lowest number someone has gotten?" Lynn asks.

"In recent years," says Lauren, "four." Everyone looks over at me. For the first time the initiates realize why I am called Four. I keep my eyes focused on the ground, but I can feel Tris' eyes on me. "You will not find out your number today," she continues. "The simulation is set to my fears instead of your own." I'm glad she agreed to this. There is just no way I am letting just anyone into my fears. "For the purposes of this exercise, though, each of you will face oneof my fears, to get a sense for how the simulation works."

She begins passing out fears to each of the initiates. Tris ends up with kidnapping. I'm not sure this is a good idea; she just went through that in real life not so long ago.

I watch as everyone goes through one of Lauren's fears. Lauren decided that she didn't want to be in there, since these are her worst fears, so I'm the one hooked up to the computer observing. One by one the initiates move through her fears, then it is Tris' turn. She looks confident, maybe she will be fine. Maybe she will be able to handle this. She slips into the simulation and I watch her reactions. She looks terrified almost immediately.

A field of grass erupts all around her and someone grabs a hold of her arms. She screams and her body thrashes against the assailants. Unexpectedly the scene changes and it is dark. She is near the chasm and is about to be thrown over the railing by Peter. She changed Lauren's simulation into her own fear. She continues screaming and crying out, desperate for someone to help her escape them. She can't calm down; she is losing her sense of reality. She is supposed to remember that this is a simulation and that she can manipulate it. This is taking longer than it should She can't get out on her own without calming down and there is no sign of that happening.

"Stop," I say. I walk in and lift her to her feet. I don't want to be cruel, but I also don't want the others to know what just happened or that the reason that I stopped it was because I can't see her go through that again. I hope she understands.

"What the hell was that, Stiff?"

"I," she sobs. "I didn't..."

"Get yourself together! This is pathetic."

She looks at me completely crushed. She can't believe that I'm talking to her like this. I feel horrible, but what else can I do. The initiates are watching, Lauren is watching and although she knows about us, she doesn't know about Tris' Divergence.

Her body stiffens and she glares at me. She pulls her hand back and slaps me in the face. "Shut-up!" she growls. She pulls herself from my grasp and storms out of the room.

I am furious right now and I want to follow her, but I can't. I'll have to settle for finding her after we are done here.