Forever Yours, Sunshine.

Chapter Nine.

The posters are up. "One week until the festival!", they shout. My heart tightens as each day goes on, the thought of Calvin leaving becoming more dominant. He keeps a smile on his face, but he acts like nothing is about to happen. He acts like there's nothing in the world to worry about.

But there is.

I won't talk to Sammy about how I feel. She'll just discourage me from what I'm about to do. She won't understand that this is something I have to do. I can't keep living in this paranoia, in this heartbreak. If I cut him off, I'll be safer, and I'll know where my heart is.

It won't be with someone two states away. It'll be right here, safe and sound.

There are still the thoughts of No! You love him, you love him! Don't let him get away! He promised!

Yeah, but sometimes, a promise isn't always kept.

I'm afraid of losing him, and I'm afraid of keeping him. There's no simple explanation for anything, and I don't even know what to say. I never know what to say to myself.

Calvin's face pops in my head, and my heart yearns for him, to be loved by him. But how? How can he love me from so far away? We've only known each other this summer, is it enough for him to continue loving me from Columbus? I know it's enough for me, but I just don't know. I don't know.

I can't take this any longer. I have to talk to him. Sighing, my breath catching on an unformed sob, I know I've made my decision.

:)                                     :)

"Hey baby, I got your text to meet you here. What's up?" Calvin says cheerily. I have asked him to meet me in the cave, where I first knew I wanted him. It's just as beautiful as it was that day. But nothing is as beautiful as the boy, excuse me, man that just walked in.

"I just... I needed to talk to you about something... Very important," I manage to choke out those simple, yet completely complicated words.

Calvin stops dead in his tracks, fear flitting across his face in raw emotion. "What's wrong?"

I take a deep breath, and the tears are welling up in my eyes. I can't look at him. I just can't. Whatever I'm about to do, I just can't look at him while doing it.

"Calvin, in about two to three weeks, you will be leaving for Columbus, leaving this little town of Riverton behind. And I, I don't know if I can deal with that. My heart..." I trail off. Calvin looks like he's been punched in the stomach, and he wipes at his eye quickly.

"Are you... Are you breaking up with me?" he says, trying to sound calm, but the break in his voice gives away his feelings. Gosh, I just can't do this.

But I have to. Right?

"I just... Calvin, I love you, but I don't know if I can handle you being away for so long. Please understand, Calvin, I just can't."

Calvin starts pacing angrily, hurt and confusion exploding in every single feature of his face. He throws his hands up in the air, opens his mouth, closes it, and then finally looks at me. "Sunshine, you knew from the beginning I had to go. I told you, we can make this work! I love you, Sun, please don't do this to me!" He falls down on his knees, looking up into my eyes with his radiant green ones. "I can't lose you. I'll write, I'll visit, I'll do anything I have to, just to keep you!"

I'm crying now. "Calvin, you won't love me anymore, not when you go back. You'll meet someone new, and you'll completely forget about ever even meeting me."

He gets up off the ground, pulls at his hair, trying to choke back tears. He's... Crying? "You see, Sunshine, that's the thing. I will never be able to forget you. No one else even comes close to comparing to you! Sun, I know I've only known you this summer," he whimpers, "but I feel like I've known you all my life. You know everything about me. I can't lose you, please!"

I start to walk away, and he panics. "Sun!" he yells.

I turn my head slowly, barely able to get these words out through my sobs. "Calvin, I love you, and I can't lose you either. That's why I'm letting you go."

Without waiting for a reply, I'm out of there. I run so fast, and the only thing I hear his Calvin growl, and then a huge splash of water. Tears streaming down my face, the full realization of what just happened hits me: I broke up with Calvin Daniels, the love of my life, so I wouldn't have to lose him. Now, I'm not sure how that makes sense to me, but in my mind it just does. It just does.

:)                                                :)

I'm not getting out of bed. Sammy enters my photo for me at the festival, but I don't even give a crap anymore. Nothing matters, nothing at all. My parents try to comfort me, but I ignore them. They're happily in love, and they disgust me. My heart isn't even whole anymore, its just shriveled up into a broken heap in my chest. Its my fault its all over. I have about thirty million missed calls and texts from Calvin, but I've checked none of them. I can't hear his voice, or even read his words. I had to do what I did, I'm convinced of it.

Sammy was not happy at all when I told her, but she said nothing. She knew better. All she did was grab a carton of Ben&Jerry's from the freezer, and popped in a comedy that had nothing to do with love, which I'm sure was a butt to find. She talked to my parents for me, assuring them I was going to be fine. Was I going to be fine? Heck, I didn't know. I'm not sure if I even care anymore.

"Sun?" Sammy whispers quietly.

I roll over in my bed to look at her. She's sitting in my computer chair, looking at me sadly. "What, Sam?"

"Why'd you do it? I thought... I thought you loved him."

"I do, Sammy. I really love him. But it just wouldn't have worked out. He would've left me. So, in order to keep the memories of him loving me, and wanting me, I ended it. Because, well, because it makes sense."

She's silent, and I roll back over. Before she leaves my room, I'm pretty sure that she whipsers, "But you're wrong, Sunshine. You're so, so wrong."