The Besotted

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You know that thing life does where instead of giving you shit one at a time, it throws all the shit to the fan and has you do with that what you will... that thing? That's what makes people kill themselves.

That's what has me on Vivid's bed with my forehead on my knees and my arms around my head to keep my brain from exploding all over the guy's room.

I don't even know how I ended up in this position, Vivid started talking, and I started feeling my head get heavier and heavier.

He is still yapping on, and I just want the ground to swallow me whole. I just want to disappear for a while just until I start feeling like I am present in my own body.

Right now, I feel like I'm just floating around blindly in here, I'm not in control of anything, and there's nothing I can do about it

Man, I went to great lengths to avoid this exact situation I'm in. I studied so hard and worked my ass off through high school and graduated college summa cum laude. I didn't party, didn't date, Vivid was the only guy I hung out with because I didn't want to end up like this.

I turned down men who could've helped my family and made life easier for me. I turned down established men, rich men, men with proper intentions because I was scared of being someone's broke baby mama, still stuck in the slums.

I swear I tried to do everything right, I tried to do everything by the book... I don't know anymore.

"Are you listening Imani?" Vivid asks from somewhere in his room..

I nod but I don't lift my head up because I'm scared of the burning in my eyes-- that's two days now that my eyes have come close to brimming with tears.

"I'm sorry, I didn't call. I got mugged in Maftown but I need you to know though that this is not my plan and I don't agree with any of it," His voice is more of a fading echo now.

I took the taxi to his section and got off by him as promised and sneaked into the backroom where he sleeps.

I know which windows to avoid, which door is loud and who chills where. I can't count the many nights I spent in here when Mam'Ntombi was at work or later when she thought that I was. at work.

I didn't feel safe spending the night alone at home with Sphe who was just a kid so we would sneak in here.

It's still not safe with it just being my mom and I living there but what can you do? Crime is everywhere and I couldn't take chances with my baby so I had to trust her dad with keeping her safe in ways that I can't.

If I had an any idea that any of this would be the result of it all then I... probably would've still made the same decision. She's only 2 years old. She's not involved in the adult politics and drama.

"I hear that but I don't hear the part where you actually tell them that. I'm not the one who needs to say it," I finally lift my head, my knees were starting to shake under the pressure.

"Come on, you know it's not that simple Ima..."

They have this practice where the families, the uncles and aunts can just meet and pay ilobolo for the kids to the mom's family then the kids change their surname and go stay with the father's family.