2 weeks later
" I dare you to say yes to going out to me" Harry said with that cheeky smile of his.
I knew he liked me and quite frankly the whole school knew but he also knows I have feelings for someone else, someone that I met through church. Everyone in our group knew that I thought he was cute but a relationship with him wouldn't work out. I'm not the person to say no to a dare though, so maybe I should say okay and then breakup with him. Daniel and Rachel are now going out and she gives me a look that says go for it. My best friend from year seven is now in our group and I give her a look and she's shaking her head, giving me a look that say what is he thinking? I just look at home and sigh then say " fine" everyone except for Bella, my best friend from primary school, is smiling and making happy noises. I look at the floor, l will break up with him after lunch finishes. Art with Rachel's next, the truth or dare game continues through the group and I signal Bella to come to the drink fountain with me. Wednesday night tonight, youth tonight, Friday is Valentine's Day.
" what the hell was he thinking?" Rachel whisper shouted when the group was far enough away.
" I don't know" I mumble, now depressed I was forced into this.
I was already depressed and stressed or from the expectations of the other students. I still see the girl I saw on first day around. I want to ask her " what will it take to be as pretty as you?" But that's not possible. She would think I am a total wack job. I already know what everyone wants me to be, they want me to be skinnier and prettier. They told me them selves and yes I have tortured myself, eaten limited food and putting on more and more makeup everyday. I just hope it doesn't get worst. It's like the little courtyard we are in to get water is yelling at me to be perfect. People walk past and stare at me, I instantly start worrying that I did me makeup wrong or that my skirt was messed up.
" are you going to breakup with him?"
" yeah after lunch, before news gets out." I would be critiqued for that as well. The bell goes off and we make our way back to our little group, Harry is waiting for me.
" Harry I can break up with you right? I don't think we will work out" I say looking into his eyes. His smile fades and he puts his head down, and mumbles " I know" I hug him just cause I feel bad for breaking him like that, and then walk to class with Rachel and hug Bella good bye. As were walking to class Rachel asks me why I didn't just stay with him, she asks this as I walk past my enemy, the one who tells me to be perfect. Chloe Jones. I duck my head and try to blend in with the crowd but she notices me and she's her head in disgust. She's popular and while she was walking with her boyfriend looked like a model. She is the one most of the girls look up to for looks, her hair is pink on the top and blondish brownish on the bottom, the top layered but the bottom not, and her face is covered in makeup, her skirt tucked into her top. It's not a surprise that she has a boyfriend. No body knows what she says to me when we are alone, and that's part of the reason I hate going anywhere alone. She judges and no one tells on her for it. We all now down at her feet. Rachel realises what I'm doing and pulls me to the side," look I know she can ruin us, but maybe let's ask her how she got her done, she's pretty maybe we'll get into the clique. Hey look at me" she snaps her fingered in front of my face, I look up. " me you and one other girl are the only ones that look up to her, let's ask, she has to help us out" I shake my head and my eyes fall to the side of her head where I see a really cute guy. Now I'm terrible with keeping secrets but I'm still keeping everyone guessing.
By the time where in art I don't even realise, even that jut happened was a blur, a seriously messed up blur. After seeing Chloe I always walk away different. And this time I know the message she was giving me, try losing a few pounds Hun! You look like an obese elephant, then she would laugh her wicked laugh, and your so ugly! What guy would want to date you? Maybe more makeup you pathetic loser. This is the type of messages I get throughout my day, from her from the school walls from how people look at me. But it's different every time.
When I get home I search for a pair of scissors. I'll just take the pain that I felt today out on my wrist. I'm in the shower and I'm crying, I squeeze my eyes closed and by the time I'm finished, I have seven fresh cuts on my arm, bleeding. I cry harder, and have a longer shower than usual, and start thinking about youth, I'll wear a jumper to cover my arm, and shorts, straighten my hair and a little bit of makeup. That Should do it. When I get out of the shower, I loom down at my phone, and have three missed calls and four messages, of course from Harry.
Harry: hey want to catch a movie Friday night? I'll shout.
: why arnt you replying?
: can you please answer!?
: I'll call again in a bit.
I turn my phone off and finish getting ready for youth, by the time I'm finished I turn my phone back on and straight away Harry is calling, I answer and tell him. " look your an nice guy but I can't go out with you. It will ruin our friendship. I'm sorry Harry" and then there's a pause and then a simple "okay. Goodbye" and he hangs up. Great messed that up. I sigh and make my way out to the car with my youth leader in it, she picks me up and drops me off every week.
I stay quiet in the back of the car, trying not to think about how much my arm hurts. Tears run to my eyes but I shit them out. It's then I think, no more food.
