Just Me

feELiNGs AGaiNNNNNnnNn

It happened againnnnnnnnn. aaaAaaghhGHH.

Okay, so lately I haven't been talking about the guy I sorta like because I haven't really been interacting with him that often. Since the last time I talked to him, I felt like I was bothering him or being really weird. So I avoided talking because I'd only make things awkward, and that's not cool.

But, recently we've been sorta talking. The other day I had been feeling really stressed and down because of something with my dad and his side of the family. (It was terrible, and he made me feel bad about something when we talked on the phone.) Anyway, of course being the sensitive biscuit I am, I cried. My negative mood was pretty noticeable and my teacher comforted me (she's the best person ever). The guy that I like didn't say anything, but when the teacher asked him to pass out paper, he came up to me to hand it over. So, when I looked up I saw him and he smiled at me and I said thank you really quietly. It made me feel better to see him smile, but I felt bad because he saw my splotchy, sad face. Idk why feel bad about it, it's not my fault that I cried, I guess. Eh.

So toDAY, we talked a little more. It wasn't a one-on-one conversation, we just talked across the classroom. He made jokes and I laughed. I made jokes and he laughed. I'd look up from my work and he'd catch my eye and, like the doof I am, I'd smile at him because I felt it would be awkward if I just quickly looked away. He'd smile back and then we'd look away. I kept feeling bad about doing this to him almost throughout thE ENTIRE CLASS SESSION.

And this is random, but like, he sometimes stretches his legs out so when I look over at these times, I'd see his ankles and...he's got this thing where...idk I mostly see it on women. Where the foot is completely straight with the shin when the foot is bent down. Like this:

I don't have that, mine's at a slight angle. I see this mostly on athletic or agile people, but only on girls. I've never actually seen that on a guy in real life before and I'm amazed every time I see it. Like, damn boy, that's some cool shit.

Also, on top of doing archery and swimming, I think he plays baseball. Fuckin' hell, this guy is all kinds of fit.

Anyway, when the class ended, I stayed behind to organize my stuff. So, when this guy was leaving, he said, "Later, Alex," and I was like, "Oh! Bye (his name was here but I shall not state it)!" Then he said, "Have a good weekend," and smiled, and I was like "you too!", and also smiled.

After that I kinda stared down at my desk and did this weird spirit fingers thing because I was happy he acknowledged me when he left. Usually, you say bye to people (that you barely know) that you just talked to. Like: "Thanks for the notes! See ya later!" "See ya!". Or something like that. But we didn't talk, I wasn't looking at him or calling for him either. He just decided to say bye and I thought that was cool. I know I've thought of doing that but I never do because I'm a fuCKIN PUS--.

Anyway, I was pretty much like this:

And, I feel like it's a very small thing to get excited about, but it meant a lot in that moment.

Also, on the day that I was feeling sad, I ended up going to the counsellors (nothing serious, we only have academic counsellors). I missed out on a good portion of a class lecture and notes, so near the end of class I took the notes that I missed while everyone else did a post-lecture assignment. I would tell the teacher to go on to the next presentation slide so could continue writing, but this one time she had changed it when I thought she didn't, so I was telling her to keep going when that's not what I wanted. So, like a weirdo, I flung my hands around, telling her to go back. When I did this, I heard him laugh and I look over to see him smiling at me. I stopped, put my hands down, and smiled back but I was kinda embarrassed. After that, I just continued with my notes.

This guy shouldn't be getting to me like this. I shouldn't be acting this way, but god dAMMIT HE'S SO NICE AND SMART AND HANDSOME AND COOL. And I'm still a potato. But the kind of potato that you pronounce as 'potahto'. yEAH.

I overthink things. I don't want to start fully liking him though, because I know I'll just get hurt. Plus, like I said a long time ago, I shouldn't be worrying about relationships and crushes and romantic love. I can't even handle my own dog sometimes, ffs.

I don't know, man, thIS IS WEIRD I WANNA STOP BUT ITS HARD TO STOP BUT I KNOW I MUSSSSSSSTTTTTTT

HHNNNNNNGHHHGHHH.

Here have this:

bYe.