Into the Heart of a Killer: Memoirs of an Assassin

Chapter Eleven

I hadn't expected my life to go by as fast as it had. Years had passed and Ceseth continued to tutor me in the ways of an assassin, but he left me alone for the most part. As I grew and matured, both in body and in mind, he seemed less and less eager to teach me. I often heard him mumbling strange things under his breath, saying I was just as stubborn as my mother. I figured he knew quite a bit about my mother, since he had paid her for me. Just the way he acted cued me into the fact that he had known my mother, even if he hadn't already told me that night when he was drunk. I wish I remembered her, but I didn't. Not anymore, even though it was a scant four years ago. It seemed like an eternity had passed since I had last seen her, since I had left Liliana behind and become Jae'sa Gifuhildi.

For the most part, I didn't think about her. I had Ma and Tane, who was already several inches taller than I was. He was just as vibrant as he had been three years ago. I was enjoying watching him grow, but even more, I enjoyed growing with him. Tane was the light in my darkness. He was the only one thing that kept me human, the only one thing that kept me in touch with my emotions. Without him, I was cold and distant and cruel, detached from the world. I barely felt pain anymore, but I assumed that was because Ceseth hit me so much. I had stopped feeling about a year ago. He had struck a nerve in my lower spine and I had almost been paralyzed from the incident. He didn't hit me as much anymore, but I had lost sensation from the waist down, even though I could walk just fine. It was a miracle I had managed to survive without paralysis. We couldn't figure out how, or why, or what the healer had done. I could feel my legs enough to walk, run, jump, etcetera, but sometimes I was stiff, and when it rained, it only got worse.

Ceseth trained me harder after the incident, forcing me to be adequate even with my physical troubles. I had managed to work around the issue for the most part. I had issues walking quietly, as sometimes I couldn't tell how hard my feet were falling against the ground. Ceseth had gone to the healer even after he had looked me over and asked if there was any way to restore sensation to my legs. He said no, saying that I ought to be paralyzed, and if Ceseth had hit me a hair harder, I would have been for sure. He had told Ceseth that he would try and activate the nerves in my lower half by sticking tiny needles into my skin. I watched him do it, every time. The more he did it, the more I began to feel the tiny prick each time the needle went in, but it never hurt me. I never felt more than a prick.

After months of this "treatment," Ceseth had had enough. I could feel more than I had been able to previously and I was able to control myself better. I was as good as I was ever going to get, het old me, and I believed him. It was harder to see my worth the longer I spent with him. He liked to remind me how worthless I was, and I had begun to believe him. I wasn't sure where my worth lay.

Explaining to Tane what had happened to me was difficult. I had made a terrible lie, telling him I had been horseback riding when my horse "had reared and I had fallen off, landing on a rock." Tane believed me and babied me constantly for the next few weeks. Simultaneously I loved and hated him for it.

But now, three years later, I was back to good health (for the most part). Tane helped me exercise by making me get into the river. He didn't make me swim, and didn't really teach me, but I sat in the water, the water reaching just under my chest, and kicked my legs, as if I were swimming. It helped work up the muscles, and even though my legs still lacked much feeling, I felt stronger and more in control. I found myself eating with Tane and Ma more often than not. I had gotten into the habit of pickpocketing people, too. It was a skill Ceseth had taught me via hands-on learning. I was ashamed of how good I was at it and how easily I picked up the skill. I brought Ma and Tane money sometimes, telling them it was a portion of my "job's wages." I told them I worked in a bakery outside of town. Ma loved to hear stories about the bakery, but I told her they were all very dull and boring. I realized what a mistake I had made when Ma started to tell me about her dreams to be a baker, before she had had Tane. She had looked at Tane and kissed his forehead, saying: