Finding The Courage (a Ziam Mayne AU)

Chapter Nine "Distance"

Liam's POV

I didn't want to lose a friend. But I couldn't be more than friends with Zayn. I was too scared. I was terrified of the thought. Feeling lost, being let down, being hurt. I couldn't risk it.

Zayn didn't know. He would think I despised him. He would think I only used him and didn't like him anymore. But I had no choice. I couldn't...

I avoided him in uni on Monday. I wasn't yet sure what I was going to do, so I didn't want to be forced into interaction - I would crumble and fall.

"You're gonna have to face him eventually.", Harry said, when we were having lunch outside the university building.

"Watch me.", I mumbled, dropping the fork into the sauce on my plate. It spilled all over the tablecloth. I let out a frustrated groan and grabbed a napkin to minimize the damage.

"Alright.", Harry snarled. "Have it your way. I am just trying to help."

"You get your own fucking relationship issues together before you hand out advice like you had a clue!", I snapped and buried my fingernails into my palms.

Harry stared at me in silence, biting his lips.

"I- I'm sorry, Harry. I wasn't trying to- I had no right to say that..." My stomach wrenched. I really didn't want to hurt him.

"You're tense. I get it.", he said, but he didn't mean it.

"I'm sorry.", I repeated.

"Leave it." He got up and put on his jacket. "We don't need to talk about it anymore."

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It really helped that Zayn didn't try to call or text. I didn't know what to make of his indifference but I needed to sort my own feelings out before I could worry about him.

Was I being selfish? Definitely. But I didn't care. I needed...time.

"What are you packing for?"

I had been looking for my suitcase when Harry came home. I'd hoped to be done before he could notice because I wasn't yet sure wether I was even going. "Don't really know yet.", I mumbled, without paying him too much attention.

"Are you leaving?", he said, shocked, and grabbed me by the shoulders. "You're not seriously just running away now?!"

I evaded his burning, green eyes, looking down to the floor. My face reddened and I felt his disapproval in every limb. "I just need...time.", I whispered pathetically. "I'm not even sure I'm gonna go yet, anyways."

"You think running away from the problem will solve it? Let me give you a hint: No." He shook me. "As your flatmate and your friend, I am just trying to save you from yourself."

"I appreciate it. But I need to think. Away from you and him and all of this."

"Where are you going, then?"

I shrugged. "Nowhere, eventually."

"Yeah, I got that! But if you go?" He got more annoyed with every word he said.

"Home. Wolverhampton, I mean. Back to the roots and all. Pretend to know what I'm doing."

"You really think you should go home, of all things?" When I didn't answer, he gave me a look that pierced right through my heart and turned to leave. "You know what, Liam?", he said quietly. "Fuck you. Life's not all pink and peachy but some of us at least have the guts to move on rather than living in our past."

With that he went out of the room and left me feeling deserted and hated and guilty. I was. I deserved it. He was right. I was wrong. He was brave. I was a coward. Yet I didn't feel any different. I felt as confused and lost and scared as I had before.

I found the suitcase behind a bunch of boxes in our storeroom. I threw as much stuff as fit in there and stored it in a corner of my room. I would give myself until next weekend. If I couldn't come up with something better until then, I would leave.

Harry was good in his own. He wasn't angry because I wanted to leave. He was just trying to protect me.

But shielding me from the problem would do about as much as running away from it would. I had to solve it. And in order to do that, I would have to take things into my own hands.

I let myself fall onto the bed and put my hands over my face, listening to my crazy heartbeat. This was mental. What  had I gotten myself into?! If I hadn't slept with him, everything would still be the way it had been before.

From the kitchen I could hear Harry sing along to a song on the radio that I'd never heard before but to which he knew every single line. I needed to let him know what a good friend he was and how much I loved him for that, before he would give up on me and I would lose him as well. He didn't deserve the way I treated him.