Brilliant Bones

Take My Heart

Nicole

When I got home last night, Jessie dropped Conner, his sister and I off and I basically ran off. I was too panicked to say goodbye to Conner properly. I quickly said goodbye but was speeding towards my front door as I heard him open his mouth. I could feel panic becoming my ringmaster as I reached my house. I almost felt like spiders were crawling all over my nerves.
At first, I thought the voices were coming back to haunt me again.
Fortunately(and unfortunately at the same time), then Gabrielle appeared coming out of the living room. Her face was stained with tears, her costume was basically falling apart and she looked like she was about to join me on the crazy train.
"You fucking bitch!" She yelled at me.
Suddenly, I was on the ground. My body had just come into touch with Gabrielle's arms , arms that had decided to push me to the ground. I felt the tears that I had been holding back almost the whole way home finally flood. I couldn't believe that my young and precious sister had pushed me, for starters. I couldn't believe what she had done either, stealing alcohol like a thug.
"Gabrielle!" Ma yelled incredibly loudly.
I heard stomping from the living room as I decided to stop being a baby and helped myself off the floor. Ma was almost on top of Gabrielle as I stood up, her arms pulling at Gabrielle as she yelled at her at the same time. Whilst this occurred, Mom and Dad were running to the front entrance where we all stood. My mom ran up to me, suddenly pulling my arm away from the scene.
"Since when do you think you can behave like an animal"?! Ma yelled at my sister.
"Your sister wasn't even involved in your thoughtless act!" Dad yelled, also standing over her.
Whilst my sister yelled about me to her biological parents, Mom was dragging me up the stairs whilst I sobbed under my breath. I just stared at the stairs as we climbed them. I counted each step and soon counted an uneven amount of seventeen stairs . In order to make myself less frazzled, I added a extra stair in my head so I would feel safe. What could feel worse than having an uneven amount of stairs?
"Where are we going"? I sobbed as we reached the second floor of my house.
"Just your room, sweetie ". Mom said, stroking my arm as she led under her other arm around my shoulders.
I then forced us to stop, even escaping her wing.
"Nicole!" Mom yelled under her breath.
"Why are we going to my room, Mom", I yelled, "why can't I be down there and confront Gabrielle for pushing me onto my ass"?
Just as Mom's mouth was opening, I was able to budge in: "Why do you see me as if I'm a little piece of fragile glass? You say that you don't see me as a weak person and that I've been so brave since this shit began at this beginning on the year, but I don't believe you! You drag me up here like I'm a kitten who just swallowed their food the wrong way and needs comfort! I don't need comfort, I'm fine! I'm strong! If I have to, I'll pin Gabrielle's skinny ass to the floor!"
Staring at me with guilt yet strength, Mom shuffled her shoulders and walked towards me. She took her delicate hand and put it I my mine. She then made me calm by just a glimpse of eye contact. I was following her again, it wad like she had successfully put me under her spell.

