HE NEVER SAYS.

vi.

when yoongi gets the call the next day, he feels everything around him stop.

park jimin is dead.

drowned himself in a swimming pool. they found him floating at the top that morning, skin blue and ice cold.

yoongi wants to cry, thinks of jimin calling him the night before, saying, "you'll see me, i promise."

liar, yoongi thinks at jimin's funeral.

they ask him to speak at the service, saying that he was jimin's best friend and he just had to go up and talk about how great jimin was. he shakes his head. no no no and no, he repeats. he can't go up there and lie to everyone he knows, because he knows why jimin is really dead and it's all his fault. yoongi saw jimin waste away before his very eyes, but he didn't stop him.

jungkook is at the service, and he cries into the arms of a boy as he stutters out, "i loved him, taehyung." and the other boy soothingly rubs jungkook's back, his own eyes wet as he whispers comforting words.

to yoongi's surprise, even hoseok shows up. it's been months since he's seen him, months since the ugly ordeal where hoseok walked into yoongi's apartment only to find yoongi wrapped around jimin. yoongi hasn't seen hoseok since he'd slammed his apartment door, shouting that he hated the older boy.

he's wearing a black suit, his face somber as he walks up to yoongi.

"i'm sorry," hoseok says, his brows furrowed together.

"you know," yoongi's voice is surprisingly clear, "people keep saying that to me. i wish they'd stop. i'm sorry does jack shit for me right now."

hoseok frowns, looking over to where a large picture of jimin is displayed. jimin is smiling in the picture, his eyes crinkled at the corner as he displays his teeth in a cheesy grin. "i know you loved him," hoseok says slowly. "he loved you too."

"i know he did." he gets irrationally angry – at hoseok, at jimin, at himself. "don't act like you knew what he felt."

"yoongi," hoseok sighs.

"fuck, i'm sorry okay?" yoongi blinks back tears. "i don't know what to do." hoseok is reaching out, it seems like he wants to hug him, but yoongi steps back, raising his hands. "don't," he forces out. "don't comfort me when this is all my fault."

"yoongi, no one blames you."

yoongi shakes his head, looking back at the picture of jimin. "i blame myself."

hoseok sighs, looking sad. yoongi feels like he can't fucking breathe in the room. he sends an apology up to jimin before he steps out of the room, knowing he can't be there anymore or else he'll fucking suffocate.

it isn't until later that yoongi decides to go visit the younger boy at his grave. it fucking sucks, he thinks. the words on the tombstone sound hollow to him.

park jimin, 1995-2016

it pisses him off a little. all of jimin's life has been reduced to a dash between two numbers. that dash doesn't talk about how jimin lived and thrived and loved. it doesn't speak of how jimin would always smile for the sake of others. it doesn't speak of how jimin smiled so brightly that it blinded everyone in sight. it doesn't speak of the way jimin's body would press against yoongi's, warm and soft, when jimin wanted comforting. it doesn't speak of how jimin's fingers, delicate and caressing, would tangle into yoongi's hair..it doesn't speak of that cute little crinkle jimin did when he laughed or that sexy little lip bite he did when he wanted to kiss yoongi.

fuck that dash.

yoongi places flowers on jimin's grave, angry at himself because he never bothered to ask what jimin's favorite flowers were.

he finds himself buying every flower they have at the shop – maybe one day he'll get it right.

he's taken jimin a single sunflower today. he twirls it in his hands as he stomps his feet on the fresh snow. the tips of his fingers are cold, his nose red, and he can feel his lips start to freeze. yoongi doesn't care though, he glances down at the tombstone, brushing off any snow that has landed on it.

"hi jimminie," yoongi sighs. "it's been a while since you've left and i still miss you like crazy." yoongi's lips form a straight line. "i keep going back to that day, that phone call. i should have listened better, jimin. i should have saved you."

yoongi pauses, almost as if waiting for jimin to speak.

he lets out a sigh when nothing happens, blinking slowly. "i should have done things differently jimin. i know that. i shouldn't have lied to myself." he blinks back tears. "i was just so scared, you know? because you loved me so much and i wasn't worth it. i didn't deserve to have you love me. i'm a horrible fucking person, jimin. i didn't deserve to have a heart so pure care for me. i really fucked up jimin. i wish you'd come back so i can have a chance to make it right. you deserve the world, jimminie."

yoongi feels the wind around him pick up. "i know, i know. i'm too late. i'm always too late. i miss you, jimin. i wake up everyday expecting you to be there. but you're never there. you know, there's a few seconds, just after i wake up, where I can almost feel you pressing against me. you were always so damn cold, pressing those icicles you have as feet against me. i feel them sometimes, or at least i think i do. but then i'm forced to open my eyes and face the reality that you're gone."

yoongi presses his thumb against the curve of jimin's name. "i hope they're treating you good up there. if not, i'll kick their ass." he shakes hair away from his face, running his fingers along the engraved name, committing it to memory. "bye jimin, i'll see you tomorrow. promise."

he stands up, the wind howling loudly in his ear. a clump of snow falls from a tree branch above him, causing yoongi to brush the fallen snow away from his hair. the wind dies down and yoongi glances up quickly.

he places the sunflower atop the snow. "i know," he speaks to the wind,

"i love you too jimin."