Don't You Think That I'm A Runner?

Working On It

The next time Mason spoke to me, he told me that he needed some time to think about what had happened. My usual defense is to run away from my problems, but I made myself stay instead of running back over to Ponsi's. It was so fragile between me and Mason that I felt like any move I made could completely shatter any hope of ever working things out. 

I was surprised and put off when I didn't hear from Mark at all after we slept together. He acted like he regretted ever breaking up with me. So why wasn't he trying to get me back now? I kind of thought that was what was going to happen. But neither guy was making a move to do anything. Mason wasn't throwing me out and Mark wasn't chasing me. 

I wasn't about to do anything and risk making it all worse. I knew I needed to be patient and just see how it all played out. I needed some time to think, too. I mean, what would I do if Mason forgave me gave me another chance? What would I do if Mark did tell me he wanted to get back together? What if neither of them wanted anything to do with me anymore? 

I loved them both. Mason had been wonderful to me from day 1. He was consistent and reliable and I had security with him. We had never had problems until now. It was easy with him. With Mark, he had hurt me. He had completely blindsided me and left me out of nowhere. And then moved on to the next one. Even if we did get back together, could I fully trust him again? Would I forever have trust issues now when he was gone on the road? He was trouble for me now and I was playing with fire when it came to him. But I couldn't deny my feelings for him and I couldn't see them ever going away. 

I waited anxiously for days. I was walking on eggshells and a ball of nervous energy. I didn't know how much longer I could take not knowing what was going to happen. I was bursting at the seams and shaking in my boots. And then Mason came to talk to me.

I was shocked when he said that he didn't want to leave me. I wasn't totally forgiven and off the hook though. He told me he was still apprehensive and not ready to completely put down his walls around me again. Which I absolutely understood. He told me he wanted me to continue staying at his house and he wanted to see how things went. He wanted to work through this issue, he just wasn't 100% hopeful that it could be done. Again, understandable.

I was just thankful that he was willing to try. I didn't deserve a second chance. But I gratefully accepted his offer and vowed to work my hardest at our relationship. I vowed not to have any contact with Mark again. I found myself relieved that he hadn't contacted me after we had sex. If he would have, I didn't know if I would have been able to ignore him. It was better this way. 

A few weeks went by where everything was good. I had hope that we were getting back to normal. And then Ponsi texted me. He told me that everyone was getting together for his birthday and he wanted me to come. I asked him if Mark was going to be there. He told me he didn't know for sure but that he had invited him. I told him I wasn't sure if it was a good idea and then I told Mason about it.

And Mason told me I should go. He said that he didn't want me to feel like I couldn't see my friends. And since it was a big dinner with a lot of people in a public restaurant, he wasn't too worried if Mark showed up. I invited Mason to come with me, but he thought it might make it awkward for everyone else. And he also said that it could be like a test. He needed to learn to trust me again.

So I went. I was nervous but excited to see everyone. It made me sad to be somewhat excluded from the group when Mark and I split up. Plus, this was a good challenge for me. If Mark did show up, I wanted to prove to myself that I could be friendly and chill around him. I had to stop feeling emotional every time I saw him.