Mom closed the door the minute we got to my room. I threw my handbag onto my bed along with my body, landing on my face and groaning as the darkness of my duvet colliding with my eyes took my eyesight.
"This isn't fair". I groaned.
"What isn't fair, Nicole"? Mom asked in a calm tone. "What are you even angry about"?I suddenly felt her weight in the bed and her presence next to my body. She put her hand on my head and started stroking me like I was a cat.
"I feel like you treating me like I'm a little kid". I groaned.
Mom groaned.
"Nicole, get up! You're definitely acting like one!"
"No, I'm not!" I argued, my face still against my bed duvet.
"Nicole. Up!" She yelled.
Groaning and moaning, I took my front body off the bed and stood up, only to sit down with my legs folded on the bed again.
"I'm not treating you like this because I think you're kid, I'm treating you like this because you know that there are a few changes in your life that Ma, Dad and I are trying to help you to adapt to".
"Why don't you just throw me into a beautiful , white padded box, lock me inside with a lesbian romance novel of Ma's and a coffee machine and then feed the key to Janet and Brad who eat everything!?"
As I ranted, I suddenly felt panting at my leg and the sight of Janet jumping up onto my bed as I mentioned her name. I was suddenly furious, furious at everything, everyone and basically the whole damn universe.
"How did they even get in here?!" I yelled, my voice showing that I was on the verge of hysterical tears.
"Firstly, Ma doesn't read lesbian romance novels and I have no idea why you would think that she would-"
"I had a dream about it once!"
"I've told you, not everything in your dreams come true".
I looked down at my lap, trying like a warrior not to cry.
"But...it feels so real".
I felt Mom moving close to me. Then, she was putting her arm around me and stroking me with her other arm. I don't understand why she strokes me why I'm a cat, she just does.
"Secondly, we are not preventing you from doing anything, there are just things that need to have some barriers for you".
"That made absolutely no sense, Mom".
Mom's comfort talk wasn't getting anyway. It was just making me feel worse.
She then cleared her throat, probably becoming more aggravated as it became harder for me to understand the point of this talk.
"Okay, I don't want to end this conversation and have nothing come out of it", she began, "so you need to understand a couple of things: Gabrielle is drunk and hysterical-"
"I thought she didn't get a chance to drink".
"She drank a can whilst at the shop before she stole a whole pack and is now as drunk as an experienced adult who has had three to four glasses".
"That actually makes a lot of sense".
"Anyway, I made you come up here because you know very well how easily you freak out, and also because I think Gabrielle just needs some space and privacy at the moment".
"I don't freak out that easily". I muttered.
She sighed.
"Nicole", she said with the sigh hanging on her tone, "I know that you think that what has happened to you has only caused yourself grief and misery...but it hasn't. Ma was in an absolute state, so was I when you were diagnosed. I felt like it was all my fault, that I had done something wrong to bring you up. I tried to think of all the possible reasons of why this had happened to you. I thought first that it was from when I had my heart attack-"
"That was a tiny percentage, Mom. You know that it didn't fuck me up completely ".
"I didn't say that you could use that language". Mom muttered, obviously getting emotional as she was yelling at me.
"Sorry". I muttered. "I just know that things didn't happen because of your heart attack".
"It caused you that anxiety though..."
"That is basically gone now".
"Nic, you know for a fact that anxiety has turned itself into paranoia, it defiantly hasn't disappeared".
"Well I know for a fact that what happened to me wasn't because of your heart attack! I would know, I'm starting to get to know myself. We're becoming friends".
Silence paved the room,it filled the air and changed the atmosphere. I honored the silence for twenty to thirty seconds before it made me bored and almost restless. I did like it ,though. I liked having my head on Mom's shoulders and her arms around me. I felt like a little girl again. I sometimes want to just shrink and be younger again. I want to be stress free again, I want life to just be fun and full of happiness. As my mind was beginning to drift off, I decided to break the silence.
"You said that you thought of other possibilities...what were the others"? I asked.
Mom turned her head to look at mine resting on her shoulder. Her large, hazel eyes made me feel so calm and gentle. It felt like her eyes had the power of a herbal remedy, it made me feel so natural and peaceful. If I could, I would ask for a power like hers so I could remain forever so calm.
"I started thinking back to my pregnancy with you; I worried that I didn't drink enough water throughout the day, maybe that I didn't eat enough vitamin food. I even wondered if I ate too much eggs!"
"Mom, you can never eat enough eggs. Eggs are probably what made me come out physically normal".
We laughed quietly, she even leaned forward and kissed my forehead. I felt so young when she did that, I felt so peaceful again.
"What made you ditch all those ideas"? I asked.
She chuckled to herself.
"I looked back to Ma's pregnancy and just remembered her chain-drinking coffee and chewing down nuts like she was a chipmunk".
"Isn't that why Gabrielle is allergic to nuts"?.
"Yes, she's also too skinny for her own good".
"You know that she eats , but how does that relate to Ma's pregnancy"?
"Ma just didn't believe in what she calls 'pregnancy myths' and ate basically whatever she wanted and was lucky enough to end up with a daughter that didn't have three heads and a tail attached to her butt".
"I remember some book said that's what happens when someone commits incest".
"Flowers in the Attic"?
"Ya".
"I don't know about the tail part...-"
"But you believe that a child could come out with three heads"?!
"I bet it has happened once or twice!"
"Do you want to check it up on the Internet"?
"No, I'll see the most ghastly images!"
We laughed once again, a little louder than the last time.
"What was the final conclusion "? I asked.
She suddenly had a closed smile on her face as if she was imagining a happy memory.
"I realized that it doesn't matter what caused what has happened in you, I decided that I just need to teach you how to cope with it and that you're still a normal, beautiful and intelligent young woman".
I smiled, my heart feeling incredibly warm and fill of love.
"Stay with me tonight". I whispered.
She curled her eyebrows, I knew immediately that she didn't know what I meant.
"Sleep with me tonight , Mom. Leave Gabrielle and Ma and even Dad to their argument. Just stay with me tonight...make me feel safe".
She suddenly put her hands on my face, brushing some hair pieces off and holding it like it was an ancient artifact.
"What are you scared of? What is making you feel unsafe"? She asked, her voice so gentle I would think I was in heaven.
I thought about it for a moment as I stared into her hazel eyes. It didn't take me long to think of one of my biggest fears.
"Losing you because of your oversized and beautiful yet failing heart".
That's when I lost it. I burst into tears and fell into Mom's arms. It was like I landed in a safety net. A safety net made of silk and cotton and a scent of fresh roses. She stroked my back like I was a cat and then whispered into my ears:
"I am going nowhere, sweetie".

