Having Harry's Baby

And It's Beautiful

The following few days were torturous, a mix of work and nausea and Harry. If he didn't show up, he'd call and keep tabs from wherever he was. 

   It wasn't always as strange as it had been before. But sometimes there was that tension between us. I didn't want to get close to Harry and he knew it. And didn't care.
   I had to come clean at work. My supervisor wasn't too thrilled, but thanks to the law, I couldn't be fired because I was pregnant. I was sure that Harry was hoping I would, though.
   Though his suggestions about how I'm living my life were usually ignored, he did, however, manage to get me to agree to a doctors appointment to find out how our baby was doing.
   I insisted we meet there. He insisted on driving me there. Harry's pushy. So I ended up sitting in his passenger's seat once again.
   The drive there was silent. I turned on the radio and tried focusing on the songs gently playing in the background. My eyes kept roaming toward Harry, though. The way he held onto the steering wheel was as though he were tense. His eyes were so trained on the road that I didn't think he even had room for another train of thought.
   "Harry, calm down. It's just a check-up," I tell him, already feeling myself roll my eyes at him.
   He takes a sharp breath in. "I know. I'm sorry... I don't know. I guess I'm nervous."
   I play with my fingers so that I don't keep looking at him. "Nervous that our baby's going to have two heads or something? Chill."
   I hear him chuckle. "No. About a lot of things, I guess. What the doctor will say, mostly. What's going to happen. How this is going to work out. When the baby's born... Just having you in my car has got me nervous."
   My eyebrows pull together. All of these things he worries about have hardly even crossed my mind. Mostly because I don't let them. I don't want to think about all the things that would make me feel worried or tense. Everyone has babies. It's normal. It happens.
   I don't say anything to him, partly because I don't know how to calm him and the other part because I didn't think that I could have. So I sat quietly, patiently, until we reached the doctor's office. I jumped out of the car quickly and shut the door behind me carefully.
   Harry walked with me to the door and opened it for me. We walked toward the counter together, my steps feeling more and more unsure as we approached. The feeling's contagious. Now I'm nervous.
   We confirmed our appointment with the receptionist and sat for about ten minutes before they called my name. I stood quickly, trying to shake off all of my insecurities and unsure feelings. Harry didn't stand so quickly, so I looked down on him expectantly.
   "Are you coming?" I ask him. Though I tried to act as though I didn't care, I knew deep down that I needed him to move. I needed Harry to stand and walk with me. Because the fear was running down my spine and I couldn't walk in there alone. "Harry?"
   He looked up and me and nodded. When he stood, he held himself straight. I couldn't do the same. I was shaking. And he noticed. As we walked Harry's hand snaked around my waist gently, reassuringly. He held me close and I held onto him, needing him to keep myself upright.
   "Good morning, Hazel," the doctor greets as she sees us walk in. "My name is Doctor Grant. I'll be performing a quick sonogram to see how your baby's doing. If you'll lay down over on that table, we can get started."
   She was quick and to the point. At that moment, that wasn't at all what I needed. I needed time to adjust to my surroundings. I needed her to tell me everything was going to be fine. But she was all business.
   Harry guided me toward the cushioned table and helped me onto it gently. Before I knew it, Doctor Grant had risen my shirt under my bra and squirted a gel much too cold onto my skin. I shivered as she pushed it around, pressing hard against me, trying to get a good picture.
   Everything's quiet except for the sounds coming from the machine. I felt like I couldn't breathe for every second that she didn't find what she was looking for. I hated the way her eyebrows pulled together, questioning, doubting whether there actually was a baby in there.
   She smiles when she finally finds a heartbeat. And I'm able to breathe again. I notice that Harry did too. "There's the heartbeat. It's too early to tell the gender, but your baby seems to be perfectly fine."
   I nod once, unable to hang onto any of her words because I was so immersed in the sound of my baby's heartbeat. It was a steady, strong rhythm that kept me enchanted. Tears sprung to my eyes. When she's done and I can't hear my baby's heart beating anymore. I feel almost disappointed when it's over.
   I look at Harry who's smiling now. Relieved that everything was fine. He smiles down at me and wipes the single tear falling from my eye.
   The doctor hands me a dry napkin to clean off with and I do the best that I can. She doesn't say much afterward, besides telling us the date of our next appointment. I ignore her, though. I didn't exactly want a following appointment with her so much.
   Harry and I walked silently to the car.
   He opens my door for me and closes it behind me before going round to his side and getting in. "I'm feeling much better.
   I smile. "Same."
   "Are you hungry? It's almost lunch time."
I didn't have to think twice before answering. "Yeah. I could eat."
   I see him smile and I notice that I'm feeling happy too. Also, he's beautiful when he smiles.
   As Harry drives, I recognize a song come on the radio. I'm so happy that I don't care about singing out loud. And I sing along. "When I first saw you from across the room I could tell that you were curious. Girl I hope you're sure what you're looking for, 'cause I'm not good at making promises."
   I hear Harry cut in. "But if you like causing trouble up in hotel rooms..." And he sounds just like the voice on the radio. "And if you like having secret little rendezvous. If you like to do the things you know that we shouldn't do, baby I'm perfect. Baby I'm perfect for you."
   I'm shocked when he looks me straight on and winks. This cocky mother-effer.
   "It's your song," I say matter-of-factly. I felt stupid that I hadn't realized that before. Of course it's his song.
   He smiles and finishes the verse. "You have a nice voice," he tells me, ignoring my comment.
   I scoff. "Sure."
   We both laugh, enjoying each other's company and singing the song together. It felt like happiness. And it was real. Almost tangible.
   But it was short-lived, because just a few seconds after the song ended, as we drove past an intersection, neither Harry nor I saw the car coming from the opposite direction, invading our lane. Harry stepped on the brakes and reached his arm over to try to hold me back. But it was so fast and neither of us saw it coming. The cars hit head on.
   It felt like a lot of pain. The worst was not knowing exactly what I was feeling or where. All I knew was that my head was throbbing and that I was holding Harry's hand. He was bleeding and I knew that I was, too.
   "Hazel," he'd call, over and over again. But I knew that he couldn't move and that I couldn't move and that we were stuck in that vehicle. "I'm almost out. I'm going to get you out of this. Say something, please."
   But I couldn't because everything was so far gone. I was so far gone. And the pain was there and I was biting back my tears.
   The car shook as Harry freed himself. He was hovering over me now. "Hey, you're okay," he says, holding my face in his hand as he tries to pry me out gently. "You're okay. It's okay."
   I can't say anything to him, no matter how much I wanted to. So instead I close my eyes.
   "Sweetheart, please," he begged. I felt his movements become more urgent.
   I still see his face when I go under. And it's beautiful.