N♂RMAL

04 | Confession

Mom made me spend the night in my own room—my own dorm room.

I looked down at my lap, nervous about what I should do next. I wasn't comfortable around Hunter yet. He was a cool, easy-going guy, but I wasn't completely comfortable around him. I had to tell him. Maybe he would be okay with it. I hoped he would be okay with it. My heart began beating rapidly in trepidation. I didn't know how he would react.

I don't know him.

Would he hurt me? Would he despise me? He would hurt me, right? I mean, that's what happens to people like me. You hear about it a lot, and I think it hurts more knowing that people would hurt me without knowing me whatsoever—scratch that, it hurt more knowing that people would hurt me for no reason whatsoever.

Hunter was in the showers at the moment. I needed to tell him tonight. Just in case. Mom was still in town, and I could stay at her hotel one more night if things went wrong here. I sniffled and smoothed my hands over my lap, hoping that it would steady my trembling fingers.

I heard the doorknob rattle, and I jumped. My senses were on high alert. I couldn't stop shaking. I didn't want to go into a panic attack now. Trying to keep the anxiety at bay, I kept playing with my fingers—combing them through my hair, tugging at the zipper on my sweatshirt, yanking at a loose thread on my jeans...

He entered the room as calm as ever, a towel wrapped around his shoulders. He had shorts on, but his shirt was absent, showing up a toned upper body. He wasn't very muscular, but he looked fit. He hung his towel on the towel rack that was bolted to one of the closet doors. His eyes even fell on me, and I could feel the concern reflecting in them.

"Carson, are you alright? You look pale."

I tugged at the loose thread again. "I have something to tell you."

He sat on his bed, which sat opposite of mine. He rested his elbows on his knees, leaning forward to let me know I had his full attention. I felt my throat grow tight. The little voice in my head was telling me to stay quiet, don't say a thing, he doesn't have to know, and other terrible things. I licked my lips nervously.

"What's wrong? You seem really freaked out."

"I—I..."

He didn't say anything, letting me create the words by myself. I sniffled and silently thanked him for his patience. I never had that kind of patience when dealing with people and they "had something to tell me."

"I'm transmale."

He blinked at me, and then a smile graced his face. "That's great, man."

I think my breath left me. I think my heart stopped. I think my eyes closed. I think I cried.

All I could feel was utter relief.

I could hear him stand and shuffle his way over to me. His heavy hand fell on my shoulder and rubbed it comfortingly. I couldn't help myself. I wrapped my arms around his waist and bawled into his naked stomach. My heart felt so light, and I just couldn't stop the tears leaking from my eyes.

"I've never voluntarily told someone other than my mom," I sobbed.

"Then I'm incredibly proud of you, Carson. You told me, almost a stranger."

"I thought you should know. I haven't been able to go through much transitioning, so you would have figured it out after my shower."

He seemed to think about that for a moment before realization dawned on him. "Oh, I get it."

I chuckled at his small tone. "Does it bother you?"

"Not at all. I think it's great. If you ever have any problems, feel free to come to me. I'm your roommate, but I'm also the RA on the floor. I'm here to be a resource to you."

I pulled away with an embarrassed sniffle and relieved laugh. "Thank you so much, Hunter."

"It's no problem."

The remainder of our night felt so easy going, so relaxed. We stayed up a little later than we should have talking about various things. He asked me questions to make sure he wouldn't do anything to accidentally offend me, and my heart melted a little at his kindness. I had even let him ask me about the binder I wore and my whole "coming out" story. In turn, he would tell me about himself. It varied from small things, like his favorite movie or his major, to large things, like different beliefs he had and his opinions on controversial matters.

At the end of the night, I curled up with my puppy Mister and turned out the lights on my side of the room. I let myself wonder if Hunter and I would have grown this close in one night had I been born male. I doubted it, but I was happy nonetheless. He had accepted me, and that was all that mattered.

With the lights turned down, I spoke quietly into the darkness.

"Will you be my friend?"

"Idiot," he chuckled. "I thought I already was."

I smiled into the top of Mister's head. "Thanks, Hunter."

"Thank you too."

I was confused by him repeating the phrase back but chose to ignore it instead. I had no idea what he could possibly be thanking me for.

"Good night."

"Night, Carson."

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