A little pain and a little heartbreak...

I'm Nothing, Like What You Wished For.

I’m nothing, like what you wished for.

There is a surprisingly loving hate residing

Inside that soul of yours (for me).

A hate that has grown too deep and you can’t control…

And a love, that cannot let your maternal heart go.

But God! How…you’ll never imagine how I have prayed,

For you to let go. Let go and leave or stop to care.

Prayed for you to stop cursing my ‘wayward’ ways and believe

In me. Please. Just once again.

For I could’ve been a lot worse you know-

Could’ve been a drunkard, a slut or pure bad luck. But I guess,

To you I’m much, much worse.

So, I have settled without pleading for your ever important consideration-

For how on earth, could I ever explain…?

That what you believe to be, my carelessness,

Is just a façade, to weaken the strength of the blows,

That you and a cruel world throw. Forever and more.

 That I feel pain too;

When you shout, that I am a big mistake-or just like him.

A pain that you should be aware of as a mother.

I could’ve never figured you

To be so shallow and unlike me: so ‘other’.

You say. Nay! You scream that your words, just flit across my ears.

But they don’t. They claw their way inside my defences and haunt

My senses. My being and my soul.

Reducing  me to a cobbled stone; kicked and cold.

And you gloat, so surely and so proud,

That you have me pinned, for the nothing that I have become-that I am,

And that you know me well. But you don’t.

For you do not know the number of silent tears my vacant eyes

Have cried; at 4.a.m of every night, while you were sleeping

In that dreamless land so perfect; as nightmarishly hideous as the world of my reality.

And nor do you understand, the yearnings of my wild heart,

For if I have myself baffled with my thinking-there ain’t any way,

You being such a familiar, cold stranger could have me deciphered.

You don’t understand my wishes and desires.

No mother. Not even close. Not even at all. 

Bet you didn’t know that the reason I have ‘wasted’ time at night is

To feed a hunger for familiarity and love, that my trapped soul cries;

To live in the memories, of a time,

When loves of various kinds had blasted me with stars and 

With people who wanted me, but were never to be mine-

Since you imposed upon our  relationships, a curse of ‘long distances apart’.

Bet you didn’t know, that I’ve been mourning for precious lost time.

Of course you don’t understand…for how could you?

When you fantasize of a bright, twinkling future for me,

Even though I haven’t yet said those expected goodbyes, to a past lively,

Striving inside the corners of my mind.

Clutching me with its sad, unfinished story.

And I know, that I have made mistakes and

Make no doubt, that I will make them again, for I am

But only a human. As you are too.

What can I do, if I opened up long sealed wounds on that perfect skin of yours?

Wounds that have yet to heal inside, where they thrive, so ugly, greedy for pain more.

You see, I love me…as me. And even if the blood is same,

The heart and mind of ours is worlds apart. Just know,

That I have yet to create an end, without which, the beginning

You wish for cannot begin. And I need a lot of time,

To say that precious goodbye.

So please.

Stop you torturous loving, that has been robbing me,

Of the person that I am supposed to be…for you don’t know me mother,

Not even an inch closer to that fateful mark.

For I am so different: not as strong as you hoped me to be, and

Not as smart or intelligent and observant as you saw me in your dreams.

I am simply me.

And everything you wished for your child to not be. 

 Thank you for reading =)