The reason

Chapter 17

"What is it?" Ben asks me and I can't answer, my gaze fixated on an unsteady figure making her way towards us. Her wobbling figure gets closer until I can see the fury in her eyes, the clench of her jaw. This isn't going to end well.

"Reegan?" By the time I'm shocked into reacting it's too late to run and I draw back from Ben to greet mum. "Here you are, you little bitch." She snarls, the breeze whipping her stringy hair around her sallow face smeared with make up.

"You must be her mother." Ben responds, his tone cooler than any glacier on Earth. "You must be the interfering twit that convinced her to leave. That's right, I am her mother. Therefore, she's coming with me." For someone who's obviously drunk, her speech isn't too bad. I mean, with a bit of imagination you can actually understand her.

"I won't let that happen." Ben replies, his gaze flicking to me before dead-lining back on her. "You don't have a say in the matter, she's my daughter." She stumbles on the word daughter, it's probably the nicest thing she's ever called me.

"I don't care who you are, nobody can hurt Reegan and get away with it. Walk away now, before this turns ugly." Is he seriously threatening my mother? She'll hurt him, her weak appearance is just as deceptive as the rest of her. I also don't want him to hurt her, I mean I of all people know she deserves it. I can't explain it, but right now she seems kind of pathetic. I'd rather everybody walks away from this.  "It's okay, I'm coming mum." I say around the ball stuck in my throat. "Not on my life." Ben says through his teeth. "She picked me, go home boy."

"Not without Reegan" I recognize the signs from years of living with her. Her balance shifts to her right foot and she lurches forward, fist flying. Just in time, I throw myself in front of Ben, taking the hit to the side of my head. I force myself to focus through the pain, I've had worse. Ignoring the clanging bells in my head, I focus on what they're saying. "You bitch!" He yells at her, the only nasty thing I've ever heard him say. In slow motion, I see him push out with his palms and I see mum drop like a sack of potatoes. She doesn't get up.

Stumbling over to her, I press my fingers on her neck, checking for her pulse. Nothing. I look around, Ben's already calling the ambulance, but his face is one of despair as I shake my head. She's dead. Even in death, her features are harsh with contempt, a frown over her closed eyes. Other people come rushing over, but the only one I register is Ben kneeling by my side. "Oh my God. I'm so sorry Reegan. I swear, I didn't push her hard enough to kill her. I can't believe this." Somehow, my brain takes in his words, but I can't respond. The woman I've feared most of my life is dead. I should feel relief, or sadness or something. Yet all I feel is empty, abstract from the commotion around me. I don't feel his arm go around me, don't hear his desperate pleas. All I can see is the image of my dead mother lying still on the ground.

I'm barely aware of a police woman guiding me into a police car. I'm essentially an orphan. I have no home anymore, nowhere to go. What if they put me in the system? I stare out the window until we arrive at the station and I'm led down the hall and into a room. Nobody bothers us on the way there, I can't even remember if we passed anybody. A male policeman is waiting there, his white moustache twitching when he says hello. "What is your name?" He asks, gently but in a no nonsense kind of way. It helps ground me enough to answer.

In autopilot, I answer every question he asks me. I'm trapped in some foggy part of my mind, not even hearing my answers. He scribbles on his notepad, looking at me often as if to make sure I'm still there. I'm not going anywhere soon, my feet feel frozen in place, like the stump of a wilting tree, barely keeping it up. I'm surprised I'm holding it together, even the cops stare at me like I'm about to have a nervous break down. Inch by inch, I can feel the real word burning through the numbness. It's painful, I crave the absence of feeling. Feelings are complicated and never end well. But new wishes come with the re-introduction of emotion. As the male cop gives the other cop a nod and shuts his notepad I ask,   "Can I go see Ben now?"