Flicker Pain

[16] worst moment

"Okay. What would you say is the worst moment of your life?"

"What kind of question is that?"

I frowned in Conrad's direction. We were walking around the school perimeter, playing a round of twenty questions during lunch. The period had nearly ended, and we now hung on the rusted railing outside of the football field, listening to the sounds of cheer practice.

It was a lovely setting; peaceful and tranquil. Our game had been calm fun as well, learning silly facts about each other that we wouldn't otherwise in daily conversations. I met the goofy, laid-back side of Conrad, and I liked it.

Now on our nineteenth question, the fun had to end, and with it came a deep paranoia that I couldn't shake.

He gave me a small, innocent smile, "One that you have to answer."

My frown deepened. He smiled again, this time with true warmth and reassurance, "You don't have to go into detail if you don't want to."

I looked away from him, still not convinced, so I stalled, "There are a lot of 'worst moments' in my life."

"I know there's one that affected you the most," He said softly, moving his face closer to mine, "Tell me."

I said nothing.

"Look, how about we make a deal. I'll answer the question too, okay?"

That sounded about fair. "Okay," I said quietly.

"You first."

He gave me the floor with a look of encouragement. He wanted to know, he wanted to know so badly about my life. I was ready to crack under the pressure. I wasn't brave enough.

The last time they knew, they promised that they'd keep being my friends. The last time they knew, I believed them. They promised that they'd be there for me through everything, but the phone calls and texts still mysteriously faded away.

He didn't know just how much he was expecting from me - details or no details. It was still a confession, and it was still a piece of myself that I was revealing to him. But I didn't know if I could handle seeing the disappointment on his face if I backed out of it. He trusted me, and he expected me to trust him.

He had me trapped.

"Come on," He whispered, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and giving it a squeeze, "You don't have to be afraid. I'm here for you no matter what. Telling me isn't going to change that."

That's what the others had said, too.

But maybe...maybe he would be different. That was what had drawn me to him in the first place, so I could only hope that he would continue to surprise me.

"The worst moment of my life is probably... when I was sitting in a police car." I rushed out in one breath.

I waited. Waited for the rejection, waited for the inquiry, waited for my confession to sink in fully into his mind, and waited to see what he'd do with the information. But Conrad was silent. I didn't dare to look at him. Feeling foolish and dejected, I turned to leave.

"The worst moment of my life was seeing my mother afraid."

My breath hitched. Slowly, I turned back to him, to see his eyes staring off into the distance as his mouth fell into a frown.

"I don't know if you've ever seen your mother like that," He shook his head, "But it's the worst thing you'll ever see. A mother is supposed to be strong, reliable, and someone who can always protect you and be your hero. When she's afraid of something...it breaks your heart."

In that moment, I didn't think words would do our emotions justice. I reached out to his tensing form, pulling him close to me. I wrapped my arms around him tightly, and felt my heart warm as he hugged me back.

I marveled at the way his hands held me: gentle, but strong. He held me like he never wanted to let me go.

He held me like nothing between us had changed.

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