Don't You Think That I'm A Runner?

No, Please Don't

As I was driving away from our - well, Mark's - house, a thought that hadn't crossed my mind in years sudden came flooding back. Drugs.

Mark was the one who got me off of drugs. And now he was the one who made me think about using again. What was I supposed to do without him to talk to about this? I didn't have anyone else to go to about this problem.

My mind immediately went to its biggest defense - to shut itself off. Block the pain. Numb yourself. I knew how stupid it was to even think about getting involved in that shit again. I could easily spiral and this time I wouldn't have some guy coming to the rescue. But I was freaking out. I was all alone. I didn't have any family. I didn't have any friends that weren't Mark's friends too. Fuck, now I didn't even have a place to live. I don't have a fucking job. Mark took care of me financially. What in the hell was I going to do??

I drove around forever, trying to calm myself down and stop crying. Trying to come up with a plan. I really didn't want to tell any of our mutual friends what happened. I didn't want anyone to know I got dumped and actually telling someone meant that it was serious enough to be real. I had hope in the back of my mind that this was just a temporary phase for Mark and he would call any minute to say he was sorry and he didn't mean it. 

I ended up parking and sitting in my car for two hours before I realized that Mark really wasn't going to call. I kept checking my service and turning my phone on and off, but it was working fine. There just weren't any messages. The only person I could think to call was Ponsi. And I had to sit there and psych myself up to do it while my mind was coming up with every excuse not to.

I kept telling myself that he was the first one of Mark's friends that I ever met. I was definitely closest to him out of everyone. He had seen me on one of my worst nights and he never judged me or told anyone about it. I knew he would understand why I would come to him and he would help me in any way he could. I knew that he was actually my friend too and not just friends with me by association because I was Mark's girlfriend. 

As soon as he heard me say "hi" on the phone, he could tell that something was wrong. My nose was stuffed up from crying but I was also sniffling. 

"What's wrong?" He asked immediately. 

I took a deep breath. "Mark...he broke up with me." There was a pause.

"What? Like for real? Did you guys have a fight or something?"

"No. I don't know where to go. Will you get a drink with me or something?"

"Sure, yeah," he said without any hesitation. "Just tell me where to meet you." 

I suggested a little hole in the wall bar that was close to both of us and hung up. I had finally gotten myself to stop crying, but I knew my eyes were a little bit swollen and bright red. But I couldn't have cared less what I looked like. I just wanted to distract myself and have someone to talk to so I didn't feel so alone. I was praying that Ponsi would have a plan for me. 

When I got inside, I sat down in a booth that was in the far corner and away from the bar lights. There were only a couple of other people in the bar and they weren't sitting anywhere in the immediate area. Ponsi showed up only a couple of minutes after I got there. I loved him for dropping whatever he was doing and getting here as soon as I needed him to. Without any question. He went up to the bar to bring some beer back and asked me what happened. As I explained it all to him, he just stared in disbelief and kept shaking his head.

"Wow. I don't understand. Mark loves you so much. Do you want me to try to talk to him?"

I shook my head, "No, please don't."

"Well...what are you going to do? You live with him. And you don't have any income."

"I know. I'm freaking out, I don't know what to do." I felt tears stinging my eyes again and quickly wiped them away.

"I mean, you're welcome to stay at my place."

"Really?" 

"Sure. I'm at Paula's house most nights anyway." That was his girlfriend.

"Oh my God, thank you so much Pons."

"BUT," he pointed a finger at me sternly, "you have got to get a job and support yourself. Save for your own place. Pay for your own food. Okay?"

"Of course. I promise." 

Mark told me I didn't have to move out, but I knew that I did. It would be way too hard if I stayed at his house. And I knew that he just felt guilty because he knew I didn't have anyone else. When I told him I was staying at Ponsi's, he was a little indifferent about it. But I assured him it was only temporary until I was able to get my own place. In my mind I was thinking that hopefully it would only be temporary until he got whatever it was out of his system and realized he wanted to be with me again. 

He insisted on helping me move my stuff into Ponsi's, which was a little awkward. But I would rather have him being nice and being on good terms with me instead of giving me the cold shoulder. I probably couldn't have handled it if he had just cut off all contact with me. But I did ask him not to hang around at Ponsi's and he agreed as long as I promised him that I wouldn't do anything stupid (drugs). 

I missed Mark so incredibly bad, but I tried to play it cool and keep my distance. I thought that if I gave him space, he would want to come back to me quicker. I never called or texted him. But he called or texted me every day. I know I probably should have ignored him, at least for a little while, but I just couldn't. He was my family. I didn't want to not talk to him everyday, even if it made it harder on me.

And it was hard to act like we were just "friends." The fact that he seemed completely fine with it made it worse. We never once talked about getting back together or talked about anything to do with "us." I never asked him if he was seeing anyone new, and he never mentioned it. I didn't want to know if he was. Ignorance was bliss for me.

He asked me a couple of times if I wanted to grab coffee or lunch, but I told him no. I didn't trust myself to keep my cool if I saw him. So instead we just texted and talked on the phone for about two months after we broke up. And then he went to travel and we didn't talk anymore. 

The only thing that kept me sane while I went months without talking to him was the hope that when he came back, he would be in another state of mind. He would see everything differently. He would feel satisfied about traveling and miss me and we would get back together. He probably just needed a break to clear his head and then it would all go back to normal. So I just waited patiently. And waited. And waited.

And then one day when Ponsi was home and Isom came over, Isom accidentally let it slip that Mark had a girlfriend. And I found out too that he had been back in California for almost a month. I couldn't put on an act anymore. I flipped the fuck out and grabbed my phone to call him.

As soon as he answered, I went off. "Were you just not going to tell me that you were back home?! And that you have a fucking girlfriend!? How long have you had a girlfriend??"

There was silence other end. I had taken him off guard. "Listen, Chlo...I'm really sorry. I didn't expect this to happen..." he trailed off. 

I didn't need to hear anything else. "Okay. Well thank you so much for being honest with me," I said sarcastically and hung up.