The Voting Machine

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For the next two months, I searched in vain for a new job, sending out an endless stream of resumes to job postings on the Internet. I got a handful of responses for follow-up interviews, where I was always rejected for some reason or another. Sometimes it was lack of experience. Sometimes it was too much experience. Nothing seemed to work in my favor. Even the Employee of the Year award somehow put me at a disadvantage, prompting concerns I'd want more money than anyone was willing to pay for my skills.

So day after day, I muddled along in the same miserable routine, sitting at my computer in pajamas all day long, staring at Internet job boards, taking a stroll to the bar in the afternoon.

It was driving me crazy.

I felt more worthless with every passing day. A man who cannot provide for his family is really not a man at all. I hated myself intensely, because that's what losers do. It was just like I had always feared: deep down inside, a loser is always a loser, even if he wins once or twice along the way.

The agony and isolation of unemployment gave me an eternity to reflect on all my failures. I could look back on the whole arc of my life. I could see that this had all been inevitable. Every step I'd ever taken was leading toward the cul de sac, the end of the road, the same fate as my father. It didn't matter what I tried to do. My past would kill my future.

What made this worse was that Gina was still trying to contact me. I could see her e-mails in my Gmail inbox, even though I refused to open them. There was a sense of urgency in the titles of her mail. She must have been very lonely living in a new country. Even then, it was hard to believe that I was really so important to her.

From Subject Date

Gina Hill Friend me on Facebook April 15

Gina Hill Gotta show you something April 21

Gina Hill Please read this! April 28

Gina Hill Call me ASAP May 1

Gina Hill Temo please May 2

Finally, I woke up one morning and Suzy was crying.

"Gina e-mailed me again, Temo. She said she needs to talk to you."

"Just ignore her, Suzy. That's what I am doing."

"Why is she still trying to contact you? What did you do, Temo?"

"I didn't do anything."

"Then why won't she leave us alone?"

"I don't know!"

I was shouting at my wife. I couldn't control my anger.

"How come you don't take my side, Suzy? I did everything you wanted. Now I am unemployed. I have no future. I spend every day just sitting here losing my mind."

"You're losing your mind? Being here with wife and daughter is the worst thing that could happen to you?"

"You're the problem, Suzy. You just attack me. You never take my side."

"I wish you could see yourself," she said. "You're so different now. It's like you're on drugs or something."

Suzy was right. I was being mean. I was being selfish. My behavior was getting out of control in a million different little ways. When you added them all together, it turned into something scary. I was no longer the man she married. The whole time we screamed at each other the doubts kept running through my head.