N♂RMAL

12 | Brave

I stared at him with a cacophony of emotions warring inside of me—sadness, relief, anger, happiness. I didn't know how to feel at all. My stomach was apparently feeling the effects of these crazy emotions. It was rolling and flipping every which way that it could. I felt like puking.

I scanned his face for any sort of malice or ill intent. Of course, I already knew that Hunter wasn't like that. My mixed emotions were impairing my vision of him. This attractive guy who happened to be my roommate was the kindest soul you could ever come across, and here I was, thinking that he was only doing this to hurt me in some way, shape, or form.

"You know that I don't actually see myself as a girl, right?"

It hurt admitting that I was, in fact, still physically a female. It had to be the only reason why he was asking me on a date. It had to be. He had a girlfriend before, and probably more before her. I had seen a picture of them kissing before. He was straight.

Right?

"I know, Carson." He started to look uncertain. He didn't look like the bright, happy puppy-like Hunter he had been just a minute prior. His hands were starting to fall, and he began twirling the single rose in his hands as if he was thinking about what he should do with it. "I just... I know it's only been a while since Jen and I broke up, but I think I really might like you and I want to try dating you."

"But I'm a guy, Hunter."

"I don't care." He sounded frustrated and hurt now. "If you don't want to, just say no, Carter. I understand."

"I want you to understand what you're actually asking for."

"I know what I'm asking for. I'm asking for the chance to get to know you more. I want to get to know you."

I looked down. This didn't make sense to me. Straight people don't just ask out transgender people like me. It's not normal. They don't think it's normal; hell, I don't even think it's normal. I rubbed the skin around my wrist, something I discovered to be a nervous habit of mine.

"What's your sexuality even?"

"Bi, but I tend to date more females than males. That's beside the point though."

I kept my eyes downcast. I wanted to say yes, so badly. Every little voice in my head was protesting the idea though. It was poisoning my mind with cruel thoughts that Hunter was just doing this for the fun of things, he was dared, he was just upset after the break up... They listed every little reason why Hunter wanted to go on a date with me, and none of them said that it was because he actually liked me.

There was nothing to like about me. I was quiet. I was—admittedly—a bit nerdy. I was pretty much socially awkward. I was constantly looking for affection. I read books more than I talked to people. I liked drawing more than I liked people most of the time, because people gave me anxiety attacks. I was overly emotional. On top of everything though, I was transmale, and dating was just...difficult.

I wasn't even masculine looking. I looked really feminine, and even with all of the daily outfit struggles, my face was still absurdly feminine and I felt like everyone could see the stupid curves that I tried so hard to hide. I felt like a freak. I felt gross, and I just wanted to scratch my skin off.

I didn't even know what my sexuality was. I felt like liking guys sometimes, but sometimes, I thought girls were really attractive too. I was thought that I could like either, but then I just never felt much attraction towards either in any significant way. With all of the ways that one could identify themselves now, it was overwhelming. I didn't know what to think anymore.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the rose fall to the side of his body, and I felt my heart tear a little. I didn't want him to think I wasn't interested—I definitely was—but I felt like we both needed to think about how things would be for the both of us. I couldn't waste any more time now. Hunter had already done his part in being brave; now it was my turn.

I touched his hand that held the rose. His skin felt so warm beneath mine, and I'm sure my fingers felt icy to the touch.

"Wait, yes."

I could just barely hear the hitch of his breath, and I was soon enveloped in a warm embrace. I cursed him for already knowing that I loved affection. However, all I could do was nuzzle myself into his chest. He was really warm. I just hoped that he couldn't feel my butterflies from our close proximity.