Your forever is all that I need (Kellin Quinn - Sleeping with Sirens) ON HOLD.

Chapter 17 - Low.

I think it’s difficult finding out that you have something wrong with you, especially when it’s serious and affects almost everyone around you and causes so many problems. I know how hard it was walking into the doctors that day, the day after Kellin had gone on tour and left me with our month old daughter, Alice.

We’d not been on good terms nor had we even spoken since he’d left the day before. Normally I’d have at least one text. I was worried I was going to loose him.

But there was a feeling inside, something that was trapping me, and only allowing me to uncontrollably show my bitter emotions and feelings towards everything and everyone.

I hadn’t bonded with Alice very well since she’d been born. It’s difficult to explain. I could barely show any love or comfort towards her, but I didn’t want anyone else, not even Kellin, to either. I did love her a lot, but this trapped feeling left me weak and sour. I wasn’t adapting to motherhood and I felt ashamed of myself that I had to seek help, even though I shouldn’t have.

*

‘So what are your problems, Sage?’ the woman behind the office desk asked me with a small smile across her face, her hands were folded across her desk and her fingers were tapping slightly across the wood. Her name was Kerry.

‘It’s hard to explain’ I said nervously, glancing at the pram beside me, that contained my beautiful sleeping baby Alice.

‘Just take a deep breath and tell me everything’ Kerry smiled.

So I did. And it took a lot longer than her intentions, and mine probably. It resulted in me crying and feeling useless and worthless. And I realised for the first time in a while that I really needed Kellin, but it was too late, he was already gone. And a simple phone call just didn’t seem like quite enough.

Kerry tapped away into her computer, confessing my first and worst assumption, post-natal depression. She prescribed me some pills and said it may take a while but the medication would help along with the support of my family.

What family? I thought.

I drove home listening to the radio on low, I didn’t enjoy being alone. I knew I had a daughter, but I didn’t have anyone to talk to, to go shopping with or anything. My band had problems of their own and Aleks was visiting family. I just needed someone. And I didn’t even need to think who it was.

I took the drugs as soon as I got home, my hands shaking as I swallowed the seemingly huge pills. Alice was a happy baby, unless she was hungry, then she’d cry and I’d get this heart wrenching feeling in my chest, knowing that I was useless to help her.

Eventually she fell asleep and I put her to sleep in her cot, watching her, daydreaming away and then turning the monitor on so I could hear if anything happened while I was downstairs.

I picked up my phone on the way out, no messages. I sighed heavily, texting a quick ‘please come on skype’ message to Kellin, praying he’d say okay and we could talk properly, sort of face to face, I just needed to see him, hear him, know he still loved me. I needed reassurance and hope. I’d been the worst partner this last month, he had to know the truth.

My laptop began to ring just as I reached the bottom of the stairs, and although my heart was racing from nervousness, I was so glad he’d got on with it. I almost ran into the living room and pulled the laptop onto my lap and answered the video call, hoping I didn’t look as shattered and shit as I felt. I needed something to keep him latched.

An image of Kellin came up on my screen, he was in his bunk, I could tell. He looked tired, but he managed to smile weakly and say a quick hey to me. I squeaked a hello as all I could feel now was numbness and a lump in my throat.

‘How’s Alice?’ Kellin asked, looking down at his keyboard. My heart kind of fell a bit, I thought he’d at least ask how we both are. I did have some important news for him.

But then again I guess I’m just being selfish.

‘She’s good’ I almosted choked, ‘I went to the doctors today’

He looked up at me and frowned, ‘what? Why?’, I could see the panic in his eyes and was waiting for him to tell me that I should’ve rang him earlier, but he didn’t.

‘I’m sick, Kellin’ I said, tears forming in my eyes, ‘I have post-natal depression, which explains why I’ve been being such a bitch lately’

There was nothing but complete silence, Kellin just looked shocked, I needed him to say something, to promise me everything was going to be okay and that he’d be there for me, but he didn’t.

‘So I’m on medication and they said I’ll get better but it’ll just take time, I’m sorry, I love you’ I said, tears falling down my dry pale face, ‘I just thought you should know’

And I hung up because I couldn’t be in hysterical tears through a video call. He tried to ring back, but I wouldn’t answer, he sent continuous text messages begging for me to answer but I refused. I couldn’t speak to him. I felt so dreadful.

I ended up crying myself to sleep on the sofa. I awoke to the sound of ambulance sirens at some ridiculous time in the morning, it was still dark outside. I was cold and stiff, and my face was dry from crying. I got up warely and switched the lights off, walking upstairs and checking on Alice, she was still fast asleep. Which was weird.

I went and sat in the landing, it was dark and quiet, I pulled my phone out and checked all the messages from Kellin.

Please pick up

I love you, I promise I’ll be there for you

I need you to pick up Sage I’m really scared

I’m so sorry I should’ve realised

And so on. I hovered over the call button and just stared at it. I felt numb and I needed something to help me, maybe Kellin’s voice would wake me up and allow me to see reality.

‘Hello?’ I said nervously as it rang through.

‘Sage! Oh my fucking God I was so scared you have no idea, I’m so sorry I was such a douche I should’ve known, I have to be there for you’ Kellin said in a rush.

Tears filled my eyes again, what a rough day it had been. All I wanted was Kellin to come home but I knew he couldn’t. It was so difficult.

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A/N: helloooo, sorry I’ve not updated in about 32 years but my laptop broke and merh everything is written off of my phone now :// hope this chapters okay though!! Love you all, thanks for sticking around <3