Girl of Gold «ᴢᴇʀʀɪᴇ»

ιε

I am such an idiot sometimes.

Why did I have to kiss Zayn? Did the moment just feel right? Do I have those kind of feelings towards Zayn? I don’t know what came over me. All I knew was that I got lost in his eyes. They were so pretty, so beautiful, so full of secrets I wanted to find out for myself. When I looked into Zayn’s eyes, I felt something. I know not yet what it is, but I wanted to find out.

Did I like Zayn that way?

I was certain of one thing: I wanted to help Zayn. I wanted to tear down his walls. I wanted to be the only person he told all of his secrets to. I wanted to be the one he trusted most. I wanted to be the first person he lets in. But that day was when I was closest to Zayn. Why did I have to ruin it all?

I ruin everything, don’t I? No wonder Jonnie exiled me from Olympus. If I can mess up something as small as a get-together, how was I fit to rule a nation? I mess up everything. That’s why I’m not a monarch anymore. That’s why Zayn probably hates me now. I should just give up on my dream of getting closer to Zayn, because that’s obviously not gonna happen now.

I hate myself.

I’m an idiot.

I ruin everything.

Why am I so stupid? You don’t just kiss someone when you know they’re broken and trying to hide! What kind of a person does that? Obviously me. I was lucky enough to have Zayn not hate me. Here I go and mess everything up! Zayn probably dislikes me more than he did in the first place. I was so close to being friends with him, and now all hopes of that is gone.

What was worse was the fact my friends weren’t here. Jade, Jesy, and Leigh-Anne were always here to support me, make me laugh, and cheer me up when I’m feeling down. They weren’t here, and they obviously won’t be coming back anytime soon. If only they were here…

Now I was questioning my every decision. Why did I want to come to the mortal world in the first place? Jonnie was right. I was much safer back in Olympus. Nothing bad can happen to me there. But me, being the stubborn girl I am, decided to break the rules and sneak out. Now I’m here, in the place I’ve always wanted to be in. Why do I feel regret for this decision? Why do I feel like this is the biggest mistake I have ever made?

I wanted to come here for freedom. I wanted to come because I was tired of being stuck in one place. I wanted to come because I wanted an adventure. I wanted to come because I wanted a new life. I finally came, and what do I get? Regret. Someone’s hatred towards me. Rejection from other people. The only good thing that came out of this was that I met Katherine, but that was nothing compared to the list of bad things that has happened since I’ve come here.

As much as I don’t want to admit it, I want to go home.

I can’t keep staying here if I keep making mistakes. I didn’t belong here. What took me so long to realize that? Why was I so stubborn to want to come here? I don’t understand. Why am I like this? Why do I have to be this person?

I was just so upset with myself. I screamed into my pillow before throwing it across the room. I was in a really bad mood.

Zayn suddenly came into my mind. His black hair, his crinkled eyes when he smiles, his cheekbones, his eyes, how he’ll most likely hate me now…

This was not helping me.

And then came the thoughts of why I kissed him, how it all happened, and what I do now. I actually don’t know what to do now. Hiding from the world forever is a good idea. I may grow to be extremely antisocial, but I’d best keep whatever dignity I have left, right?