Life of Samcro (sons of anarchy)

41

Jax POV

I haven't left my bed since Mia walked out on me. I feel like I'm literally lost but I know exactly where I am. I just never thought she would walk out on me and take the kids with her. I have experienced pain , God I've been through shit but Mia leaving hurts much more.

I don't want to call because I know she won't pick up. I don't want to run after her because she needs time. She needs time to blow off , she needs time away from the man I've become .

I always promised her I would never be the asshole. On our wedding day I swore to never look at another women , never even think about one , yet I am the shit head that slept with fucking skanky Brianna . It honestly meant nothing . I didn't even look at her , I was just so pissed off that Mia was with Trevor constantly , even though he has a girlfriend , I was so angry. I know I shouldn't have done it , I knew at the time and during it all but I'm a huge fuck up.

I never wanted to hurt Mia , that was always the main goal , to never hurt the women I am so madly in love with but I done it anyway. I feel so horrible , I mean I honestly want someone to beat the shit out of me for hurting her but it still won't take the pain away from her .

I can't sleep because every time I close my dam eyes , I see her face . It also doesn't help that we have photos around the house of us all. Especially on our bedroom wall, right in my point of view is a photo of Mia , Michael , junior and myself . It was the day we signed over the adoption papers to Michael and I swear we have all never been happier , well I was happier when he first called me dad , I was so taken a back but it felt so right and I hugged him and cried for about 30 minutes because of the soppy shithead I've become.

I so badly want to call Mias mom to see how she is but Rhonda will shout and scream at me and I don't want that . I phoned Michael but he didn't say much, he is pissed at me for doing what I done, he hasn't said it but I can see it in his face, he's hurt about it all too . When he found out , he looked so disappointed, I honestly thought he was going to smack me but he just walked away.

I don't know how I'm going to make it up to Mia or the boys , I can't change what happened , I wish I could but I can't . I am and always will be a complete and utter asshole. I had the love of my life , I had my children but I threw that away because of jealousy . I mean who the fuck even does that, oh wait I fucking do it.

I so badly want Mia in my arms right now , just to hold her . I forget what's it's like to hug her or kiss her . I haven't done that since before I cheated . I forget what it is like to see her smiling without faking it, I also forget what it's like to see her happy . I haven't saw that in a few months. A few months she has been so low, so unhappy. She puts on a brave face but I know that she is hurting inside and it's killing me.

I wish I didn't change , I wish I stayed the same person I was before the accident but I couldn't . Not after what happened . Someone inside he club tried to kill members and I was so involved with finding out who done it that I didn't pay attention to my family . I wanted to so badly find out who done it and I found out and it tore me apart .

The night I found out , I saw Trevor and Mia walking down the street with Junior toddling along . I got so pissed off especially when Trevor hugged Mia and she hugged him back . That set me off. I didn't think I would have been the jealous type but by fuck I am . I went to the one person I knew wouldn't ask questions, Brianna . Which was a bad mistake . As soon as it happened I told Mia , I didn't want to lie to her , I didn't want her to find out from Brianna . I had to tell her .

I remember telling her , she didn't scream at me , she didn't cry, she hid her emotions . I wanted her to hit me or scream in my face but she just nodded her head and said 'you can sleep on the couch tonight, I'm exhausted and we will discuss it another time' and that discussion came about a few days ago . I dreaded it so much .

Flashback

"Why did you do it?" She asked not showing any emotion what so ever

"I saw you with Trevor and you two hugged and I was already so pissed off that , that set me off even more . I went to someone I knew wouldn't ask questions" I spoke ever so quietly

"Am I not good enough ? What does she have that I don't ? I only ask questions because I care about you Jax , I love you so much and I want to know what has upset you!"

"You are more than good enough. She doesn't have anything more than you, she's a piece of shit !" I said

"Do you know what it feels like? To have your heart shattered into a million pieces and pretend everything is okay . I didn't want to have this talk , never , not with you"

"All I can say is I'm sorry " I said apologising but I knew there was no hope

"I can do it anymore Jax . You are lying to often , you don't come home until the next morning. Junior never sees you anymore, Michael is hurt by what you done . All the nights I've been worried thinking you were with girls and having sex with them . The countless nights I haven't slept , the worries I have" and now she was crying

"I'm so sorry Mia , I don't know what else to say" which was so true

"What happened to you ? Where is Jackson Teller ? The boy I fell in love with. You haven't been the same since the accident and you weren't even involved. What happened that day that changed you ? I need to know!" She said

"I can't tell you what happened , I'm not even sure myself . Once it's out there , that's it , everyone knows"

"Then what are we doing ? Why are we in this horrible place ? I don't want to be like this. You've became the exact thing you didn't want to be and I don't think I can take you out of it Jax" and now I was scared

"No , don't say what you are going to say" I said

"I'm not going to say anything . I'm tired , I'm drained emotionally and mentally. I can't do it Jax , I can't" and with that she walked out of the club house

Flashback ended

I should have chased after her , just like I should have when she left me . I shouldn't have sat there like a big baby . I just don't know if I'm what she deserves . She needs more than me and what I can give her . She deserves someone like Trevor . She deserves to be happy and right now I don't know of that's what I can give her.