Relapse (Phan)

FIVE

"Yes,"

I'll admit, I felt my heart break a little when he said it.

"What's wrong?" I asked, clutching my sheets to my chest.

"I-I dunno," he admitted.

"Yes you do," I pried, "You wouldn't have called if you didn't know."

"Hmph," he laughed, "You always could read me."

"Don't say things like that," I said, a pang in my chest, "please."

"Sorry," he said.

"Tell me what's wrong," I said, after a slightly awkward pause.

"I-" he began, "I just-" whatever words he may have managed to get out of that were drowned in sobs as he burst into tears again.

"Dan? Dan, please, I-I'm sorry," I said, desperate to say something remotely calming, "Dan, please stop crying. Please!" I begged. I'm horrible with crying people and at this moment it was painfully obvious as Dan bawled into the phone and I lay on my bed, straining to think of anything to say to him.

"You've got n-nothing to be sorry for," Dan sniffed, but I couldn't help but feel like I did. I mean, I knew I probably hadn't contributed to his crying, but I hadn't seen him in two years and the first thing I did when I saw him again was rip him apart for his decisions. As if my decisions were any better. I felt a lump rise in my throat as Dan continued crying on the other end of the phone call.

The last time I'd heard Dan cry was a week before I left for uni two years ago. We were in my bed at my parents' house and I was holding him against my chest. He was crying hard, not a sweet cry or a cute cry or even a sad cry: it was the kind of violent sobbing you do when you're feeling so much pain that you can't contain it anymore. It just bursts out of you and it's raw and it's messy and it's heartbreaking.

"I c-can't," he said, burying his face in the crook of my neck.

"I know," I said, tightening my arms around him. I wanted to cry too, but I couldn't. I was too sad to cry.

"Do you have to leave?" he asked, his bloodshot brown eyes meeting mine.

"You know the answer to that," I sniffed, kissing the top of his head gently.

"I know, I just," he swallowed a sob, "I don't want to lose you."

"You don't have to," I said. I cupped his chin in my hands, "I'll be yours forever," It was more of a plea than a suggestion, but he shook his head.

"No you won't," he said, "You say that now, but-but you won't." He started crying again and I held him, rubbing his shoulders. "This-" he choked after a minute, "This is easier." Than-than the alternative."

It broke my heart, not just because he was crying, but because I knew that he really believed that. He wanted to break up because breaking up when you're still in love is easier than your boyfriend meeting someone else and breaking your heart. At least then you're breaking your own heart instead of giving someone else the opportunity.

He didn't trust me with his heart. Understandable, I guess.

"I'll miss you," I said, trying not to feel the pain which was filling my entire body.

"I'll miss you too," he said, "I'll call you ev-"

"No you won't," I interrupted him.

"What?" he asked, surprised.

"You can't call," I said, "I don't want to lose you. I want you to be mine forever Dan, but if you think we have to break up then we have to break up. If we ring each other every other day neither of us are ever going to move on."