The reason

Chapter 6

Slightly more in control I  lie on my bed, diary set out in front of me. With pen placed to paper I let my thoughts flow out, filling in the blank white canvas. It's a magnet, drawing out all the thoughts flying through my brain, creating a scrawling picture. By seven o'clock I've set a date for a month from now. All I need is to research the best way to do it. If I am such a burden to people in this life, then I shall remove myself from the equation. I thought I'd feel a little bit scared, but all I feel is a rush of relief, of a weight rising from my shoulders. A month will be long enough to get everything sorted, to find a way and means. I hate leaving loose ends, I want to leave this world with none. For the first time since I can remember I don't have a single dream at all.

As I enter the school gates the taunts differ from the usual. What people think are whispers turn out to be actually quite loud, especially with everyone saying them. "That's the girl that cuts herself." "It's so disgusting." I hear them loud and clear. To them nothing has changed, my make up covers all the bruising marring my face, my clothes as well. I make it to algebra without acting out, letting their hurtful words flow around my barrier. I'm sitting in my seat in the middle of the class when someone comes and sits next to me, in the desk that is usually empty. "Hey." A familiar voice says and I sigh internally, choosing to ignore him. "How are you doing?" He asks and I give him a glare saying I am fine. He gets the hint and sits quietly as the teacher starts writing equations on the board.

I've never told anyone this, mostly because I don't have anyone to tell, but I like algebra. The rules are set and clear and there is only one correct answer. It's black and white. The world isn't black and white, it's full of smudged greys. Nearly everything you do is wrong, wrong, wrong. Allowances are made for some, others not. Instead of basing it on how smart you are, it's who you are, how much money you have. You can't go wrong in algebra, there's an equal chance of everyone getting it right.

Shouldering my way out the door, I head to second period, only becoming aware of someone walking beside me after a couple of minutes. I halt in my tracks and turn to him, starting to get pissed off.   "Are you stalking me?" I demand and he put his hands palms up as if to say "Who, me?" I glare at him and wait. "I'm simply walking parallel to you, it could happen to anyone." The too innocent look on his face does nothing to convince his story.

"Stop it, go make chums with someone else." He keeps pace with me as I start walking. Seriously, can't this guy take a hint?"

 "You know what you need? Some time in the sun, you need to work on your tan." I flash him a look of disbelief. Who is this guy? Maybe if I ignore him he'll go away. Sticking to my plan, determined to shake him, I last through the whole hour of English, not even looking at him, despite how hard he tries. My resolution broke though when he came and sat with me in the corner of the cafeteria. I feel every eye shift towards us, wondering what the cut new guy is doing with a freak like me.

"What do you think you're doing?" I hiss at him, my cheeks burning under all the stares.                   "There's an empty seat. I'm guessing anyone can have it as it doesn't have your name on it." His eyes twinkle, loving the disturbance he's creating. I knew it. This is all a big joke to him. Pretend to be friends with the freak then laugh about it with the jocks after. 

Not bothering to ask, he plonks himself down across from me. I see people turn away and resume talking, but I can still feel their scrutiny. I can't eat under the heavy watch of these people. I stand up, stuff my brown lunch bag into my schoolbag and walk slowly to the door, cringing as everyone seated watches me leave. Outside, my shame turns to anger. How dare he! I guess he's just like everyone else. As I'm standing there, raging at him in my head, who should turn up but the guy himself. "Are you okay? Did I do something wrong?" He asks from behind me. My head tells me to just walk away, leave it be. My instincts scream at me to yell at him. My unstable rage lets my instincts win out.