when I was small
I was happy
so so
happy
and around age ten
that all changed
suddenly the words
being repeated to me
weren't so funny anymore
i realized it wasn't okay
I realized a lot whenever
I was 10
I realized a lot more
when I was 12
like how to hide the scratches
their words had caused
and I realized more when I
was 13
you shouldn't keep your blades
and a bloody napkin in a notebook
and at 14
well
I realized that scars aren't
pretty and that my "habit"
had become a disgusting
addiction
and it needed to end
so I flushed them away
and now I have anxiety
attacks
because before I did it
so often
I didn't realize I had come
to need it to "keep away"
my anxiety
and now my anxiety
is trying to suffocate me
and although I want to breathe
because my lungs burn
I also don't want to
breathe
because this world is cruel
and I am tired
-e.l.
