Having Harry's Baby

There To Hold Me

   The following day, Harry showed up at my door at almost five in the morning. I heard the knocking loud and clear from my bed in the living room. My apartment didn't have rooms, except for the bathroom.
   I sat up drowsily, staring at my cellphone angrily to find what time it was. I then wrapped the covers around myself and unlocked the door. I slowly opened it so that the loud creaking sound wouldn't be too audible.
   "Good morning, love," he says, slipping in past me.
   "It's too early for this, Harry. What are you doing here?"
   I watched him sit down on the sofa by my bed and run his fingers through his hair. "Well, you see, I couldn't sleep. I just laid there in my bed thinking about all the ways this could play out. But then I got to thinking: we don't know a thing about each other. And well, I feel like I should at least know my baby's mother's full name."
   "At five in the morning."
   He smiled nervously. "Is it that early?"
   I nodded. "Yes, it's that early, Harry."
   His eyes looked sad when they met mine. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you."
   I sighed, trying to be as nice as I possibly could. This couldn't be easy on him. And he was trying to be a decent guy. "Hazel Porter."
   The corners of his lips rose a little, then dropped. "We can do this later. I'll come back."
   "You're already here," I said, following his gaze when it dropped.
   His amused expression made me wonder what he was thinking, but I was almost sure that I knew he was looking at my Winnie the Pooh pajama pants and Star Wars shirt. "I wasn't expecting anybody," I clarified.
   His smile was back when his eyes reached mine once more. "What're you doing later?" He asked.
   I felt almost naked standing before him. It was strange the way his eyes fixed themselves on me and didn't leave.
   "It's Sunday. I don't work today. So I wasn't planning on anything."
   "How about a Star Wars marathon?"
   I nodded, feeling a lot more tired than I thought. It sounded like a good idea. "Yeah. Sounds good."
   His eyes squinted faintly before widening again. "You're tired. I'll go now. And then I'll come back and we'll have that marathon."
   He was always so on edge. It didn't understand him. He was kind. He was trying, was my conclusion.
   I took a sharp breath in as I sat on the edge of my bed. "You can stay. You're already here."
   "You should sleep, Hazel. It's okay," he smiled, standing up from his sitting position on the sofa.
   "Stay with me, Harry. It's okay. We've already... you know."
   His jaw dropped a little before he composed himself and smiled. "I'll stay on the sofa."
I didn't argue any further with him. I didn't exactly want him on my bed, though. He already knocked me up. I didn't want the temptation so close. He was still Harry and he was still extremely attractive. And I was still horny. Maybe I do want him in my bed.
   I went back to lock the door. From the corner of my eye I could see him watching me. I turned the bolt until it clicked in place and then the actual lock on the doorknob. I never left the door unlocked. It wasn't safe. I figured that with the attack from that first night with Harry.
   His smirk was noticeable. "You don't feel safe with me here already?" He asked.
   I turned my head to see him, my right eyebrow instinctively raised.
   Harry had a way of making me feel safe. That was true. But I wasn't about to let him know that I needed him in any way. I'd been perfectly fine on my own for as long as I could remember. But the longer I stood there, and the longer he stood there, made me feel like I wanted him closer. Not to protect me from men hiding behind dumpsters wielding knives, but to make me feel as good as I had that night.
   My eyes wandered down his body and then back up, signaling as well as I could that I wanted him closer. Because I did. I could feel his hesitation, though.
   "It's okay," I tell him. I knew we were on the same page. He knew what I wanted. And I was sure he wanted the same. Something was holding him back.
   Harry walks closer to me, his hands resting on my sides. "We shouldn't."
   "Why not?"
   He sighs. "I don't want to hurt you. Or the baby."
   I smiled up at him and weaved my fingers through his hair. "You won't." I gently brought him down to me and brushed my lips against his. "It's okay."
   I felt him stiffen under my touch, his hands gripping onto me and his eyes shut tight. "Hazel..." He said, almost a plea. I didn't know whether it was for me to continue or to stop.
    Because my apartment was so small, it only took about two steps before we knocked into the kitchen counter.
   But his eyes were worried. Afraid. "I don't know."
   I took his hand in mine. "Do you want me?" I asked him, my eyes never leaving his.
  He nodded once.
   "And I want you. That's all you need to know."
   I felt like a was the bad guy, forcing an innocent boy to sleep with me. But Harry wasn't innocent. He proved that to me the night we spent together. And I wasn't about to start acting like a saint, either.
   I pulled him by his collar and kissed him hungrily. That was all it took to have him put his guard down.

