Just Me

"I'm Not Important"

I know you all are wondering, "Why would she make this segment?" "Why does she think this way?" "Don't write something like this."

To be honest, it may be better that I get this out of my system. Sometimes acknowledging negativity can help get rid of it. I wouldn't be honest with myself if I let these thoughts linger and ferment.

In the last segment, I stated that I wasn't important compared to everything around me. Even after being told not to think that way, that's all I have been doing.

Sure, I may be an encouraging and kind person here. I may make stupid posts and say terrible puns. But that's because my social media is an escape away from everything. Pretty much everyone can say that though... It's cliche at this point.

At home, I am the quiet and obedient daughter that barely comes out of her room.

With my mom, I try to stay out of the way as much as possible because her problems are bigger than myself. With my dad, I stay silent and unquestioning so I can be the one kid that doesn't need attention and discipline, to be the kid that won't give anyone problems. Even still, my obedience causes expectations, and when those expectations are broken they kill me inside.

I do as I say. I stay quiet. I observe and listen. I try. I try and I try and I try, but nothing is ever enough for anyone sometimes. I take AP courses, I'm nice and neutral to everyone, and I try to stay true to what I do. Still, even with this I don't feel important.

It shouldn't come as a surprise to know that I'm neurotic. Worry plagues my mind, even when there's nothing to worry about. I've also been trying to develop a 'poker face', too. I'm tired of crying over the tiniest things, I'm tired of feeling stupid when my parents call me out on the stupid things I do, I'm tired of hating myself the more I fail.

Other people have fears of heights, or spiders, or dogs, or blood. I fear failure and utter disappointment. Equal to that fear, I'm scared of being alone. Yet I still try to juggle things on my own.

Instead of trying to make myself happy, I care more about others. The people in my life have more problems than I have. Why should I make things worse for them? My dad and step-mom deal with my other siblings, who are more important than I am. A step-brother who's pretty much allergic to everything, a half-brother who doesn't listen sometimes, and a half-sister who has yet to turn one--they are more important.

I don't like talking about my day with them because they don't need to know. I'd rather listen to others.

My friends are more important to me. If you asked me to pick between saving myself or saving them, without hesitation I would choose them. They deserve so much more than they're given. I'm not important.

I'm quiet. I'm obedient. I'm careful. I'm not important.

I wondered why I had an emotional breakdown when it was almost my birthday, until I realized I needed a reason to feel important. I needed more than just "oh, it's my birthday". I needed reassurance. But look at me now.

I write for you all, but I also write for me. It makes me feel important, because so many of you look up to what I do for inspiration, or for a reason to get through another day. You rely on me for comfort and I try my hardest to give that. But thinking about it now, the relationship I have with you is no different than the relationships I have with my friends and family. I care more about you than I do myself. Because I'm not important.

I can't say any of this to my family. They would probably turn the problem into something else. To be honest, I don't think I need an answer, I just need someone to listen. But that isn't worth the time.

I'm not important. Everything and everyone else matters more than myself. Sharing my feelings would only make matters worse. And that's okay, at this point.

Is it wrong to want to feel numb? Yes.

Is it wrong to want to give myself up to other things? Probably.

Is it wrong to try and try and still feel this way and want to? There must be something wrong.

Observant. Stupid. Obedient. Emotional. Kind hearted. Neurotic. Imaginative. Never enough.

Huh...I sound like some angsty teenager on the grunge side of tumblr, don't I? Yeah, I do.

I apologize.

Regardless of all of these terrible words, I hope you all are okay. If I ever lost you all, I don't know what I'd do. I hate when things are left incomplete...

I'm so sorry for all of this. It's really unnecessary. I won't ask for pity because I know all of this is stupid. You don't have to deny it just because other people may not. Call me out on all of my mistakes. Call me out if I'm an idiot. Maybe it'll help. Or not. People already do that in my personal life. Huh.

I'm tired.

I love you all.

Please have a great day, and may the next be even better, and even better after that.

Bye.