After I cried for a while, Mom left my room to go change into her pajamas and tell Ma and Dad that she was coming to sleep with me. She told me it was a one time thing as well as that she wants to come in with me in my next session with Dr.Larson.
When Mom was changing, I cleaned my basic makeup off, released my hair from its elastic and changed into my pajamas. By the time I was in my pajamas, I noticed myself glancing at the window. The curtains were closed, something I had done before I had left for the dance hours before to keep the warm air in the room. I knew that it was going to start snowing soon and that the cold air was already starting to freeze me to death.
Without thinking, I walked up to the window and opened the curtains and the window itself. From there, I looked into Conner's window. I could see the end of his legs which hung over his bed. I finally realized that music was playing , I couldn't believe I hadn't noticed it until then. I could hear it had been playing for a while from as the song was at the chorus. It was Eminem and Dido's Stan. I didn't even know that Conner liked Eminem, especially since I knew he hated rap, modern day rap at least.
"Conner!" I called out, hoping he would hear me.
His legs suddenly moved and soon more of his body was becoming visible as he walked over to the window. I could soon see his face, I could see his eyes staring at me. It was almost intimidating, yet comforting.
"Hi Nicole". He said, his windows already open.
I cleared my throat as I stared at him, almost speechless as I remembered the night we had shared.
"You look pissed". I said, my arms folded against my breasts.
"Pft, I'm more than pissed". He muttered.
I let my eyes move all around the space I was in so I could figure out what to say, but Conner started talking before me.
"Laura says she never wants to talk to me ever again".
I let my eyes position themselves into a space and stuck them to Conner who was clearly in the worst space I had ever seen him in.
"You know that she doesn't mean that, right?" I said, attempting to be sympathetic and kind-sounding.
"I just...I made her scared. I abandoned her...that's the worst thing you can ever do to someone you love".
I just stared at him, scared that if I moved that I would end up brawling too. My emotions had become unstable when my nightmare begun. I can literally cry and then laugh in a space of a minute.
"You know, Conner, I am always here to talk if you need to". I said, my voice soft and kind. "If I can't talk to you though this window, I can talk to you by text. If you don't want to talk by text, you can always call me. If you parents get so angry at you or things get so bad that you have to move to Alaska or Canada or god knows where, I'll even answer your emails or letters in case you end up moving to an Amish community".
He had been staring at his hands resting on the windowsill as I was talking, but slightly lifted his head after I stopped talking.
"What about Skype"? He asked.
"I don't have Skype, but I would sign up if I had to".
He chuckled , his cheekbones moving for the first time since we had begun this conversation.
"Why are you suddenly being so nice to me"? He asked.
"Because we're friends". I muttered.
"We've been friends for, like, five hours".
"If you think about it, we've been friends longer than that. I've just been being a paranoid bitch who was so cold that I could fight off your affection".
Suddenly, the door swung open and my head swung to the other direction. Mom was standing there in her pajamas, her hair up and her makeup completely off.
"Hi Mrs Henstridge Osborne ". Conner yelled from the other house.
When she was still staring at us five seconds later as if her brain had completely shut off, Conner began talking again: "I'm Conner, your next door neighbor. I've been living here since I was born...I've been over to your house quite often in the last month...you took a few pictures of me a few hours ago...your wife once calmed me down when I was a kid after a clown that was actually the now-dead school janitor dressed up and kind of traumatized me...your wife is really nice...and weird-"
"Mom! Stop staring at him like he's an alien!" I finally yelled.
"This boy once told me in second grade that I looked like an alien-"
"I see something has changed in the last few hours". Mom said, finally beginning to move again.
"Yeah, we're friends now!" Conner said as if it is the news of the week.
"Oh ,that's great!" Mom exclaimed as she moved closer into my personal space.
Conner could still see my face whilst Mom could only see my back. This meant that he could see that my face read: Abort the mission! Abort the mission! ABORT THE MISSION!
"Oh, Mrs Henstridge Osborne", he began, his pace suddenly much faster, "I just realized that I have my grandma's sixth funeral tomorrow and we have to drive all the way to China so bye!"
He then closed his window and shut his curtains as if his house was on fire.
"Goodnight!" He yelled from the other side.
As I laughed hysterically at Conner's freak out , Mom stood next to me with a confused expression as we stared out the window.
"Firstly", she began, "that boy was obviously lying and is a terrible liar. Secondly, what's a sixth funeral"?