Flicker Pain

[14] knowing me

Gradually, Conrad and I began to grow closer. It started with little things: a conversation during class, a meet-up during lunch, studying in the library, an exchange of phone numbers. Throughout each week there was something new to expect to bring us closer.

We talked about the nice things: favorite colors, favorite foods, favorite music, etc. and I learned quite a few things about us were similar. The most important of them – we both had our secrets.

I didn't know when I expected to share the details of my life away from school. I hoped it would never happen, but that was unrealistic. However, it wasn't as though we would gather in front of a campfire and spill our hearts out to each other when the time came. It would just happen, I supposed.

The time came within a few weeks. Conrad and I were sitting outside for lunch that day, just on the stone steps that led up to the rear entrance of school. He had stood up and started sliding down the railing, meanwhile I stared off into space.

The day was bright, bordering on sweltering. A few tiny beads of sweat tickled my armpit and neck, and even after brushing it away the heat remained. I had to squint my eyes to see Conrad jump off the railing as he reached the end, landing gracefully on his feet.

He came back up the stairs and took a seat next to me, breathing a bit harder than usual. His side was pressed against mine, and I could feel each breath he took. When he regained his breath, he asked:

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," I replied.

"You don't talk about your family that much."

I looked down at my hands. I remained calm as I said, "There's not much to know."

"Somehow I doubt that."

"Well maybe you're wrong."

"Or maybe you're lying."

We stared at each other.

I sighed, "I have a father who lives a long way away from here, and an older brother who lives with him. I only live here with my mom now. We've been over this before, Conrad."

"That's not what I mean and you know it."

"Then what did you mean?"

He shifted in his place, turning his head to face me directly. His big brown eyes, they looked ready to swallow me whole. They looked ready to learn all my dirty little secrets.

"You know, when I ask you about them – you get this sort of look in your eye. Like you're afraid of what you might tell me. You don't have to hide from me, you know. We all have our bad moments."

"I'm not hiding anything." I retorted.

It was a lie. I had plenty of things that I wanted to hide from him. And I had plenty of perfectly justifiable reasons for why I wanted to hide it from him. He just didn't understand.

I looked away from him.

The bell rang soon thereafter, signaling the end of lunch. I immediately jumped up and grabbed my things. But before I could hurry inside, Conrad's gentle words pulled me to a halt.

"I'll find out someday. You don't have to be afraid to tell me." He whispered.

Oh, but I do, Conrad.

But what I said aloud was: "You don't have to be afraid to tell me your secrets either."

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