Life of Samcro (sons of anarchy)

42

One horrible week , one long ass week that has been the worst of my life . I keep hoping to wake up and for this to all be a dream , to wake up in jax's arms but it's reality and it's slowly breaking me . I never knew heartbreak felt so bad , I thought everyone exaggerated but by fuck does it hurt .

I haven't turned my phone on in the past three days . Most of the guys have phoned the house , mainly to talk to my dad to see how he is doing , they have also asked for me but I can't talk to anyone . They will hear how hurt I am and go back and tell Jax .

I've spent most of the week sitting with my dad as my mom worked . Michael has been great with Junior and kept him occupied . I haven't shut the kids out , they are the only two people keeping me from breaking .

"How are you today?" My dad asked

"The same, how about you?" I asked as I helped him to sit in his chair

"I'm a little better today, mentally. I'm not sulking , wishing I could be out on my bike" he said

The accident was so horrible . My dad , Opie and Zac were involved . All I know is they were scheduled to do a drop off , clay told them to take a short cut and a truck blocked them , causing Opie to crash first. Then a car came up behind my dad and the same to Zac . I remember rushing from work to the hospital . I was terrified .

My dad and Opie were rushed to theatre. Zac was okay, he got a broken arm . Opie was in a coma for about a week , he also had a broken leg , a bleed in his chest . My dad got it the worst a though. My dad had to have his leg amputated , he lost sight in his left eye and suffered hearing loss , which meant he couldn't ride again.

It tore my dad apart. His life was all about bikes, all about sons of anarchy but he had to leave, he had to give it up. The club was so lost without my dad for a while , my dad didn't want to see any of the guys so he hid away in the house for a month, then decided to leave charming .

That was the biggest shock of all , my dad wanting to leave. I never saw it coming , I thought he would still be around the club but it was driving him insane that he couldn't ride along with them all .

"I can't imagine how hard it is" I said as I sat beside him

"It's hard . To go all your life riding to then be taken from it. I thought riding would kill me, it did mentally " my dad said as he turned on the tv

"You had fun while it lasted" I said handing him his glasses

***

I've sat looking at my phone for the past hour . I have 400 missed calls from Jax and god knows how many text messages . I want to call him , to just hear his voice but I can't be the one that runs back to him. If he loves me , he will show me.

I know he is probably hurting as bad as I am right now. I know he is angry and pissed that I left but I'm angry and pissed that he slept with another women. I will get over that , I know I will. I know that it's easy to forgive him but in all honesty he has been a completely different person , he has been so weird and so arrogant . He never comes home , he doesn't spend time with the boys. It's strange , I know he knows something that we don't and he isn't telling anyone but I want him to tell me and believe I can help him .

If someone told me when I was 18 , that about 6/7 years down the line that I would be married to Jax Teller , I would have a child with him and another one through adoption and that I would have my dream job , I would have told you that it was a load of bullshit but now I'm here and I couldn't imagine being with anyone else and doing anything else.

The only thing stopping me from getting in my car and going to see Jax is that he cheated on me. Not even that long ago and the ache is still there . I knew about 6 months ago I was losing him. A little before the accident , he was off and he started acting weird , with me , with Gemma and with the club and especially Clay . Then when the accident happened he got so much worse. He was no longer the man I fell in love with , he was different . He just looked exhausted , he was drinking more , he was staying out more . I think I have slept in a bed with him 3 times since the accident. Normally in the morning he would kiss me and junior and do a funny handshake with Michael but that stopped. He stopped eating with us . He stopped everything all because of something that happened that I don't even know about !

I want to go back to him for the sake of the kids but I think this is a good decision I have made to leave him alone for a while , make him realise what he had lost and maybe it might bring back Jax Teller . He needs time on his own , without us being there . He needs time to consider what he is becoming and he needs to snap out of it.

I just hope that we can one day be together , with no one else having their say in our relationship , like it was when it started. Someone has brainwashed Jax into a horrible man and I've got a feeling of who it might be.

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I hate writing chapters without Jax and Mia together ! Literally makes me so sad :(