ruined [jariana]

day six.

not edited
• ariana grande •
i couldn't stop thinking about yesterday. i couldn't remember if i was trying to escape this world or if i was just trying to run away from the school. the whole day hit me like a ton of bricks. i had never felt so shocked in my life. i wasn't expecting to be held by that certain person. the day continued to replay in my mind like a song on repeat, tattooed into my brain.

"i'm sorry.." was spoken softly into my hair. i was left confused as i felt the person let go of me, yet i didn't want to part ways. snapping my head up with my arms wrapped around my figure, her long red hair swayed as she ran back towards the school. she stopped for a split second to turn around and catch me looking, only to turn back and continue her pace.

she came to check on me. had she been watching? she definitely knew something had gone on between me and justin, obviously. she hated me. i don't understand why i felt so.. protected. i should hate her. i should've gotten revenge. why couldn't i feel myself hating her? she had legitimately exposed me just a few minutes prior.

i slowly walked away from the school, worn out. i just wanted to go home. cry myself to sleep.. anything. i couldn't see straight, really. i was bummed out. tears still streamed down my cheeks like a long river. i didn't understand this.

why hadn't i reacted? maybe it was due to me not.. no. i know i hate her, with a passion.

then maybe you would've looked up to see it was her and let go.

i wanted to, alright?

no, because you mentally told yourself that you wanted to never let go.

that was before i knew it was her.

no it wasn't.

yes, it was.

no.

yes!

shut up.

i skipped school today. i don't know if i should go and see her, maybe question her about what that was. i also needed to see justin. i know he doesn't want to see me but.. i think i.. nah. love is a strong word. his face just overtakes my mind sometimes.

he's literally perfect. from his plump, pink lips, to his adorable little nose. from his chocolatey eyes to his soft, blondish hair. from his muscular body to his happy trail. his tannish-toned skin.. his hugs. he was all-in-all perfect.

i wish i could experience it all again but i doubt i'll ever get the chance. i plan on  traveling away tomorrow. i don't want to tell anyone about it. i'm planning on staying in Miami, Florida. for good. i want a new start.

• cat butera •
what is wrong with me. why did i run after her? why did i possibly want to hug her? why was i crying? all of these thoughts have been attacking my head as i ran away from her yesterday. she's family. blood. i have a reason to do that. i can't watch my own family member kill herself. i refuse to. especially when you could hear her sobs as she ran. i wanted to make her feel wanted.

she hates me, so. i ruined her life and i can't take that back now. i hope i can make it up to her. probably not, but i know some things she absolutely loves. anyways.. did she love mr. bieber? i mean, she did run away from his office crying. i could've sworn i heard her say 'i love you justin' while i hugged her.

i plan on going to her house to give her a bunch of things. yeah! tomorrow. i'll have it all planned out. i'll officially start to make it up to her. starting tomorrow, totally. i continued to drive home, thoughts still swarming my head.

• justin bieber •
i heavily sighed as i carried a few boxes of classroom things to my car. today was one day off from the last day of school. i'm traveling away from this shitty, drama-filled place. i'm leaving back every memory.. every person.

guilt swarmed throughout me all day. i didn't mean to snap at her. i saw the video yesterday night. she was right. there was no way she could've recorded it because it was in a corner of the classroom. my voice was edited deeply and my face stayed covered with a black circle.

i wanted to apologize but it was best that i hadn't. i'm leaving everything behind tomorrow and i'll restart. no more ariana, no more affairs, no more anything. just me living out my life like i was supposed to do at this age. i'm still young and have a lot of things to accomplish, and i will.

tomorrow..

•••
kinda wanna cry bc this book has ONE more chapter after this.

but the sequel will be up as soon as i get some ideas on what i want it to be about.

so glad to have my SECOND book finished soon! ugh, it's such a relief bc i usually delete my books halfway through when i'm just not feeling them anymore.

but this one, i actually didn't. at first, i lost interest. then, i continued it and i couldn't be more prouder of myself.

ily all.