Philophobia (Jonathan Crane, O/C)

Misty Memories

"When you want me I am here then you change your mind again and disappear."

- 'Do Me Damage' by Digital Daggers

"How long was she in there?" I hear Bruce's voice shouting at someone.

The person responds.

"She could have died. I could have lost her..."

- Three Hours Before-

I fill the white bathtub with cold water, stripping down and out of my clothes. I step inside, letting my body sink to the bottom. I place my head on the back of the tub and close my eyes. I grip my hands on the side of the tub.

I have always wanted him. I have always craved his touch. I have always needed him.

"You're going to fall," I heard Jonathan's voice from behind me; I turned on my worn brown leather boots heel, the stone bridge causing more wear. He came charging up the bridge, hands deep in his brown jacket. A rustic orange scarf tightly wrapped around his neck, his school bag around his neck and over his shoulder. I stopped and waited for him to catch up.

"No I'm not I have incredible balance," I responded, turning back around and putting my finger-less gloved hands out on either side of me.

"Stop acting like a child," he scolded me. I rolled my eyes and stopped, turning around and putting my hands on my red pant knee, moving down so that we were face to face. I lock eyes with his blue eyes.

"Stop acting like a grown up," I playfully retorted.

"I am an adult." He rolled his beautiful blue eyes.

"No you're my little lost boy," I bopped his nose. He smiled gently; his smile never taken over his entire face afraid that it will be too short lived.

"I hate when you do that," he went to swat my hand away but I already had it pulled away from his face. I started to walk again, he stayed close to me afraid that I would fall in; he was only one little tug away from saving me, not like I ever wanted to test that theory.

"Really then why do you smile whenever I do it?" He sighed at my question.

I am one of the only people who can get Jonathan to smile. I mean a real genuine smile, one that takes up his whole face. Those are hard but I've done it. Getting him to smile at all is a gift, one that I mastered after freshman year.

"I don't know what you are talking about," he smiled again as we reached the end of the bridge, he put out his hand.

I looked at it, my heart beating in my chest. I accepted it; I would have grown out of having to walk the bridge every single time if it wasn't for the reward at the end. His touch. Even at that age there was something toxic about his touch. Maybe it's because it is special. Or rare. Every little time I had it I wanted more.

I accepted his hand, jumping down and giving him his hand back. We walked in silence, a comfortable silence, one that I don't mind.

"Aren't you cold?" I looked over at him, my eyebrows raised. I wasn't cold but his words made me cold. I nodded my head, thinking he couldn't see it. Of course he could, he was always in tune with whatever I was doing, whatever I was saying. He knew. He knows. I'm not one to not answer questions but I was afraid that my voice would betray me.

"Here," he held out his arm. I accepted it and leaned into him, he stiffened for a moment like always but it melted away from him.

- I always fit into his world. I made myself do that. Who was I? Why did I allow myself to latch onto something that was so broken? I knew he was broken. You could see it in his blue eyes and I wasn't blind. I was broken to wasn't I? I had people who loved me though. You could tell that he didn't. I wanted to be that person. So I was that person-