The Voting Machine

No One Else to Blame

It wasn't until I ended the conversation with Gina that I realized the baby was crying in the other room. Suzy came out and took a bottle of pumped breast milk from the refrigerator. She looked very tired. I knew she was not in a good mood.

"You're so loud on that call," she said. "How many nights are you going to be talking to her like that?"

"I don't know. Could be a lot." I knew this wasn't what she wanted to hear, but I was just being honest. I was wondering whether Suzy heard the specifics of our talk at the end or just the noise blaring through the wall.

"I don't want you making all this noise so late. It's going to be too hard on me and Reina."

"This is when I have to work. Gina's in India so she needs to do this during her daytime."

"Why can't she get up in the middle of her night instead? She doesn't have a baby to deal with like we do."

"Suzy, she's my boss now. She has hundreds of other employees she has to manage in India. She can't change her schedule for me. I have to change my schedule for her."

"Sounds like you're making excuses for her again, just like when she was here in LA."

"Suzy, you still don't get it, do you?" I was speaking louder and this prompted Reina to cry louder in the other room. "Instead of appreciation, all I hear is complaining. You don't understand my situation at all, do you?

"You don't understand my situation," she yelled. "I am the one taking care of our daughter. I am doing everything to keep her healthy and alive. I don't get any money for what I am doing. I don't get any award. Doing your job is easy compared to what I do. The one time I asked you to do something, like keep the noise down, you give me some shit."

"Stop swearing in front of the baby, Suzy," I shouted. "You never used to talk like this."

"I never used to talk like this because you never used to act like this, Temo!"

"What do you want from me?"

"I want you to be the man you used to be. The man who showed me how much he cared. Now you're always distracted in your own world. Sometimes you come home smelling bad and I know you've been drinking."

"Of course, I am not like I was before. I have to worry about how we are going to survive. How are we going to live if I don't have a way to make money?"

"We have the award money. If you lose your job we can live off of that."

"That's going to run out. What happens then?"

"Something will come along."

"It's not that easy. Stop complaining about me working with Gina. I know what I am doing."

She went back into the bedroom. Reina stopped crying and they fell asleep.

I was upset.

I needed to take a walk and get some air.

I strolled down Carson Street. I was tired and confused. But deep in my heart, I knew that Suzy was right. Something was happening to me. My life had always been a mess before I met Suzy. She didn't just give me love, she gave me courage and confidence and purpose. And now that was all slipping away.

It felt like everything in my life was changing so fast. I couldn't see the way forward. Chet talked about the fact that I never had a comfort zone to begin with. But I always wanted one. I spent my whole life trying to get a foothold and it was vanishing underneath me.

It wasn't just me. A whole bunch of people were watching their comfort zone sink like an island under rising tides. I was getting pushed out of my old reality into a new one, flying headlong into a strange future whether I liked it or not, like the avatar hovering through the Second World. Other people weren't as lucky as I was. They didn't get to leave their sinking island and fly into the Second World. They were simply getting left behind to sink.

I continued my stroll down Carson Street toward the Harbor Medical Center. I ducked into the dive bar where I'd become a regular in the past month.

Davis, the handsome bartender, greeted me. I looked into his clear blue eyes. I figured he was about the same age as me. He seemed sharp. I wondered why a guy like this would be working in a bar. I guess it just showed how hard it was to get a good job in LA these days.

"I heard about what happened at Passion," he said. "That's tough, man. So many companies pulling out of LA..."

The bartender poured me another draft and a shot of tequila on the house.

"I am glad you still got something, Temo. Plenty of unemployed guys come in here. They fall in a rut and they can't get out. You should hear the stories they tell me. One guy's wife wants him to go on anxiety medication but he can't afford to see a doctor. Another guy's son wants to try out for high school football but he can't afford the equipment. Another guy can't afford braces for his daughter and he's worried everyone is gonna think she's ugly. The worst part is that these poor guys think it's their fault they got laid off. They put it on themselves, like they are the ones who failed."

"Of course they feel like it's their fault. How are they supposed to feel?" I slammed my fist on the table.

"Sorry, man. I didn't mean nothing," Davis replied. "My only point is. You're still working. And don't be hard on yourself. A man can't be too hard on himself just because he's going through hard times."

By the time I stumbled back home I was already plenty drunk.

The bartender's consolation stuck in my head.

At least I still had a job.

But I wasn't stupid. My current assignment wouldn't last forever. I was creating training videos for the new call center workers in other countries to replace me. After I finished that project, what would Chet do with me then?