Visionaries

twelve

//TWELVE//

I take slow steps onto the train whilst trying to give meaning to the butterflies in my stomach; trying to make sense out of the constant smile that I cannot wipe off my face. I try understand why every romantic movie I've ever seen has come rushing in my mind and that I have found myself comparing us to them.

Us.

I see an 'us' to begin with. I see us together. I think I also want us to be together, but at what cost?

We cannot work. We want different things. We have completely different lives. I'm not ready to feel heartbreak when I've felt this lovely feeling after such a long time.

I sit in my respective seat and look out the window. I connect my earphones to my phone. I choose my favourite song of the moment and put my earphones in.

The music sways me to another world. With every bass note, I'm reminded of the lows of our relationship. I think about every rocky moment between Darius and I.

That first day we met, I acted like I hated him, but I admit that I was extremely intrigued. I wanted us to end up falling into this together.

It was like the end of a song you don't know. The song has million views, you're not the biggest fan of the beginning, but you still listen hoping that eventually, you'll like it.

Darius was that song.

And I eventually did like him.

My lash-out at him after breaking into his father's mansion. It was senseless and childish. It was like a bass note while the music is fading away: not worth listening to.

I can still smell the dust and whiskey and sometimes, at my worst moments, I feel as confined as I did in that closet and as naïve as I was that night.

Our fight on the bench is the last thing that comes to mind. With every inch of his body, he did nothing, but try to keep himself from lashing out. There were signs of trembling control on every part of him. He was like a vibratto that's been playing too long.

When he finally admitted to his act, when he confessed that he truly does care about me, I suddenly forgot where I was going and what the fight started out as. Now, the fight was, to me, two people that care too much about each other to be in this situation together. At that moment, the music stopped and lyrics went on.

The song changes and with this up-beat music come all the great memories.

As I watch the rapid water course under the bridge, I try to think about what I consider great moments. Everytime we weren't fighting was great for me.

Our talk by the water at the university, eating chinese take-out with Cass on my bed, meeting his family, our walk to the train station. Everything that was even a bit meaningful, I enjoyed and everything that didn't terrify me, I thought of as great.

Relationships always start out great. But we're only human and we end up ruining everything. Groups of people as much as individuals blame everything on circumstance and not on actions.

A pretty young blonde passes by my seat probably heading towards the bathroom. All I can think about is Cass.

I miss that little loser's face. I need excitement and distractions right now, but she's not here and all I can do is think about her and Darius.

I just want to get there as soon as possible. I don't want to think so much anymore.

***

I imagine how this had to go and how I needed it to go.

I'll get off the train carefully and make my way to the car waiting for me. The driver will then take me towards the house as they prepare Cass and get her out. The two cars will cross paths so I can make sure that Cass is indeed on her way to safety. They'll put her on a train and she'll be picked up by Darius and Cyrus. If she's not there when the train arrives, all hell will then break loose and the boys will track me.