   It took maybe thirty minutes for us to feel completely exhausted. I held onto Harry as if my life depended on it, too tired to even pry myself away from him.
   "Are you alright?" Harry asked, his hands running up and down my back. I didn't know whether he meant it to be soothing or not, but it felt that way. It made me wish that neither of us had still been wearing our shirts.
   I pressed my cheek against his chest and nodded a few times, my eyes threatening to close. I hadn't even felt this tired that night in Harry's car.
   He ran his right hand through my hair and kissed the top of my head gingerly. "Do you feel alright?"
   "I'm okay, Harry. I'm tired," I explained. I wondered if I'd ever be able to convince him that I'm actually fine. That he can't hurt me.
   Harry brought my arms around his neck. "Hold on to me." He picked me up by the waist and carried me back toward the bed.
   I reached toward the side table and grabbed a new pair of underwear to slip on and then watched him pull on his boxers. Once his eyes met mine again, he smiled shyly. I patted the bed next to me, signaling him to lay down. We'd already done it. He might as well sleep on my bed.
   He didn't hesitate to climb in with me and wrap his arm around me so that we were spooning. "Is that alright?"
   I swallowed hard. Was it okay? It felt so close. So intimate and real.
   "Yeah," I lied. I didn't want Harry to think that this was anything more than it was. We had sex. I got pregnant. I didn't need his help for anything. He was a cool guy. That was true. But that had to be it. I liked sleeping with him because he was good at it. I didn't want a relationship with him. The spooning felt like a commitment, almost. His touch burned me, probably because I wanted him. But there was something else. It felt warm because it was a warm gesture. I don't do warm.
   I let him hold me anyway, just because I was afraid of him feeling misplaced or hurt. I found myself placing my hand over his. I wanted to know what it felt like to be a normal person; to want what other people want. To want heated and real all at once. His fingers felt warm, too. And I touched each of them more than once, just to know what it was like to hold something that belonged to someone else in a way that wasn't sexual. This is what people do when they like each other. When they love each other.
   Harry's breathing became more shallow and I knew that he was asleep.
   Why aren't I normal? Why does everything have to be so complicated with me? It wasn't until that moment, when Harry's arm was circling around me, that I could feel the heat from his chest and stomach across my back, that I realized what was really happening. I'm having this man's baby. I'm not in love with him. I don't even know him. Everything's changing. And I'm not ready.
   I couldn't help the tears that fell from my eyes, across the bridge of my nose and down onto my pillow. I felt as though I was falling apart. My stomach began to vibrate once I couldn't control my crying. I tried being quiet, as to not wake Harry, but it was getting hard. I never cried, but when I did, I cried.
   Harry pulled me closer to him protectively. "Hazel?"
   I sucked in a deep breath, not knowing he was awake. I didn't want him to see me that way. He didn't need to know.
   He sat up so that he could look at me. I wiped away the tears staining my face, but I was sure he'd seen them already.
   But somehow he wasn't looking at me as if he were worried or confused. He looked at me as though he understood me, why I was crying. So he didn't have to ask what was the matter. "It's going to be okay. I'm here."
   I turned my head so that I could see his face, no longer caring that I was still crying. "I've never needed anybody."
   "I know you don't need me. You don't need anybody, sweetheart. But I'm going to be here regardless. I won't leave you to it alone."
   I turned by body over so that I was facing him completely, feeling like a lost child. I didn't know what to say to him.
   Harry laid back down so that he was face level with me and then he wrapped his arms around me protectively. "It's okay to need somebody sometimes. Even if it's only to hold you."
   I didn't know how or why, but I let my guard down for that moment and I let myself hug him. Because I did need the comfort. Because I was terrified. And because he was there to hold me.